Monday, 30 March 2009

A Year From Now

By Across 5 April's:
'Complete and total adoration,
My gift to you, my heart was yours.
In ten weeks you shaped it,
In one night you murdered it.
Torn from my chest and laid at your feet,
That first step that you took was the worst.
Since then you've walked a thousand miles in silence and short remark,
And I still have these memories,But we'll never see what we could have been.
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember....
cause that's all you can do.
We'll never make another memory,
We'll never make another memory.
I wish I'd have died in your arms the last time we were together,
So I wouldn't have to wake without you today.
This time I thought things were real.
You said they were.
What happened?
You were a priority, Was I an option?
I let you see a side of me that I don't share with anyone.
Promises are just words unless they are fulfilled.
you knew from the beginning all I had to offer you was my heart,
I'm sorry that wasn't enough.
So, we'll go our own ways,
And hopefully you'll remember the things I've told you,
Hopefully you'll understand that everything I said was in sincerity.
A broken heart is not what I wanted from this,
But I guess I've learned from it.
But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?
I don't consider this a mistake,
I just wish the story didn't end this way,
Cause I'm still in love with the person who helped me write it.
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?'
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

Feeling

I Hate It !

How i can't go more than a day without having some huge breakdown ! I miss how i used to not care, didn't know any better. But it's not as simple anymore, i've been there too many times, should no better. But still i want it !

I don't even know what 'it' is anymore. I just know it when it's there, and i hate when it's not ! I felt it 4 weeks ago, but in the last two it's dissapeared again ! The only thing i can be sure of is that whenever i feel as happy as it makes me, it always leads to unhappiness, that's just the way it is. Nothing i or anyone else can do, it's a never ending fucking cycle !

However, i do need to feel something, and soon ! I don't care what, or even who, i just need something to happen, anything ! Please, please, please. I'm at a new low, even though the loss doesn't hurt nearly as much this time, it's the realisation that's killing me ! I wish this could be the last time, but i'm not clever enough to make it that, i'll fall, again and again, I'm addicted !

Fuck Sake Let me Feel something ! God damm it, i need it, just a change, something new or old i don't give a shit ! Please.... LET ME FUCKING FEEL SOMETHING !!!!!!

I need help, somebody please... Please, anyone ? ..... Help me .......

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

Sunday, 29 March 2009

Soo.....

Afternoon, Been a while...

I've had a crazy last few days really, but i'm finally on holiday now, 2 weeks of doing fuck awl (maybe a bit studyin) can't wait ! Right, so what have i been doing since last time, nothing of note really, lets seee... School, trip to the doctors, Hockey Tournament ( Don't ask), Wee night out on friday with Shaun and Grant, and cinema yesterday, with a night in with dave and Greig. Pretty good on the whole.

What is annoying me however is other people at school, on friday night even though i did go out, with the two people who i wiuld class as proper friends in that godforesaken shit hole of a place, there was something big happening ! But once again, people chose to neglect to spread this information. Now it wouldn't bother me if i just wasn't invited or anything, but i know that if i'd heard about it and said something i would have been welcomed ! These people can be you're best mate but only when it suits them !! Thts is of course th ereason why i don't spend half as much time with them as i usd too, just kinda do my own thing now ! Works out well enough. Also, for whatever reason they all seem to have some sort of anti-grant campaign on the go. Like, they just sem to not like him at all, and whenever he's not somethere they bitch about him rotten ! I don't understand it, but it's pretty damm annoying, i like him, sure we might not be as close as we once were, but that's not my fault, he had a few weird months which pretty much ruined alot of stuff, but we're gettin better again which is nice ! Still wouldn't trust him with much though...

Football last night, Shite, not that i'm particularly bothered likes, but still ! It's pretty rubbish to see you're country get completely pumped by somebody else, Ahh well, again i'm not that concerned.

Got much bigger probelms infront just now, and for once i really have no clue how to approach the biggest of the lot ( which isn't exams by the way, i've got them covered). No, No, this is waaay more confusin, other people always are ! But how can i be expected to know what to do when i'm not getting told what the problem is ! It makes no sesne to me, sure i've had communication issues in the past, but this is ridiculous ! I have literally not heard anything (voluntarily anyway) for about two weeks, and i havn't seen them in person for two weeks, two days ! I hate it, it's a shame really, cause i liked the idea of this, and liked the person most importantly ! I'll see though, surely over two weeks off something should happen ! Probably not mind you, it seems like i'm just fighting a losing battle.

