And Here We Go!....

Hi.

I am currently sufficating, entirely and completely entombed by misery of my own doing. There is nothing to fathom or place, i don't even think theres much to be torn apart and studied. It;'s more just a scenario which needs to be dealt with and settled.... I just don't know what the situation is yet!

There isn't a wrong answer, not yet, but is there even a correct one? I can't think of it if there is. I never have the luxuary of perfectly suitable choices, then again who does? But it just seems to always be in flux with me, i never seem to be able to actually stumble through any substantial period of time without a momumental fuck-up! Or if not that, at least a crisis of confidence. Not really confidence in my actions, but confidence in my descisions, or lack-off. It's a tricky spot to find myself in, again and again and again.... But i routinely seem too, alas, maybe that's my ow misforutne, in a cosmically inspired and ordered movement to rid my life of all simplicity and enjoyment. That;s melodramatic actually, of course theres enjoyment, but only after some fucking issue usually, worse of late! And i'm not ever really willing to just nod and accept that. I WANT CONFLICT AND I WANT IT NOW!! That is essentially my moto in these most troubling of times.

I don;t really have anything to be generally upset over, infact, things should be brillinat! But i think it's just a case of something being missingm whilst the ingrediants for some early life Nirvana exist around me, the thing that binds them all together is possibly absent? Or maybe that 'thing' just doesn't exist? At least not  in the form i'd previously thought and hoped. I don't think it's really possible to know that, not until it's too late however....

I don't enjoy this, i am aware that some percieve me to be a bit of an attention seeker, just trying to get people to look in my direction, but that honestly couldn't be further from the truth, although that as an argument will always be difficult to succed with, as the act of defending the need for attention is, infact, very attention drawing, therefrore decreeing the entire statement on trial as pointless and untrue. But we deviate, back too topic.

Actually, i don't even have a topic to cover, not quite yet, but i will, i'm fairly certain of that fact.

Oh, and i'm back. Enjoy!

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

And Here We Go!....

Hi.

I am currently sufficating, entirely and completely entombed by misery of my own doing. There is nothing to fathom or place, i don't even think theres much to be torn apart and studied. It;'s more just a scenario which needs to be dealt with and settled.... I just don't know what the situation is yet!

There isn't a wrong answer, not yet, but is there even a correct one? I can't think of it if there is. I never have the luxuary of perfectly suitable choices, then again who does? But it just seems to always be in flux with me, i never seem to be able to actually stumble through any substantial period of time without a momumental fuck-up! Or if not that, at least a crisis of confidence. Not really confidence in my actions, but confidence in my descisions, or lack-off. It's a tricky spot to find myself in, again and again and again.... But i routinely seem too, alas, maybe that's my ow misforutne, in a cosmically inspired and ordered movement to rid my life of all simplicity and enjoyment. That;s melodramatic actually, of course theres enjoyment, but only after some fucking issue usually, worse of late! And i'm not ever really willing to just nod and accept that. I WANT CONFLICT AND I WANT IT NOW!! That is essentially my moto in these most troubling of times.

I don;t really have anything to be generally upset over, infact, things should be brillinat! But i think it's just a case of something being missingm whilst the ingrediants for some early life Nirvana exist around me, the thing that binds them all together is possibly absent? Or maybe that 'thing' just doesn't exist? At least not  in the form i'd previously thought and hoped. I don't think it's really possible to know that, not until it's too late however....

I don't enjoy this, i am aware that some percieve me to be a bit of an attention seeker, just trying to get people to look in my direction, but that honestly couldn't be further from the truth, although that as an argument will always be difficult to succed with, as the act of defending the need for attention is, infact, very attention drawing, therefrore decreeing the entire statement on trial as pointless and untrue. But we deviate, back too topic.

Actually, i don't even have a topic to cover, not quite yet, but i will, i'm fairly certain of that fact.

Oh, and i'm back. Enjoy!

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

Fight For It !

'When she leaves you don't just let her walk away. You better run the fuck after her and pur your heart out on the pavement. Leave everything you've got on that street, under the stars. You gotta tell her all the reasons you love her, and you've got to mean every single fucking word of it ! You better kiss her like you've never kissed her before and hold her in your arms like you're protecting the world, because she is your whole damn world ! Fight for her, fight untill it kills you, and don't let her go, because once she walks away from you, she's not coming back. And there is nothing at all you can do. Trust me, i've been there, you will regret it. I promise !'

I'll Be Talking To Ya xxx

Fight For It !

'When she leaves you don't just let her walk away. You better run the fuck after her and pur your heart out on the pavement. Leave everything you've got on that street, under the stars. You gotta tell her all the reasons you love her, and you've got to mean every single fucking word of it ! You better kiss her like you've never kissed her before and hold her in your arms like you're protecting the world, because she is your whole damn world ! Fight for her, fight untill it kills you, and don't let her go, because once she walks away from you, she's not coming back. And there is nothing at all you can do. Trust me, i've been there, you will regret it. I promise !'

I'll Be Talking To Ya xxx

Over, When You Said Goodbye....

Honestly I thought it was something special. really, I enjoyed every minute. And I've missed what it was every minute since it fell apart. But maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe it was an illusion ? A charade ? Could I have just been a way to feel better about yourself ? To try and convince yourself that you were capable of some level of humanity and love. Only to jump ship to an easier and less difficult person as soon as it became an option ?

Probably not ! I think more of you then that. But I couldn't even begin to judge you if it was the case ! You see, I would find it perfectly understandable, inevitable even, I can't be easy to live with, especially in a confined environment for much of the time.

Mybe what I'm stumbling about trying to say is, I don't care. That's not mean, it's a compliment. However you feel regarding me now doesn't matter, because I will always have the time we spent together, and nothing can take that away from me. Nothing....

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

Over, When You Said Goodbye....

Honestly I thought it was something special. really, I enjoyed every minute. And I've missed what it was every minute since it fell apart. But maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe it was an illusion ? A charade ? Could I have just been a way to feel better about yourself ? To try and convince yourself that you were capable of some level of humanity and love. Only to jump ship to an easier and less difficult person as soon as it became an option ?

Probably not ! I think more of you then that. But I couldn't even begin to judge you if it was the case ! You see, I would find it perfectly understandable, inevitable even, I can't be easy to live with, especially in a confined environment for much of the time.

Mybe what I'm stumbling about trying to say is, I don't care. That's not mean, it's a compliment. However you feel regarding me now doesn't matter, because I will always have the time we spent together, and nothing can take that away from me. Nothing....

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

Moments

When you put some actual thought into it, you realise that you split your life into individual moments. Every chapter of it is summed up in your mind by one particular vison, or moment. Often exagarated, but usually perfect. And that is what it's all about i'd say. Life is these moments, i saw a film last night, Love & Other Drugs, and it really rammed this point home to me so to speak. Life cannot be perfect, as people we all have flaws and will almost certaintly muck up every good thing we are given, this can't be helped. Sad but true. However, it's not too matter, because in the end what we do have is the perfect moments, as many as we want. And they won't ever leave us, they can't be lost. Because these monets are forever engrained in our minds, they become a part of us, part of the make-up that creates us, forms us and makes us whatever it is that we are and are supposed to become.

So this brings me to me.... The moments in my head, i've got many, i live in these monets more often than not, cling to them even. But that's not the be all and end all, i am on a constant journey to create new moments, new segments of reality, little steps of perfection on a rough and sort of depressing staircase. However, it really isn't easy that's for sure. It's like at the moment, life is diluted, everything is watered down. Colours don't stand out as bright as they have before, nothing is as exciting, everything has become the same. Excitemtn has basically just fucked off, this is as bad as it's been in a long time. The small brief moments of enjoyment are just toally overshadowed by the shit that surrounds them. I cannot win with this ! It dawned on me a matter of hours ago that my decisions in the past, and lack of action in certain scenarios have all resulted in this ! I am without a doubt the very man who was was too afraid to fly so who never did land. Were would i have been now had i just flown, had i just went for it, took the leap of faith so to speak. Not here that's for sure, but then i would have missed out on so much else, it's impossible to know or comprehend ! So i won't.

End of the day, this is exactly were i am, my own choices have led me here, so instead of complaining i'm going to make it work, i will find something, anything and everything will be good again. As Bette Davis would say: 'Why Let Us Ask For The Moon, When We Have The Stars.'

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xXx

Moments

When you put some actual thought into it, you realise that you split your life into individual moments. Every chapter of it is summed up in your mind by one particular vison, or moment. Often exagarated, but usually perfect. And that is what it's all about i'd say. Life is these moments, i saw a film last night, Love & Other Drugs, and it really rammed this point home to me so to speak. Life cannot be perfect, as people we all have flaws and will almost certaintly muck up every good thing we are given, this can't be helped. Sad but true. However, it's not too matter, because in the end what we do have is the perfect moments, as many as we want. And they won't ever leave us, they can't be lost. Because these monets are forever engrained in our minds, they become a part of us, part of the make-up that creates us, forms us and makes us whatever it is that we are and are supposed to become.

So this brings me to me.... The moments in my head, i've got many, i live in these monets more often than not, cling to them even. But that's not the be all and end all, i am on a constant journey to create new moments, new segments of reality, little steps of perfection on a rough and sort of depressing staircase. However, it really isn't easy that's for sure. It's like at the moment, life is diluted, everything is watered down. Colours don't stand out as bright as they have before, nothing is as exciting, everything has become the same. Excitemtn has basically just fucked off, this is as bad as it's been in a long time. The small brief moments of enjoyment are just toally overshadowed by the shit that surrounds them. I cannot win with this ! It dawned on me a matter of hours ago that my decisions in the past, and lack of action in certain scenarios have all resulted in this ! I am without a doubt the very man who was was too afraid to fly so who never did land. Were would i have been now had i just flown, had i just went for it, took the leap of faith so to speak. Not here that's for sure, but then i would have missed out on so much else, it's impossible to know or comprehend ! So i won't.

End of the day, this is exactly were i am, my own choices have led me here, so instead of complaining i'm going to make it work, i will find something, anything and everything will be good again. As Bette Davis would say: 'Why Let Us Ask For The Moon, When We Have The Stars.'

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xXx

2010- A Year in Review

So once again i'n gonna do a little summary of this year. All i can say, first and foremost is this... Fuck me, it's been a little bit mental. All aboard :)

January:

So the year kicked off with a bang. Literally, from the moment the clock hit midnight the shit hit the fan. As would become a theme, i wasnt really aware, just doing what i felt like doing. Some people took it all too seriously, ahh well. But New Year was fantastic. And the month itself was good. I was led down a path in the first part that i thought was something possibly special, but then that just kinda petered out... Or so i thought. Uni kicked off again. This term would fly by though, and i have to admit it was nowhere near as brilliant as the first. Ahh well.

February:

This was a strange month. But good. The first half flew in without too much incident. A highlight being my good friend and relative Dave begining to stamp his mark upon my uni friends and starting the integration of my social circles. The first part of the month was spent basically with the uni group hanging around with each other in various wee events, nothing groundbreaking, but nice. The second half but brought about the events that led to the previously given up, becoming a reality, which was a very welcome turn of events.

March:

This was one of the top months. Fantastic sums it up. It built up slowly, with a  lot of uni work to be done and dusted early on. This was completed without incident. So then the fun began. Paddy's day. One of the best nights of my life ! I can barely remember much of it, except it was class ! this was followed by a  few nights, topped of by a mate (Sean's) 20th birthday.  Well done him for lasting that long, but for me the night was pretty magical. I left with a girlfriend. The same girl who i had first felt something special with in January, having met her the previous October. We sorta fell back towards each other in February and by March we were together. Good stuff !

April:

Nothing exciting really happend in April to be honest. Just uni work and chilling with the girlfriend. Good fun though :) I'm really struggling to think of any major. So, we shall move swiftly on.....

May:

This was a bloody busy month so it was. aw a good few gigs, namely Hole and Rihanna. Hole was class, fully in love with courney Love, what a legend ! There was a few good parties too this month. My brother and my friend (and surrogate sister) Cherry/Sonia/Charlotta Reini, both turned 21 on the same weekend. That was good fun, i love a party. So for that reason, i got very drunk. The month finished up with me flying off to Florida, then onto New York on holiday.