Bad Times

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

My Dog


Molly !

My Cute, crazy, loving, Fun, Lazy, Cuddly, 8 year old Black Labrador !

The Real Love Of My Life

And the calming influence, She keeps me sane sometimes

Never Happier then when i'm in the middle of the park, just walking, her always 5 paces infront (unless she's swimming) !

Love You Loads !

I'll Be Talkin To Yaa xx

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Little Poem

There Once Was A Little Boy, Who Never Knew How To Love, Until A Girl Broke His Heart...

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx

Buzy, Buzy, Buzy

Christ i'm tired !

The last week and two days have been hectic ! Like non-stop, finally done my drama (practical) exam today, delighted to get that out the way ! Kinda sad it's over though, was good fun. But ooh well, at least i've manged to have two days off normal school for it, and off tomorrow afternoon aswel 'cause of a right pointless football tournament ! But more excitin then.... Media Studies, drama and english.

Good news is though that i go off on Easter holidays for two weeks this friday. Can't Wait ! Like, i know i'll have to study for all my highers and stuff, but it'll be nice to have time all to myself again, maybe go out occasionally, have a little bit fun. Should be good !

Rather stressed about these exams actually. Like, if i do bad i'll have to do a 6th year at school and won't be allowed to take my place at Uni ! I know i'm goin a year earier then pretty much anybody, but it just seems the best idea, really hate school frankly ! Like i've got m8s and stuff, Shaun, Grant, Chris, Ryan, Struan etc.... Loads in all fairness, but the silly thing is only a handful to i actually like, my better friends all exist outside of school, which is probably best so i don't have to see them every day ! Haha. But yeah, I get the results and go to Napier Uni next year i'll hopefully meet plenty new people and make new pals, which is always nice .

Right, so anyway, i'm gonna take my leave for now, enjoyed the chat, bye, bye, now

I'll be talkin to ya xxxx

Sunday, 22 March 2009

Make Sense ?

Somebody Who means the world to me, but who is going through a really difficult time just now, just asked me if this made sense....

'It's strange, that you cannot find any strength to even try to find a voice, to speak your mind. You know its a simple game, i understand no one understands. Nothing hurts you. Breath easy, cry hard, die to live, live to die, its only temporary, till the end.'

It makes no sense, yet perfect sense, and i love it ! And I Love her !

Secrets are fun....

Goodnight

I'll be talkin to yaa xxx

Maggie Cassidy


Evenin All

I'm just sitting around watchin the OC ! Gotta love this show, Seth makes me chuckle !

Ooh well... So, I've had a kinda interestin weekend. Last night i was at this family party thingy, my uncle Jimmy turned 65 (Gettin Old) haha, would have been ok yeah, but the sorta other side of the family was there, and frankly theirs some animosity there, they have some sort of problem with all of us, like my and my immediate cousins, and aren't sly with it either ! Not too worry though, there all dicks so i'm not angry with them. They left fairly early however, which was fun as that left us a few hours just to sit around and shoot the shit, which is always pretty funny !

What else then, well saturday during the day was differant, me and my little friend grant were persuaded into heading into twn to meet this girl for 'old times sake' thats fine in Grants case, but well for me it wasn't particularly 'old time' ! ... This girl happened to also be my girlfriend from last May to September and we loved each other, we've both moved on since then however, so yesterday should have been fine !

Problem is, it dawned on me, espically when it was just the two of us, that maybe i'm not quite ready to move on, i still really do like her ! She was my first love and maybe it's true what they say, first love never dies away, no matter how long ago it was ! However, it's clear theirs no chance of anything happening, neither of us even want that, but it's a scary thought that i might never be fully past it all. The nice thing is though, whenever i think back to the times we had together, it instantly makes me feel happy, no matter what, even though their is a tint of sadness, but that's worth it, just so long as the memories never disapear.