June:

June stared in the USA with two weeks in Good 'ol Orlando. Me, mom, dad, Stuart and Natalie. A really nice two weeks, then on to New York for a few days. I really do love that city ! The world cup kicked of as well, but as per usual it was a bit shit, a total let down, and thus won't be mentioned any further. After coming home, i stayed for a week in gorgie with the then girlfriend, and just hung out, socialising with the usual suspects and generally just having a right good time. I then turned 18 which was a case of thank the fucking lord ! i couldn be arsed with havin to loan others ID's for much longer. I did realise however that after turning 18 people stop checking yoour age places. Therefore rendering it sorta pointless. That is an exagaration by the way, not a fair representation of Scottish licensing law.

July:

This was fine, right up until the final whistle. Again, it wasn't too busy, well not with exciting stuff anyway, just the usual kinda stuff. I was out & about a lot, drinking loads and in general just having a right good old giggle. Yay ! Also this month saw the dawning of the most powerful and feared pub quiz team in the land, it didnt appear fully formed, me, Dave and Greig started of with just a mindful of answers and no steady name, but it was the begining of something sorta brillinat. Right at the end however, the last day ! My life kinda hit a road block. Me and the girlfriend broke up ! i almost, sorta saw it coming but not enough to not still be upset by it. It really floored me and of course (with me being the enotional sort) i was left pretty devestated.

August:

This entire month was a write off. There was no chance i was gonna be up to much good, i was basically feeling kinda numb. The only proper highlight was seeing my favourite band Blink-182 in concert for the first time in six years. This gig serves as my release after all the bullshit that had preceeded it that month, i went fucking crazy, not my usual reserved, controlled self. And had a great fucking time. Also a friend reered her head again and became very helpful in getting over my winy, emo bullshit. so thanks for that.

September.

This month saw me go back to uni, the uni social group start up again, and Dave becoming a main player in it all, with greig also joining a few gatherings, so now my separate social locations had grouped together, quite useful :) All was good this month to be honest, i started to feel a lot better about everything and it all got pretty fun again, so cant really complain.

October:

Wow, this was a bit busy and kinda, sorta, just a little bit mental ! Went to London with el Dave to see lifehouse, amazing gig ! Few parties: Daves 19th and a kick ass halloween costume party which we all got done up brillinatly for (check a few posts ago.) Dave neded up with a girlfriend, who is absolutely lovely, so well done him, i'm delighted for him :) Me on the other didnt get a new girlfriend. I did kinda get involved with the rooomate of two pals, although purely in a friendly manner at this point, although it wouldnt remain like that, due to a lapse in my resistance haha. MY closenss to her caused issues, i wasnt supposed to spend time with her, there was anger and a lot of jealousy, i just remained aloof, inoring the trouble that was brewing around me, and the ignoring the manner in which my actionss were starting to cause problems beyond even my limits.

November:

Ok, ok, i fucked the fucking roommate ! That basically sums this month up, it's all i heard at te time, and all i've heard since ! I'm through apologising for it though, i only did what came natural, yeah it was daft but i defy any single guy to have said no. End of story ! Apart from that this month was decent. a lot of drama was going on, mostly caused by me, but i managed to stay clear of too much trouble as others had to pick up the peices, yeah it's a 'lil mean, but hey, gotta do it !

December:

This month has been rather good. Ruined by having a job like, but atleast i've earned a fair whack of cash ! i've been working at Next for those interested, actually a decent place to work, staff get treated really well, but the clothes themselves are proper shite ! so i'd not recommend buying anything from the store ! haha. What  else... Ehh, christmass was chilled, but nice. A family affair. I've got a large and really good fun family though so it's always a laugh. It's still December until midnight though, so hopefully still some good times to come :)

So there you have it. It's been an up and down year. All in all i'd say good though. The good was as good as it get's the bad, was bottom of the barrel stuff, but as always, i survive, and i bounce back.

A few thankyou's are in order.

Dad,
Mom,
Stuart,
Dave,
Natalie,
Molly (my Dog),
My entire uni group of friends,

And a special mention to a certain Lisa Reini. Over one year we have experienced every side of each other. Every mood, every feeling, every fight, every fall. For awhile we were as close as it get's. Now we are quite distant. But we are both still there, as it should be. So thank you for being this year for me. For making it everythin it is, and leaving me with the memories of everything it was. Thanks for the memories my dear :)

Good night, and good luck !

I'll Be Talkin to Yaa xxx

2010- A Year in Review

So once again i'n gonna do a little summary of this year. All i can say, first and foremost is this... Fuck me, it's been a little bit mental. All aboard :)

January:

So the year kicked off with a bang. Literally, from the moment the clock hit midnight the shit hit the fan. As would become a theme, i wasnt really aware, just doing what i felt like doing. Some people took it all too seriously, ahh well. But New Year was fantastic. And the month itself was good. I was led down a path in the first part that i thought was something possibly special, but then that just kinda petered out... Or so i thought. Uni kicked off again. This term would fly by though, and i have to admit it was nowhere near as brilliant as the first. Ahh well.

February:

This was a strange month. But good. The first half flew in without too much incident. A highlight being my good friend and relative Dave begining to stamp his mark upon my uni friends and starting the integration of my social circles. The first part of the month was spent basically with the uni group hanging around with each other in various wee events, nothing groundbreaking, but nice. The second half but brought about the events that led to the previously given up, becoming a reality, which was a very welcome turn of events.

March:

This was one of the top months. Fantastic sums it up. It built up slowly, with a  lot of uni work to be done and dusted early on. This was completed without incident. So then the fun began. Paddy's day. One of the best nights of my life ! I can barely remember much of it, except it was class ! this was followed by a  few nights, topped of by a mate (Sean's) 20th birthday.  Well done him for lasting that long, but for me the night was pretty magical. I left with a girlfriend. The same girl who i had first felt something special with in January, having met her the previous October. We sorta fell back towards each other in February and by March we were together. Good stuff !

April:

Nothing exciting really happend in April to be honest. Just uni work and chilling with the girlfriend. Good fun though :) I'm really struggling to think of any major. So, we shall move swiftly on.....

May:

This was a bloody busy month so it was. aw a good few gigs, namely Hole and Rihanna. Hole was class, fully in love with courney Love, what a legend ! There was a few good parties too this month. My brother and my friend (and surrogate sister) Cherry/Sonia/Charlotta Reini, both turned 21 on the same weekend. That was good fun, i love a party. So for that reason, i got very drunk. The month finished up with me flying off to Florida, then onto New York on holiday.

June:

June stared in the USA with two weeks in Good 'ol Orlando. Me, mom, dad, Stuart and Natalie. A really nice two weeks, then on to New York for a few days. I really do love that city ! The world cup kicked of as well, but as per usual it was a bit shit, a total let down, and thus won't be mentioned any further. After coming home, i stayed for a week in gorgie with the then girlfriend, and just hung out, socialising with the usual suspects and generally just having a right good time. I then turned 18 which was a case of thank the fucking lord ! i couldn be arsed with havin to loan others ID's for much longer. I did realise however that after turning 18 people stop checking yoour age places. Therefore rendering it sorta pointless. That is an exagaration by the way, not a fair representation of Scottish licensing law.

July:

This was fine, right up until the final whistle. Again, it wasn't too busy, well not with exciting stuff anyway, just the usual kinda stuff. I was out & about a lot, drinking loads and in general just having a right good old giggle. Yay ! Also this month saw the dawning of the most powerful and feared pub quiz team in the land, it didnt appear fully formed, me, Dave and Greig started of with just a mindful of answers and no steady name, but it was the begining of something sorta brillinat. Right at the end however, the last day ! My life kinda hit a road block. Me and the girlfriend broke up ! i almost, sorta saw it coming but not enough to not still be upset by it. It really floored me and of course (with me being the enotional sort) i was left pretty devestated.

August:

This entire month was a write off. There was no chance i was gonna be up to much good, i was basically feeling kinda numb. The only proper highlight was seeing my favourite band Blink-182 in concert for the first time in six years. This gig serves as my release after all the bullshit that had preceeded it that month, i went fucking crazy, not my usual reserved, controlled self. And had a great fucking time. Also a friend reered her head again and became very helpful in getting over my winy, emo bullshit. so thanks for that.

September.

This month saw me go back to uni, the uni social group start up again, and Dave becoming a main player in it all, with greig also joining a few gatherings, so now my separate social locations had grouped together, quite useful :) All was good this month to be honest, i started to feel a lot better about everything and it all got pretty fun again, so cant really complain.

October:

Wow, this was a bit busy and kinda, sorta, just a little bit mental ! Went to London with el Dave to see lifehouse, amazing gig ! Few parties: Daves 19th and a kick ass halloween costume party which we all got done up brillinatly for (check a few posts ago.) Dave neded up with a girlfriend, who is absolutely lovely, so well done him, i'm delighted for him :) Me on the other didnt get a new girlfriend. I did kinda get involved with the rooomate of two pals, although purely in a friendly manner at this point, although it wouldnt remain like that, due to a lapse in my resistance haha. MY closenss to her caused issues, i wasnt supposed to spend time with her, there was anger and a lot of jealousy, i just remained aloof, inoring the trouble that was brewing around me, and the ignoring the manner in which my actionss were starting to cause problems beyond even my limits.

November:

Ok, ok, i fucked the fucking roommate ! That basically sums this month up, it's all i heard at te time, and all i've heard since ! I'm through apologising for it though, i only did what came natural, yeah it was daft but i defy any single guy to have said no. End of story ! Apart from that this month was decent. a lot of drama was going on, mostly caused by me, but i managed to stay clear of too much trouble as others had to pick up the peices, yeah it's a 'lil mean, but hey, gotta do it !

December:

This month has been rather good. Ruined by having a job like, but atleast i've earned a fair whack of cash ! i've been working at Next for those interested, actually a decent place to work, staff get treated really well, but the clothes themselves are proper shite ! so i'd not recommend buying anything from the store ! haha. What  else... Ehh, christmass was chilled, but nice. A family affair. I've got a large and really good fun family though so it's always a laugh. It's still December until midnight though, so hopefully still some good times to come :)

So there you have it. It's been an up and down year. All in all i'd say good though. The good was as good as it get's the bad, was bottom of the barrel stuff, but as always, i survive, and i bounce back.

A few thankyou's are in order.

Dad,
Mom,
Stuart,
Dave,
Natalie,
Molly (my Dog),
My entire uni group of friends,

And a special mention to a certain Lisa Reini. Over one year we have experienced every side of each other. Every mood, every feeling, every fight, every fall. For awhile we were as close as it get's. Now we are quite distant. But we are both still there, as it should be. So thank you for being this year for me. For making it everythin it is, and leaving me with the memories of everything it was. Thanks for the memories my dear :)

Good night, and good luck !

I'll Be Talkin to Yaa xxx

I-Empire

Selfish.....

What's that all about then ?

So am i selfish ? Surely looking out for yourself ain't selfish. Only if it's you and only you. I'm not like that, i care abouts lots of other people. Some more, some less, but that's bnot the point. I do care !

People say, the world doesnt revolve around you > But it must do ? Does it bnot revolve around every individual, it obnly depends on what individual we're talking about here. The world that we all occupy has to revolve around exclusivly us, to ourselves. Because we see everything from chiefly our own perspective ! So in theory to me, thee wolrd i live in and the space i occupy is mine. Therefore it is surely wise of me to try and make the ost of it, and move thing around to suit myself. it that not human nature. Self preservation ? I'm pretty sure it is.

Why then must other people throw there weight into my existance, friends are there to support and offer advice. But not judge. I know that doesn't sound particularly right, but it fucking is !

Really, does it matter. Nobody should care unless people are getting hurt, but that's only happening because other humans are offering there scewed and shakey opinions. They are entitled too, i suppose, but maybe they should just sit back. There is no problem. They are the making the problem, in consequence that makes them the probblem. I dont even know who i'm talking about. I just like forces are constatnly moving to ruin me. For no reason other then what they think it right. But is it ? No.