Looks like those memories are what i'm going to need to stay happy in the near future, i seem to have gotten myself into a bad place with a certain other girl, and now i'm worried that i might be too far gone just to wash my hands of everything and get out of it. The scheme previously mentioned for this sunday, was never put into place, the opportunity never arrived. I'm not mad or anything, more impatient, and why do people not just open their moves and God Damm talk to me about stuff !!

'It's only later you learn to lean your head in the lap of God, and rest in love'
- Kerouac

I'll Be talkin to ya xxx

Friday, 20 March 2009

The World Spins Madly On

It's a friday and i'm not at school, not feeling great, just exhausted really, have had a crazy week, in terms of school stuff it's been mental, loads of work and stuff. Outside of all that, i've had my mind taken up by a lot of shit frankly, once again i've allowed myself to get caught up in all this emotional bull that kinda grates at you. You know what i mean, the constant wondering, like why am i being ignored ? Have i done something wrong ? What's gonna happen ? And most importantly, how the hell can everything be so differan compared to two weeks ago ? Seriously, it's like i'm dealing with differant people !

I'm fed-up with people changing on me, why can't people just stay the same, let everything work out. This is just so typical of a situation that i'd get into. 3 times now !! I don't know whether to laugh or cry. But this time though i'm making a decision to not let myself get all involved etc, i'm just gonna sit back now and see what happens, i just hope that somebody understand that i can be exactley the person that's needed. I really am a good person, just get lost in myself sometimes, and most importantly get lost in others, invest too much in them, and then just get torn apart by the let down at the end. But not this time...... NO !

Weird to think that a week ago today, things were fine really, i was pretty excited by were things were headed. And two weeks ago, i was ready to burst with happiness, i thought i was finally moving on and had met the right person... clearly i was wrong.

The dark clowds have moved away again, the sun is hiding, but it'll come back, i'll make sure of it and if that involves sacrificing something that i was desperate for, then so be it. Truth is, it's not been worth it, things just get too complicated.

I'm tired, confused, angry, upset, anxious, worried and desperate. Just another day in the life of me then..... Ti Amo Mucho.

I'll be talkin to yaa xxx

Flicker

Have you ever just sat and watched a candle burning ???

If you think about it, it's such a perfect metaphor for life ! You light the candle, it starts to burn slowly, then it get brighter and brighter. It shines and gives warmth and light to a room...

Then it starts to go downhill. It begins to lose it's light, the energy leaves it, and the fire slows. Then, it dies, and it's gone, forever.

This process might take a few hours, compared to years, but, it's the same principal.

Next time you light a candle, just keep you're eye on it, watch it and think about it. Maybe we're all just candles ? With some just buring brighter then others, and the life leaving others faster.

I'll be talkin to yaa xx

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Broken- By Lifehouse

'The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight'
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time,
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubtsI am damaged at best,
like you've already figured out,

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing,
With a broken heart that's still beating,
In the pain there is healing,
In your name I find meaning So I'm holdin' on,
I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on,
I'm barely holdin' on to you


The broken locks were a warning, you got inside my head,
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead,
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes,
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life


I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing,
With a broken heart that's still beating,
In the pain there is healing,
In your name I find meaning So I'm holdin' on,
I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on,
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day,
Just to see what you will throw my way,
And I'm hanging on to the words you say,
You said that I will be ok
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone,
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing,
With a broken heart that's still beating,
In the pain there is healing,
In your name I find meaning,So I'm holdin' on,
I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on,
I'm barely holdin' on to you

- Props To Jason Wade

I'll be talkin to ya xxx

Why Hurry ?

Howdy !

I had an ok day, school was just abit pointless. Finished early, didn't nead to go down to football which was a bonus, i really couldn't be arsed. Got home at 3, so far have accomplished shit all, have quite alot to do though, like rmps revision for this annoying wee Nab tomorrow and also sort a 200 word plan for my history extended response....

Fun Times ! ......

Ahh well, in a better mood today, no clue why, i think i'm just kidding myself on that things are differant, which they aren't, to be honoust there just the same, as bad if you will, but i'm not letting myself get too bogged down today, so it's all good. Me (being the guy i am) have a scheme, a masterplan if you will ! This is kinda my thing, i'm a schemer and usually they prove fairly succesful ! Whether there planned months or days in advance. So i'm working on this, being a persistant, irriatating little shit might be more truthful, but to me it's all relative ! Nobody ever got what they wanted by sitting on their arse, moaning on an internet page..... Ohh wait ! .......It's a good feeling to be pro-active, get some control of where this shit is leading me, not gonna lie this is what i've missed the last few months !! The thrill of chase, the challenge set down by something that can only be described as 'complicated' and this is were i excell, just you watch, i fight for every last quota of happiness and enjoyment i can find, and this recent opportunity is no differant, if it all falls flat, at least i'll have no regrets !

So far i've earmarked Sunday as one of my key dates, you'll find out then how all has went.

I'll be talkin to ya xx

Monday, 16 March 2009

Never Again, By Steve Runciman

One of these days you'll realise,
That You made a mistake with me,
And you'll come crawling back to me and ask if i will take you back,
I will want to but i should say no,
I only just got over you y'know,
And i will cry to myself and say..... Never Again

After you i disapeared into the darkest depths of myself,
I searched and i found, what i was looking for,
It was black it was black and i wasn't coming back,
Until i found the light inside,
But now that it's mine, i'm back,
And saying..... Never Again

Everytime i move forward,
I feel like i am moving back,
But now, not now,
I have finally found a path,
And i know it's not what everyone wants,
But it makes me stronger inside,
But i stil doubt my heart, will ever feel again..... Never Again

After you i disapeared into the darkest depths of myself,
I searched and i found what i was looking for,
It was black, it was black, and i was never coming back,
Until i found the light inside,
But now that it's mine, i'm back
And saying..... Never Again.

I'll be talkin to ya xxx

Inverted

Look Inside, What do i see ?

When will i learn, Life isn't a movie.

There Is no happy endings......

I'll be talkin to ya xxx

The Souls Delusion

So once again it sems i've stept right into the shit. I seem to make the wrong choices far too frequently, even when i can see the problems coming, i invite them on, I swear i'm like a magnet for hurt !

Luckily this one is screwed before it's even started really, it's pretty depressing though, especially as i had high hopes here, but it's pretty much a non-starter, it's not because of me (again) just the option i picked in my 'pursuit of happiness' was the wrong one, this one was just an accident waiting to happen, however, the truth is so am i at points and this could have worked out rather well, my commen sense however is screaming that it won't. Theres just far too much else goin on there, and a past with a list longer then mine, that i think will take a long time to tick off.

So were does this leave me, well i'm not going to panic, i can still make the situation play out in my favour, but it will require some thought and patience, luckily two things which have been developed very well by me in the last few months ! All i want is for a while to not be sad, to be happy. The last 2 weeks have felt like that, i've went to bed with a smile and woken up lookin forward to the day, i just hope that i can make this last, thier is always hope, otherwise what would be the point in living.

Honesty isn't always the option, i know that, and such is why i'm not an honoust person, peel away my layers and you'll find more and more defences, and there is a reason.... I let them down this once, first time in 6 months and look what happens, i get stood on, torn-up and let down. It's always the same... Nothing ever changes, the players are differant, but in the end, i always lose.

Answer the question, What is the point in living, if you've nothing to live for ?......
...... Thought as much.........

I'll be Talkin To Ya xxx

Sunday, 15 March 2009

Dissapointed

Once again, i'm sitting on my own, let down. In this case though it's not a big deal, just something i was looking forward to. It's funny, i actually don't like looking forward to things, the feeling of excitement is always overcome by the knowledge that the liklihood is that it won't happen.

Oooh well, The truth is, maybe your scared, maybe you're sitting worried that i'll turn out like everyother guy out there and in the end just let you down, but not gently, no.. let u down and tear you up at th esame time. Well no ! People have done it to me before and i'd not put anyone through it, however i'll go through it again and again and again, because i can't help myself.

I can tell it's difficulult with you, but i pretend to not be bothered by it, i take the silences and days without taling and just press on, but to me that isn' how it's done. I barely know you, but i want to spend every minute i can with you, you are one of the people who have the calming effect on me, i can list every person who has had this power, one girl and one guy (you know who you are), the only people i ever feel really get me. You though, have a chance, we are so similar, i just don't think you know it yet, and hopefully you will before it's too late.