At the end of the day, this is all mine. My life, my fun, my mess. So it's on me whatever the fuck happens. And i'm good at dealing with this, especially when it's as easy as this. i've been doing it for years. It's second nature. And yeah, i might wish this was last year instead, 'cause it was miles fucking better, but sometime slife doesn't play the cards you want. So i can look back and mile cause this time last year was fricken awesome. That's the past but, i'm her enow, so i'm entitled to make the best of it, and i like to think i am.

I'm in control of my own life. Therefore my choices are mine and mine alone, The whisperers can keep whispering to themselves as far as i'm concerned. I don't need there help. This is my fucking empire. And i'm in charge !

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

I-Empire

Selfish.....

What's that all about then ?

So am i selfish ? Surely looking out for yourself ain't selfish. Only if it's you and only you. I'm not like that, i care abouts lots of other people. Some more, some less, but that's bnot the point. I do care !

People say, the world doesnt revolve around you > But it must do ? Does it bnot revolve around every individual, it obnly depends on what individual we're talking about here. The world that we all occupy has to revolve around exclusivly us, to ourselves. Because we see everything from chiefly our own perspective ! So in theory to me, thee wolrd i live in and the space i occupy is mine. Therefore it is surely wise of me to try and make the ost of it, and move thing around to suit myself. it that not human nature. Self preservation ? I'm pretty sure it is.

Why then must other people throw there weight into my existance, friends are there to support and offer advice. But not judge. I know that doesn't sound particularly right, but it fucking is !

Really, does it matter. Nobody should care unless people are getting hurt, but that's only happening because other humans are offering there scewed and shakey opinions. They are entitled too, i suppose, but maybe they should just sit back. There is no problem. They are the making the problem, in consequence that makes them the probblem. I dont even know who i'm talking about. I just like forces are constatnly moving to ruin me. For no reason other then what they think it right. But is it ? No.

At the end of the day, this is all mine. My life, my fun, my mess. So it's on me whatever the fuck happens. And i'm good at dealing with this, especially when it's as easy as this. i've been doing it for years. It's second nature. And yeah, i might wish this was last year instead, 'cause it was miles fucking better, but sometime slife doesn't play the cards you want. So i can look back and mile cause this time last year was fricken awesome. That's the past but, i'm her enow, so i'm entitled to make the best of it, and i like to think i am.

I'm in control of my own life. Therefore my choices are mine and mine alone, The whisperers can keep whispering to themselves as far as i'm concerned. I don't need there help. This is my fucking empire. And i'm in charge !

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

Breakdown In Something Less Than Ordinary

Now that we don't speak I'm realising how important you were. Sure, I had an idea, course I fucking did, but it takes time to heal the problem and too fully understand the root of it.

What's the root of what then ? Well I'm not really that sure am I, but. I do know that (like the one who came before you) there's been an unknown impact, deep set y'kno, that isn't going away. It's scaring me, but weirdly comforting ain't it. Well for me it is.

It's just your names been brought up a few times recently, people be stopping to pretend you don't exist, obviously we're at that stage now, that people think I'm ok to bring her up. Which I am, of course, never haven't been either, but just funny how time forces folk to regulate there choice of topic in chat. Really is....

But yeah, back to what I be saying earlier ! We don't speak ! We were supposed too, it was gonna be special, 'best friends' me and her, you and me, whatever. But it hasn't came out that way has it ? Sure I might of freaked out couple 'o month back and caused some Bother, but that was resolved, I think. No, I know ! But now it's kinda like we don't exist to each other. I cannot and will not ever blame the good lady herself for this, as she be practically blameless, it's just life is all, but that doesn't make it any less weird !

I suppose it's normal this, to sorta drift away from each other, draw apart. Not that I want it like, but what can I do ? It's happning, plain & simple. Nootch ! I just get scared that you're forgetting ? Forgetting just how good we were, and yeah maybe you're right, that I would have been easier to have just always remained friends and never been together, but isn't that always the case ? Because every good thing has an expiration date, and the more special it is, the quicker it has to burn out, and we just couldn't keep re-igniting it baby, there was too much of real fucking life between us !

But I do wonder what she thinks ? What's in your head ? Who knows, you know and only you, not even the ohers who think they know actually do, I get you enough to be sure of that, your a living, breathing, walking contradiction. But so am I, so it sure as shot isn't the worse thing to be. I just want to know if you ever think back ? Do I still make the autobiography ? Do you remember walking the streets on that cold night in July, on the royal mile, on a pretend first date ? Do you rember talking about 30 years from now, our Eifal tower plan ? Probably not, but I'd smile if you did. I still care M'dear and always will, atleast we'll always have Paris ! Well probably not, but you never know I suppose.

'The past is only the future with the lights on.'

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xXx

Breakdown In Something Less Than Ordinary

Now that we don't speak I'm realising how important you were. Sure, I had an idea, course I fucking did, but it takes time to heal the problem and too fully understand the root of it.

What's the root of what then ? Well I'm not really that sure am I, but. I do know that (like the one who came before you) there's been an unknown impact, deep set y'kno, that isn't going away. It's scaring me, but weirdly comforting ain't it. Well for me it is.

It's just your names been brought up a few times recently, people be stopping to pretend you don't exist, obviously we're at that stage now, that people think I'm ok to bring her up. Which I am, of course, never haven't been either, but just funny how time forces folk to regulate there choice of topic in chat. Really is....

But yeah, back to what I be saying earlier ! We don't speak ! We were supposed too, it was gonna be special, 'best friends' me and her, you and me, whatever. But it hasn't came out that way has it ? Sure I might of freaked out couple 'o month back and caused some Bother, but that was resolved, I think. No, I know ! But now it's kinda like we don't exist to each other. I cannot and will not ever blame the good lady herself for this, as she be practically blameless, it's just life is all, but that doesn't make it any less weird !

I suppose it's normal this, to sorta drift away from each other, draw apart. Not that I want it like, but what can I do ? It's happning, plain & simple. Nootch ! I just get scared that you're forgetting ? Forgetting just how good we were, and yeah maybe you're right, that I would have been easier to have just always remained friends and never been together, but isn't that always the case ? Because every good thing has an expiration date, and the more special it is, the quicker it has to burn out, and we just couldn't keep re-igniting it baby, there was too much of real fucking life between us !