I hate myself when i get like this, paranoid, self destructing steve. I manage to keep him hidden away for soo long but he always appears again, even though right now nothing is actually wrong, everything is going kinda well, on the surface anyway, i still have a few doubts. But you asked for trust, and i'll give it to you !

I guess it's all to do with me really. I work in two extremes, i either don't trut a person at all and force them away from me, or i go the other way and throw myself head first into everything they say, everyminute they breathe, and when it ends i'm fucked. It's complicated, i wish i could understand it but i won't ever ! To make matters worse i always seem to pick the wrong option for the wrong people, and in my most receent case i'm not decided. The issue is, she's fun, pretty crazy and just brilliant to be honoust, but with her own issues, so just like me really ! However, i don't smoke, havn't touched drugs in the longest time and drink pretty rarely. Yay for me you might say, but i disagree, the straight-edge live i've been kidding myself on with recently is quickly running out of energy. I'm bored living like this. The problem though with the girl lies in that i think deep down she wants somebody to just take her and look after her, whther she'll admit ot or not ! And whilst i can be that peron, i don't know if i want to be. Why shouldn't for once i be the one needing some help, i always seem to be the one giving it out !

Time will tell however, i really can't see what's going to happen here, i do promise that i'll try my very hardest, i just don't know quite what tactic to play, and when people say.. ' just be yourself' it doesn't help ! how can it ? When i don't know who 'myself' truely is....

I think the best chance is for a long walk, maybe a nightime walk actually, and just talk, find out about each other, what we're both actually wanting. I know what i want from all this, it's the same as i always do, but i can't talk for her. It's funny everytime i say i'll not let it get to me this time and i'll be cool with it all, but the fact is, i fall every single time, it doesn't take much, just the right type of person ! And away i go, hoplessly searching. It's pretty much a never ending cycle, and one which i can't win really, not now anyway. Surely i shouldn't be wanting to find 'it' at 15/16/17 ??? I have before though and i will again, even if i have to fight for it !

.... The simple truth, here it is... I'm addicted to love.

I'll be talkin to ya xxx

Haunted

I Walk I Pace I Run,

But I Cannot Escape You, I'm Haunted By Love,

You Follow Me, Wherever I Go,

Like A Ghost, Ethereal, My Spirit.

And With Our Last Kiss You Stole Mine,

In An Explosion Of Sadness, And Orgasm Of Fear,

But Your Still Always With Me,

Yet Never In Person, But in Shadow,

Stepping Beside Me, Like So Long Ago,

With My Arm Around You, Hand In Hand,

Now Though It's Different, Time Moves,

But Your Memory Stays With Me, Walking Alongside
A Ghost Of Times Gone By,

I'll be talkin to Ya xxx

Saturday, 14 March 2009

My Life As Directed By John Hughes By Steve Runciman


'The Wish Fulfilment of Ferris Beuller’s day Off and the reality of ‘ The Breakfast Club’

Three years ago, peering through the discount DVD’s in Virgin, I stumbled upon a film, that I knew little about, but the cover instantly drew me in. A Young Matthew Broderick looked up at me, hands behind his head, looking instantly cool and relaxed with that one pose. The Slogan read, ‘ One man’s struggle to take it easy’ and the title, Ferris Beuller’s Day Off. That night sitting up in my room, I started to watch, slowly getting more and more interested as the film grew on, eventually becoming transfixed in what was occurring before me. The lead character, Ferris Beuller himself, was everything that you want in a teen lead. He was cool, calm, funny, dangerous all at the same time. He dragged his friends with him into a world were very few of us would ever get to tread, were you can drive Ferraris, skip class, kiss the most beautiful girl in school and maybe most importantly, dance and sing ‘twist and shout’ on a float in downtown Chicago being cheered on by the masses. As I watched I saw myself in his place, it could never happen, will never happen, but that never stopped me from wishing it. What teenager wouldn’t want to be like Ferris ? He is supremely confident and showed no signs of self doubt, or typical teenage insecurities, if only !