But I do wonder what she thinks ? What's in your head ? Who knows, you know and only you, not even the ohers who think they know actually do, I get you enough to be sure of that, your a living, breathing, walking contradiction. But so am I, so it sure as shot isn't the worse thing to be. I just want to know if you ever think back ? Do I still make the autobiography ? Do you remember walking the streets on that cold night in July, on the royal mile, on a pretend first date ? Do you rember talking about 30 years from now, our Eifal tower plan ? Probably not, but I'd smile if you did. I still care M'dear and always will, atleast we'll always have Paris ! Well probably not, but you never know I suppose.

'The past is only the future with the lights on.'

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xXx

All Your Perfect Little Faults

It's weird how after a certain amount of time away from somebody, somebody who you spend alot of time with, that you begin to miss the strangest things. Of course you miss th eobvious, there looks, there smell, there smile all that stuff. But on top of that you begin to miss all the things that you found less than perfect. In simple terms, you begin to miss all their faults, and probelms. All the issues they have, and every little thing that you ever found annoying or upsetting. Whether it's....

The fact that when you walk, you hold yourself funny, kinda looking like a stupid cartoon...

Or that you can't converse for any more than five minutes without drifting of and then having to be reminded about what we're talking about...

The fact that you're soo stubbernly resitant to changing opinions on anything that you just down right refuse to change your mind...

Even the fact that you constantly spout strange viewpoints and ideas about life, that could only make sense to you...

You always got your phrases and sayings mixed up, resulting in some hilarious and dumb statement...

Or that you always say 'like i always say' when to be honest, never once have you said that regarding something that you actually do always say...

Or how about that fact that you snore. Really, really loudly...

And that you take hours to wake up in the morning and then proceed to be tired until about 3 o'clock in the afternoon...

The fact that despite really, really believing in something, and wanting to do the best you can, when faced with a choice, you can never look outwith that moment, you can't see a big picture...

You've got shite will power and self control...

Or that you continually listen to the same set of songs, until you've succesfully driven everybody else within ear shot mental...

And worst of all, despite all of these faults, and all the problems you caused, and the headaches you gave, i still find you totally, and completely, perfect.

I'll Be Talkin To Yaa XxX

All Your Perfect Little Faults

It's weird how after a certain amount of time away from somebody, somebody who you spend alot of time with, that you begin to miss the strangest things. Of course you miss th eobvious, there looks, there smell, there smile all that stuff. But on top of that you begin to miss all the things that you found less than perfect. In simple terms, you begin to miss all their faults, and probelms. All the issues they have, and every little thing that you ever found annoying or upsetting. Whether it's....

The fact that when you walk, you hold yourself funny, kinda looking like a stupid cartoon...

Or that you can't converse for any more than five minutes without drifting of and then having to be reminded about what we're talking about...

The fact that you're soo stubbernly resitant to changing opinions on anything that you just down right refuse to change your mind...

Even the fact that you constantly spout strange viewpoints and ideas about life, that could only make sense to you...

You always got your phrases and sayings mixed up, resulting in some hilarious and dumb statement...

Or that you always say 'like i always say' when to be honest, never once have you said that regarding something that you actually do always say...

Or how about that fact that you snore. Really, really loudly...

And that you take hours to wake up in the morning and then proceed to be tired until about 3 o'clock in the afternoon...

The fact that despite really, really believing in something, and wanting to do the best you can, when faced with a choice, you can never look outwith that moment, you can't see a big picture...

You've got shite will power and self control...

Or that you continually listen to the same set of songs, until you've succesfully driven everybody else within ear shot mental...

And worst of all, despite all of these faults, and all the problems you caused, and the headaches you gave, i still find you totally, and completely, perfect.

I'll Be Talkin To Yaa XxX

Falling Away

Can i give you the moon ? Throw a lasso around it, pull it in. It's your's if you want it. But do you want it ? You didn't like it's a wonderful life, not one bit, not a christmas movie. Too black and white, did you mean literally or was there something more to that ? But the reference still stands. But why aim for the moon, when we can have the stars. And we saw the stars. Over and over and over again... Special nights, on a bridge, on a hill, in a swing park, heads out a window. I miss it all, i miss you. Sometimes i forget, and things seem ok, then it hits me, like a freight train, and i just want to close my eyes, and not open them until everythings better. Will it get better ? Of course it will, but how long. Fuck knows. It will. You cried and cried, said we'd be best friends, said you'd always loveme. Not just another guy. Yeah, ok. We'll see, i hope that's true. It's like driving a car, andd then it breaks in the middle of no place. I'm trapped with no wer to go, or nothing to help me, and i just have to soldier on, push through until i find help. Who's the help. I have people to talk to tooo, friends, great friends. But i need a salvation, a saviour, a somebody to take me away from this. I need a fucking distraction, just for now, until i can set about rebuilding the burned up, flatlined car. A month is a long time, too long, it;s getting harder every day, but i'm begining to loose her, the image in my head is fading, i don't have a presence. othing to hold onto, nothing to hold, fuck all to look for. No hope. I don't think. I can't help but over think, and in turn over look. This was always happening. But it can't be over, not that it is. Infact i don't think it will ever be over. Theirs a story here, one that should drag on, something to special. Maybe not a couple again, but that doesn't ruin a future, theirs still a tale to tell, i dont't have to be defeated, not yet. I can get down from the ledge, and shut the window, feel the warmth of indoors, i don't need to jump. I've already fallen, i now need to climb, i need to win, and i will fucking do whatever the hell it takes. I don't evre come second, i don't fail. I am in charge of this, this so called life. And it's about to energise, just watch me go.

Falling Away

Can i give you the moon ? Throw a lasso around it, pull it in. It's your's if you want it. But do you want it ? You didn't like it's a wonderful life, not one bit, not a christmas movie. Too black and white, did you mean literally or was there something more to that ? But the reference still stands. But why aim for the moon, when we can have the stars. And we saw the stars. Over and over and over again... Special nights, on a bridge, on a hill, in a swing park, heads out a window. I miss it all, i miss you. Sometimes i forget, and things seem ok, then it hits me, like a freight train, and i just want to close my eyes, and not open them until everythings better. Will it get better ? Of course it will, but how long. Fuck knows. It will. You cried and cried, said we'd be best friends, said you'd always loveme. Not just another guy. Yeah, ok. We'll see, i hope that's true. It's like driving a car, andd then it breaks in the middle of no place. I'm trapped with no wer to go, or nothing to help me, and i just have to soldier on, push through until i find help. Who's the help. I have people to talk to tooo, friends, great friends. But i need a salvation, a saviour, a somebody to take me away from this. I need a fucking distraction, just for now, until i can set about rebuilding the burned up, flatlined car. A month is a long time, too long, it;s getting harder every day, but i'm begining to loose her, the image in my head is fading, i don't have a presence. othing to hold onto, nothing to hold, fuck all to look for. No hope. I don't think. I can't help but over think, and in turn over look. This was always happening. But it can't be over, not that it is. Infact i don't think it will ever be over. Theirs a story here, one that should drag on, something to special. Maybe not a couple again, but that doesn't ruin a future, theirs still a tale to tell, i dont't have to be defeated, not yet. I can get down from the ledge, and shut the window, feel the warmth of indoors, i don't need to jump. I've already fallen, i now need to climb, i need to win, and i will fucking do whatever the hell it takes. I don't evre come second, i don't fail. I am in charge of this, this so called life. And it's about to energise, just watch me go.

Footprints in the Snow

Hi. So after 8 month of casual togetherness, and 5 months of a proper relationship. It's finished. Me and the younger Reini broke up on Sunday night. And frankly. I'm very upset.

Straight away i need to say that it wasn't a bitter event, their wasn't a falling out, or any sort of arguments or dissagreements. It just sorta happened. I'll try to summarise the very complicated set of events that brought it to an end as quickly as possible. On Thursday i arrived at her flat all ready to go to a party that night, only to be greeted with an upset girlfriend who was having a crisis of confidence. She was scared about the future and all the 'what if's' Of course i calmed her down and decided that i should probably stay with her that night as opposed to heading out. She fell asllep on me around 9ish and slept straight through till 11 the next day. Despite things seeemingly being ok, i knew that it had just been glossed over. Friday we had an awesome day, pretty much summing up what makes us work so well, not just as a couple but as friends. Sadly it would be our last day together as a couple. I didn't stay that night, i don't really know why, but around midnight when i was traveling back home, i knew deep down that it would most likely be a long time before i was doing that journey again. And i was right. On Sunday night after my pub quiz i went round to meet her. What ensued was a half hour conversation which the end result was a break up. Now i'm not gonna lie. It was difficult one of the hardest talks i've ever had actually. And it took every little bit of strenth i had to not cry. She didn't quite have this strenth, and she broke down in tears. One of the toughest, hardest, most emotionally in control people i know, yet she was in pieces. When it came time to leave, i struggled. It took two attempts to finally get out of the flat and into the cold streets. And without a backwards glance i walked off. Knowing that it would probably never quite be the same again.

From the start of middle of November i began to develop feeling for this girl, and she started to become a major part of my life, and throughout the entire winter period this connection grew, and grew, and grew. In what was the coldest and harshest winter i've probably ever experienced, her presence was a highlight. And it's funny despite the fact that the majority of our time as a couple (March till August) was played out against a sunny backdrop, the resounding sound in my mind when i think of her is the noise o snow under our feet, and i associate her with falling snow. Strange i know. In decembe rwe started sleeping with each other. It was very casual but like everything regarding us it was bound to grow into something alot more encompasing and powerful. From Christmas day onwards to be honest, it was written that we would have some sort of story to tell. That entire period was awesome. Memories of her walking out of the cinema and catching snow flakes in her mouth, or us getting out of a taxi at 1am at my house and almost falling over getting to the door over the ice. Or even Walking back to hers at 6am after a hogmany party that proved very dramatic, and holding on to each other for fear of falling in the snow. Good times indeed. But i suppose that was just a pre-curser to what would follow, and although these months shaped and in my opinion defined our time together, the real stuff was still waiting.

In March, at a birthday party, after much thought and deliberation we finally started to be a couple, it made some sense. Yet was also a complete risk. What if things went wrong and we lost our relationship and our friendship ? Well that question is what eventually did bring us apart, the fear of never being able to hang out or just be friends again. But at the time we chose to go ahead with it, and what happened was 5 of the best months of my life. We spoke on an almost daily basis and hung out as often as possible, far too much happened during that period to ever detail here, but all i can say is that it was magical. Despite what we expected it went on almost without a hitch. And we drew closer and closer almost every day we spent together. She told me she loved me in April and i was shocked. But i said it back, and i meant it, and my feelings were proven right over the coming months, were it dawned on me that she was just about the most Fricken Awesome person i'd ever met. Not only did i love going out with her and actually 'doing stuff' but the down times were soo good too. The days when we would do literally nothing, just sit about and talk, hold hands and talk complete rubbish but find it all insanely funny. I'd listen to her stupid comments and we'd laugh, forming little 'in' jokes as we moved on. Just entirely comfertable with each other. Or whne the elder Reini and her boyfriend were present, the strange little family we had created. But sadly, this closeness and family feel is probably all in the past now, no matter what happens i can't see it being re-created.

This is all harder to write then i thought it would be.

All i suppose that is left to say is that i hope after this month of away time we're taking, we can return to each others lifes and once again be friends. Or as we stated numerous times BEST frineds. And i do want that, of course the geer shift is going to be hard, the change in stauts is just something i'll have to deal with. I always thought that this break-up would be easier, but i was totally wrong. If anything it's harder. For the first time you were a girlfriend who was all over my life. Who was a vital part in my day to day. And it is soo fucking hard to watch you slip away. To know that in the month we're trying to not speech, you are trying to lose the feeling you had towards me, and the feelings that we shared. It's killing me, but i do understand, but that doesn't mean i can't be sad about it. I'm not going to lie, i think it's a waste, of all the time we spent together to let those feelings leak out and die. But your right, it might be the only way to be able to remain friends, and who knows what the future has in store. But right now, i just have to get used to not having you text me everyday, to not hearing your voice on the phone in the morning when i wake you up for work. For not having the excitement of the walk up gorgie road to Robertson avenue. To just not having you. For not being able to love you. Even though that is all i can do. I just have to move on. And try not to let a part of me die, again. Even though i fear that it already has.