After my first and subsequent viewings, ‘Ferris Beuller’s day off quickly grew to become one of my favourite films, so much so that I decided to look into the other works of the director. A certain Mr John Hughes. Upon looking at his credits, I quickly realised that he was predominately active during the 80’s and seemingly focused on teen, high school drama films. I searched about and eventually tracked down and viewed his other major works. I watched ‘Pretty in Pink’ a straight forward story about a girl, loving a guy, who doesn’t love her back and is really a complete sleaze, and the best friend who is really in love with her. Of Course the film would end with the happy ending, she would get with the best friend. But no ! She got with the other guy, who would never appreciate her. This was my fist lesson in John Hughes Cinema, never expect the clichéd, this man tells the truth. Following this, I watched sixteen candles, a weaker film, with a similar set up, only this time the guy really does love the girl. The happy ending shouldn’t work, yet it does, it feels natural and not at all forced.
These films were enjoyable, but to me none could ever reach the level of Ferris Beuller. Then I found ‘The Breakfast Club’……

The slogan read: ‘ They only met once, but it changed their life’s forever. They were five total strangers, with nothing in common, meeting for the first time. A brain, a beauty, a jock, a rebel and a recluse. Before the day was over they broke the rules, bared their souls, and touched each other in a way they never dreamed possible.’
The breakfast club was made in 1985, yet remains timeless, it can be applied in some form to the life’s of almost any teenager at some stage, to me however, it is my life. The story is simple, more suited to the stage then the screen you could be forgiven for thinking. 5 teenagers are forced together on a Saturday morning school detention period. They have differences, they clash, they decide to work together, eventually finding out that they have more in common then any of them would have them reveal. However, it isn’t this simple, the five teens are all given different labels, different social status and most importantly extremely different lives. There is the prom queen beauty ( Molly Ringwald), the geeky science lover ( Anthony Michael Hall), The sporty, wrestling team jock ( Emilio Estevez), the abused, criminal rebel ( Judd Nelson) and finally the quiet, reclusive, depressed girl ( Ally Sheedy). So why does this film mean so much to me, why is it possibly my favourite film of all time ? Mainly because I can see myself in all of them.

Over my many repeated viewing of the film, I have grown to realise that I could be any of these characters, I am capable of all the acts of cruelness and kindness that is seen on screen. Molly Ringwalds, beauty queen may seem a strange character for a 16 year old male to identify with, but who hasn’t ever felt the pressure of their peers. She looks down on those who she is led to believe she’s better than. Even if she doesn’t truly believe it. Throughout my life I have had people telling me, who I should mix with and who I shouldn’t, I have formed opinions on people I’ve never met and to my shame treated people with disdain, just because I thought I had to. In other words, a bitch. Like Molly Ringwalds character I have grown up and realised that this isn’t fair, but I can side with her, I know why she acts as she does, even if it’s not right.
In the jock character I can see what I might have become, self obsessed and empty. A carbon clone of the hundreds of other, preppy, soulless, so called ‘popular guys’. I used to be in the team, was friends with the people who I now loath, but if not for this film then I could have remained like that. Through Emilio Estevez I seen what I could be, and didn’t like what I saw. As a younger guy I could be seen as a mini jock, I boasted of my sporting success, tried to put others down by focusing on their weaknesses, and they would never argue back, they knew they wouldn’t win. I wouldn’t let them. However I grew out of this phase and looking back, I am horrified by what I once was but I see them everyday in school, an army of Emilio Estevez’s.
Anthony Michael Hall’s character is sympathetic and pathetic at the same time. He defines teen social awkwardness, never quite sure how to interact with the other characters, who wouldn’t look twice at him during the normal school day unless to throw some cheap insult his way ! He defines the part of me that is largely kept quiet, due to fear of the reactions it would receive. The fact that I’m as complete geek. I love Comic Books, I’m a movie fanatic and I like nothing better then to sit down and write, whether it be an essay, a speech, a letter or even a song. Just Like the AMH in ‘the Breakfast club’ I like to keep this to myself, and his closeted shielded existence represents this perfectly.

Just like Ferris Beuller, the character of Bender ( Judd Nelson) is the person we all wish we could be, but can’t achieve his levels of cool, wit and his non-conformities. The key difference is though, Bender is a fractured character, unlike the seemingly invincible Ferris Beuller. He bears his weaknesses and wears his scars like a badge of honour. Whether he really is abused at home we will never be sure, but it’s irrelevant. What’s important is that He is the side of us all that just wants to do whatever he pleases, doesn’t care for the restrictions and rules that society wants us to conform to. In real life nobody could make a success of their life living like this, and John Hughes knows that. The audience know that no matter how much we side with the character he is on a collision course with failure, any chance of success in lie he may have had is now permanently lost. Of all the characters though, he is who I most wish I could be, I would love to have the courage to just do exactly what I wanted, screw the consequences. Unfortunately that is out of my reach.

The final character of the ensemble, is Alison, played by actress Ally Sheedy. This is the character who I see myself in the most, she isn’t brave enough to show herself to the world, just like I hide inside myself. She is described early on by the others as a ‘ basketcase’ but in reality, she could be the smartest of them all. They don’t understand her, yet she can see each of them for that they truly are, cowards, hiding behind a stereotype, a label so to speech. However, she keeps herself to herself, and remains almost silent over the course of the film, only offering the occasional comment when she feels it necessary. Never understanding the constant need to show false emotions for others, or the desire to put other people down. For this however she is victimised, called crazy, depressed, satanic even ! In my case I’ve been described as depressed , just because I too didn’t see any reason to share my feelings with others. I still rarely do, only with a precious few. It angers me, how ( just Like Allison) people think they have to label me, when I clearly wish to be just what I am, natural and not restricted by what people tell me is the right thing to do.

The breakfast club told the truth. Whilst ’ Ferris Beuller’s Day Off’ is the ultimate wish fulfilment, the ’Breakfast Club’ is realistic. For the first time I was watching a film about teens that seemed real. It was a world I could not only recognise, but felt a part of. In my experience, adults often look back, and talk about how school was the best days of their life’s, that may be true, but it’s an entirely different proposition when you’re there, having to deal with the daily bullshit coming from all directions, every little action deemed outside the norm questioned and scrutinised, then eventually laughed at. I’m not going to lie, my school life is better then many. I have some good friends, and people I know I can trust, which is more then can be said for some others, but I do feel as if I have to hold back constantly, avoid showing my true self, just because I know that it’s not worth it. All the characters in the breakfast club, hold a little something of themselves back, so as to avoid being laughed at, so they can stay In their little groups.
My love for this film has constantly increased over every viewing, as I find more and more of myself in the teenagers forced together through fate. The last time I viewed the film, I was lying on my bed with my ex-girlfriend, and as she watched the film, I watched her, and as every second of the film progressed I fell more in love with her. Like Molly Ringwald and Emilio Estevez ( Who share a kiss at the emotional climax of the film) Our relationship would be difficult and almost brought down by the fact that our friends, the groups of people we hung about with, took a dislike to each other, and told us that we were making mistakes and shouldn’t go for it. But as we lay together and watched this film, I felt for the first time ever, love ! Not just for the film, but towards the person lying next to me, somebody I could relate to and who accepted me as me, not a label, not a category, not something or someone I’m not. Over the following months, my love for this girl increased, to a stage where I couldn’t believe I could feel this way about any other person. Whenever I watch this movie, my mind instantly thinks of her, and how in a world of groups and labelling of people, we rose above it, and enjoyed each other for no reason other then who we really were, and what we meant to each other. And that proved to me that no matter what people say, and where they think you should belong, the only person who can truly tell you that is yourself, and that is what John Bender and the rest of the kids in detention try to tell us as we watch their Saturday morning progress. Ferris Beuller says the same thing, listen to yourself and do what pleases you, that’s the only way to find true happiness. The Breakfast club let me fall in Love and told me to listen to myself, But who am I ?

I am the brain,
the beauty,
the jock,
the rebel
and the recluse.

I am all of these, yet I am none of them, I am me and only me, but inside is each of these characters, I do not wished to be labelled and will never again fall into any of them, to me doing so is both cowardly and false. The essay written at the films conclusion by Anthony Michael Halls character, captures this sentiment perfectly, it reads:

‘ Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it is we did wrong, but we think you’re crazy for making us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us, in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions….. Sincerely yours, the Breakfast club.’

In my bedroom, directly above my bed, I have the movie poster from ‘ Ferris Beuller’s day out’ Each night as I fall asleep, I can look at this and dream of what I wish I was, who I wish I could be, if I only had the sheer confidence and nerve. On the opposite wall, above my door I have the movie poster for ‘ The breakfast club’ . And Everyday as I leave my room, to go out into the real world ,I can look up and see who I really am, see myself in the faces of five teenagers, who ‘broke the rules, bared their souls, and touched each other in a way that never seemed possible.’

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

Thursday, 12 March 2009

Time.....

So, Time Yeah ?

Why does it always feel like i'm waiting on something ? Nothing is ever just happening, i'm constantly looking for the next thing !

Sometimes it's exciting, the waiting, other times it's depressing, (why havn't i got a text, a call, anything ???) And sometimes it's just annoying ( Please just hurry up !) But no matter what it's always a case of waiting.

Time won't ever stand still, it shouldn't either, but sometimes it would be nice if it just slowed down for awhile and gave somebody like me the chance to work out some of the answers in my head. There is always a reason for having to wait, it's never just for the sake of it. If you are willing to wait on something you have to want it, otherwise you would leave it and move on... Make sense ? .... Thought not.

So what can we do, nothing is the answer i think. Whatever i'm excited about will arrive eventaully, if a text is meant for me it'll be sent, with a perfectly innocent reason why it took so long and if it is a wee annoying thing, then it'll be sorted out soon enough.

Things pass, People change, Life is differant than it was before. So What can i do to deal with Time... ?

I'll be talkin to ya xxx

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

My Own Private Dogma


Evenin.

This is new, so i'll start my just trying to give an idea of who i am, what i do and maybe why i do it.

Right, so Hey, i'm Steve, 16 years old and really not enjoying it. I'm not one of these people who think that they are bigger and better then what they really are, but i just find myself anoyed at what goes on around me. I've always been mature for my age, but it's really noticable the last year. Y'see, things have just went crazy to be honoust. It's a really long drawn out saga, not really that interstin, so i'll skip the details ! Let's say, i was in love, then realised what it was like to really lose it, i'd lost people befrore, but this was very differant.and it took a long, long time to get through it, about 5 months !

But i'm better now, pretty hapyp actually, met sombody new, could be potential here, i do really like her, so we'll just have to wait and see.
So, how to describe myself.... Well, i'm about 5'11, brown hair, blue/green eyes. I can either be raeally quiet, or pretty chatty just depends on who, where, when, why... People have described me as emo, but this isn't really true, i'm differant, don't follow the crowd, but i'm not in the habit of being 'emo' exactley, suppose it's all down to interpretation.

Love Films... Like Adore them ! Enjoy football, music, occasional book, nothing groundbreaking frankly. I excell at very little, and try my best to avoid the spotlight, not moody or depressed, just kinda shy, but i hide it well, people would never guess.

I play Guitar and write my own songs, i alsowrite alot of other stuff, such as this, but have focusedmainly on my ipod notes section...until now ! I''m branching out. Exciting times.

So why am i dong this, well i've always though about it, just never really bothered, so now just puttin me out there ! I can be pretty interstin at time in all honesty. This hopefully will give me a good chance to vent some stuff, as i've found it's not good to keep everything bottled up.

Ican be a pretty fucked up person, and do some really stupid, fucked up things, i've hurt people in the past, and been hurt in return. Now i promise that it won't happen again, i think i've learned what i need to, truth is though, alot of people don't like me, cool, that their perogative, frankly i couldn't give less of a fuck. It only bothers me when the people i care about begin to wonder why i'm doing things, that's whats's happened before and won't ever again.

What i've learned this last year is that nothing last forever, especially happiness, so just enjoy it while it's there, and try and not miss it too much when it's not, cause nothing you do will bring it back, aprt from wait, cause it is there, it's all about being patient.
'Life's Not a piece of music, it moves from song to song, chord to chord, lyric to lyric, never ending, an infinite playlist.' And that is exactley how it should be !

I'll be talkin to ya xxxx