So no matter what the future has in store, or whatever might happen. You will always be special, and maybe my best friend. 'Cause you are totally Fricken Awesome. Regardless of how you choose to move on. And i'll never forget the feelings i felt, and the days we spent together, in the winter or the summer. And whenever next the snow falls, no matter were you are in my life, or who ever else has joined it. I'll always love you. And it'll always be your footprints i see in the snow. Always....

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

Footprints in the Snow

Hi. So after 8 month of casual togetherness, and 5 months of a proper relationship. It's finished. Me and the younger Reini broke up on Sunday night. And frankly. I'm very upset.

Straight away i need to say that it wasn't a bitter event, their wasn't a falling out, or any sort of arguments or dissagreements. It just sorta happened. I'll try to summarise the very complicated set of events that brought it to an end as quickly as possible. On Thursday i arrived at her flat all ready to go to a party that night, only to be greeted with an upset girlfriend who was having a crisis of confidence. She was scared about the future and all the 'what if's' Of course i calmed her down and decided that i should probably stay with her that night as opposed to heading out. She fell asllep on me around 9ish and slept straight through till 11 the next day. Despite things seeemingly being ok, i knew that it had just been glossed over. Friday we had an awesome day, pretty much summing up what makes us work so well, not just as a couple but as friends. Sadly it would be our last day together as a couple. I didn't stay that night, i don't really know why, but around midnight when i was traveling back home, i knew deep down that it would most likely be a long time before i was doing that journey again. And i was right. On Sunday night after my pub quiz i went round to meet her. What ensued was a half hour conversation which the end result was a break up. Now i'm not gonna lie. It was difficult one of the hardest talks i've ever had actually. And it took every little bit of strenth i had to not cry. She didn't quite have this strenth, and she broke down in tears. One of the toughest, hardest, most emotionally in control people i know, yet she was in pieces. When it came time to leave, i struggled. It took two attempts to finally get out of the flat and into the cold streets. And without a backwards glance i walked off. Knowing that it would probably never quite be the same again.

From the start of middle of November i began to develop feeling for this girl, and she started to become a major part of my life, and throughout the entire winter period this connection grew, and grew, and grew. In what was the coldest and harshest winter i've probably ever experienced, her presence was a highlight. And it's funny despite the fact that the majority of our time as a couple (March till August) was played out against a sunny backdrop, the resounding sound in my mind when i think of her is the noise o snow under our feet, and i associate her with falling snow. Strange i know. In decembe rwe started sleeping with each other. It was very casual but like everything regarding us it was bound to grow into something alot more encompasing and powerful. From Christmas day onwards to be honest, it was written that we would have some sort of story to tell. That entire period was awesome. Memories of her walking out of the cinema and catching snow flakes in her mouth, or us getting out of a taxi at 1am at my house and almost falling over getting to the door over the ice. Or even Walking back to hers at 6am after a hogmany party that proved very dramatic, and holding on to each other for fear of falling in the snow. Good times indeed. But i suppose that was just a pre-curser to what would follow, and although these months shaped and in my opinion defined our time together, the real stuff was still waiting.

In March, at a birthday party, after much thought and deliberation we finally started to be a couple, it made some sense. Yet was also a complete risk. What if things went wrong and we lost our relationship and our friendship ? Well that question is what eventually did bring us apart, the fear of never being able to hang out or just be friends again. But at the time we chose to go ahead with it, and what happened was 5 of the best months of my life. We spoke on an almost daily basis and hung out as often as possible, far too much happened during that period to ever detail here, but all i can say is that it was magical. Despite what we expected it went on almost without a hitch. And we drew closer and closer almost every day we spent together. She told me she loved me in April and i was shocked. But i said it back, and i meant it, and my feelings were proven right over the coming months, were it dawned on me that she was just about the most Fricken Awesome person i'd ever met. Not only did i love going out with her and actually 'doing stuff' but the down times were soo good too. The days when we would do literally nothing, just sit about and talk, hold hands and talk complete rubbish but find it all insanely funny. I'd listen to her stupid comments and we'd laugh, forming little 'in' jokes as we moved on. Just entirely comfertable with each other. Or whne the elder Reini and her boyfriend were present, the strange little family we had created. But sadly, this closeness and family feel is probably all in the past now, no matter what happens i can't see it being re-created.

This is all harder to write then i thought it would be.

All i suppose that is left to say is that i hope after this month of away time we're taking, we can return to each others lifes and once again be friends. Or as we stated numerous times BEST frineds. And i do want that, of course the geer shift is going to be hard, the change in stauts is just something i'll have to deal with. I always thought that this break-up would be easier, but i was totally wrong. If anything it's harder. For the first time you were a girlfriend who was all over my life. Who was a vital part in my day to day. And it is soo fucking hard to watch you slip away. To know that in the month we're trying to not speech, you are trying to lose the feeling you had towards me, and the feelings that we shared. It's killing me, but i do understand, but that doesn't mean i can't be sad about it. I'm not going to lie, i think it's a waste, of all the time we spent together to let those feelings leak out and die. But your right, it might be the only way to be able to remain friends, and who knows what the future has in store. But right now, i just have to get used to not having you text me everyday, to not hearing your voice on the phone in the morning when i wake you up for work. For not having the excitement of the walk up gorgie road to Robertson avenue. To just not having you. For not being able to love you. Even though that is all i can do. I just have to move on. And try not to let a part of me die, again. Even though i fear that it already has.

So no matter what the future has in store, or whatever might happen. You will always be special, and maybe my best friend. 'Cause you are totally Fricken Awesome. Regardless of how you choose to move on. And i'll never forget the feelings i felt, and the days we spent together, in the winter or the summer. And whenever next the snow falls, no matter were you are in my life, or who ever else has joined it. I'll always love you. And it'll always be your footprints i see in the snow. Always....

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx