Why aim for the moon ?
When we have stars....
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx
Friday, 26 June 2009
Part time lover, Full time friend
I don't really have anything pressing to write ! Just a burning desire to write something. Strange eh ? So i'll try and make some sense of my thoughts and get them down.
It's a weird situation to be in, when you are friends with somebody not because of a building of a friendship, but because of a break-down of a relationship. Like the friendship really does feel kinda false, almost as if i am only there, serving that role, in the hope that i can sweep up the shit and take home the prize when the chance comes. But whilst it does feel lik that sometimes, i also enjoy it. As people go, she's the best, just brilliant, and it's really great to still have her in my life, allbeit in a reduced role. I know though that if i need somebody to talk to, their always about and willing, vise versa aswel ! At least i hope anyway.
So what i'm tryin to say is really, that i'm just working on convincing myself that my intentions aren't bad, and i am being so nice and stuff, just because i want to and that maybe it;s cause i really can be a nice caring person, not just a scheming, manipulative little fuck.
She is hot though ! It's problematic ! haha
I'll be talkin to ya xx
It's a weird situation to be in, when you are friends with somebody not because of a building of a friendship, but because of a break-down of a relationship. Like the friendship really does feel kinda false, almost as if i am only there, serving that role, in the hope that i can sweep up the shit and take home the prize when the chance comes. But whilst it does feel lik that sometimes, i also enjoy it. As people go, she's the best, just brilliant, and it's really great to still have her in my life, allbeit in a reduced role. I know though that if i need somebody to talk to, their always about and willing, vise versa aswel ! At least i hope anyway.
So what i'm tryin to say is really, that i'm just working on convincing myself that my intentions aren't bad, and i am being so nice and stuff, just because i want to and that maybe it;s cause i really can be a nice caring person, not just a scheming, manipulative little fuck.
She is hot though ! It's problematic ! haha
I'll be talkin to ya xx
Part time lover, Full time friend
I don't really have anything pressing to write ! Just a burning desire to write something. Strange eh ? So i'll try and make some sense of my thoughts and get them down.
It's a weird situation to be in, when you are friends with somebody not because of a building of a friendship, but because of a break-down of a relationship. Like the friendship really does feel kinda false, almost as if i am only there, serving that role, in the hope that i can sweep up the shit and take home the prize when the chance comes. But whilst it does feel lik that sometimes, i also enjoy it. As people go, she's the best, just brilliant, and it's really great to still have her in my life, allbeit in a reduced role. I know though that if i need somebody to talk to, their always about and willing, vise versa aswel ! At least i hope anyway.
So what i'm tryin to say is really, that i'm just working on convincing myself that my intentions aren't bad, and i am being so nice and stuff, just because i want to and that maybe it;s cause i really can be a nice caring person, not just a scheming, manipulative little fuck.
She is hot though ! It's problematic ! haha
I'll be talkin to ya xx
It's a weird situation to be in, when you are friends with somebody not because of a building of a friendship, but because of a break-down of a relationship. Like the friendship really does feel kinda false, almost as if i am only there, serving that role, in the hope that i can sweep up the shit and take home the prize when the chance comes. But whilst it does feel lik that sometimes, i also enjoy it. As people go, she's the best, just brilliant, and it's really great to still have her in my life, allbeit in a reduced role. I know though that if i need somebody to talk to, their always about and willing, vise versa aswel ! At least i hope anyway.
So what i'm tryin to say is really, that i'm just working on convincing myself that my intentions aren't bad, and i am being so nice and stuff, just because i want to and that maybe it;s cause i really can be a nice caring person, not just a scheming, manipulative little fuck.
She is hot though ! It's problematic ! haha
I'll be talkin to ya xx
Monday, 22 June 2009
Happy Birthday Steve
Happy Birthday to me :)
17 now, good times, nothing really changes, 18's the big one, but still. Can drive now though ! Sorta gonna miss being able to say i'm 16 has a nice ring to it.
It's sorta sad though, in comparing this year to last. This time last year as i turned 16 i had a very special friends stayin over, and she gave me the best birthday ever ! This year i'm pretty much on this, writing about it, to absouloutly nobody. How things can change eh.
I would give anything to go back to last year and relive that, i mean anything, not that i would change it, it really was my favourite birthday ever.
Soo 17 now, what has the last year given me ? Let's see...
Love
Heartbreak
Confusion
Anger
Fear
Hope
Excitement
Dissapointment
Elation
Understanding
And above all... A reason to believe that it will all get better !
So yeah, wow, this has been the fastest and slowest year of my life, the best and worse. I'll miss being 16, but hopefully, i've learned from it. After all, the mistakes i've made should have taught me something....
' The Good Thing About Being Young, Is Not Being Old Enough To Know That You Cannot Possibly Do The Things That You're Doing'
I'll be talkin to ya xxx
17 now, good times, nothing really changes, 18's the big one, but still. Can drive now though ! Sorta gonna miss being able to say i'm 16 has a nice ring to it.
It's sorta sad though, in comparing this year to last. This time last year as i turned 16 i had a very special friends stayin over, and she gave me the best birthday ever ! This year i'm pretty much on this, writing about it, to absouloutly nobody. How things can change eh.
I would give anything to go back to last year and relive that, i mean anything, not that i would change it, it really was my favourite birthday ever.
Soo 17 now, what has the last year given me ? Let's see...
Love
Heartbreak
Confusion
Anger
Fear
Hope
Excitement
Dissapointment
Elation
Understanding
And above all... A reason to believe that it will all get better !
So yeah, wow, this has been the fastest and slowest year of my life, the best and worse. I'll miss being 16, but hopefully, i've learned from it. After all, the mistakes i've made should have taught me something....
' The Good Thing About Being Young, Is Not Being Old Enough To Know That You Cannot Possibly Do The Things That You're Doing'
I'll be talkin to ya xxx
Happy Birthday Steve
Happy Birthday to me :)
17 now, good times, nothing really changes, 18's the big one, but still. Can drive now though ! Sorta gonna miss being able to say i'm 16 has a nice ring to it.
It's sorta sad though, in comparing this year to last. This time last year as i turned 16 i had a very special friends stayin over, and she gave me the best birthday ever ! This year i'm pretty much on this, writing about it, to absouloutly nobody. How things can change eh.
I would give anything to go back to last year and relive that, i mean anything, not that i would change it, it really was my favourite birthday ever.
Soo 17 now, what has the last year given me ? Let's see...
Love
Heartbreak
Confusion
Anger
Fear
Hope
Excitement
Dissapointment
Elation
Understanding
And above all... A reason to believe that it will all get better !
So yeah, wow, this has been the fastest and slowest year of my life, the best and worse. I'll miss being 16, but hopefully, i've learned from it. After all, the mistakes i've made should have taught me something....
' The Good Thing About Being Young, Is Not Being Old Enough To Know That You Cannot Possibly Do The Things That You're Doing'
I'll be talkin to ya xxx
17 now, good times, nothing really changes, 18's the big one, but still. Can drive now though ! Sorta gonna miss being able to say i'm 16 has a nice ring to it.
It's sorta sad though, in comparing this year to last. This time last year as i turned 16 i had a very special friends stayin over, and she gave me the best birthday ever ! This year i'm pretty much on this, writing about it, to absouloutly nobody. How things can change eh.
I would give anything to go back to last year and relive that, i mean anything, not that i would change it, it really was my favourite birthday ever.
Soo 17 now, what has the last year given me ? Let's see...
Love
Heartbreak
Confusion
Anger
Fear
Hope
Excitement
Dissapointment
Elation
Understanding
And above all... A reason to believe that it will all get better !
So yeah, wow, this has been the fastest and slowest year of my life, the best and worse. I'll miss being 16, but hopefully, i've learned from it. After all, the mistakes i've made should have taught me something....
' The Good Thing About Being Young, Is Not Being Old Enough To Know That You Cannot Possibly Do The Things That You're Doing'
I'll be talkin to ya xxx
Sunday, 21 June 2009
The Night The Moon Was Made
The last few days have sorta proved something to me, one of those things that you don't want to believe but when it's finally accepted it just seem so fucking clear and obvious that you just wish you noticed/realised soo much earlier. Tonight it's sink in and i'm glad kinda.
So what is this big, major revalation then ? Well it's really just the fact that i've noticed just how few people i really have around me that i trust and care for. It's worrying really, not many is the answer. One of whom i barely ever see, and who has their own life to live which jumps from continent to continent fairly regularly. I Like to think that theirs this powerful unspoken everlasting bond between us, but i'm not even sure that one truely exists or whether it's just me being overly hopeful and sentimental. Fuck knows, i shouldn't let it play on me so much.
But have you ever felt like you might have wasted a good few months of your life, chasing something that in the end just never happened. For reasons that you can't really fathom. Well if so, i know the feeling ! It's strange i never knew what i wanted from it all, and to an extent i suppose i might have gotten something back from in, but the emotional investment i created through april/may is now kicking me in the ass because i can't just drop it, but i'm watching it just run away. This one i suppose is potentially the result of my own lack of activity in one very specific area, but it's complicated in that respect, cause i was never sure of what i wanted until it was gone. I hate myself y'know that !
Soo to continue, i've went from this time last year from having loads of close friends, a girlfriend who i loved to bits and loads of others just sorta there and about, to this year havin less friends then ever before (although the once i have are the best), a pretty much burned out lovelife due to being ever so slightly silly and to the point just really fucking unhappy about the way things are going. This was not how it was supposed to happen. My plans have all went BOOM ! Adnd i can't handle being this in the lurch, with practically no control over what's happening around me. My influence has diminished to the stage were nobody really listened to word i say. I really m feeling, without sounding pathetic, lonely. It's a feeling that i've not experinced to this extent for a very, very long time. Shit.
I'm desperate to just get out, in the dark, find somewere quiet, and really think, work out a responce to all this, plan out a direction kinda. Just sit under the moon and the stars, and understand how unimportant and irrelevant i really am... And why that makes it all the more important that i have it how i want, or at least fight for the opportunity to achieve that.
Oh, and the reason it struck me tonight, and why it's made such an effect on me ?
Happy Birthday Steve :)
Their are still a few who care....
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx
So what is this big, major revalation then ? Well it's really just the fact that i've noticed just how few people i really have around me that i trust and care for. It's worrying really, not many is the answer. One of whom i barely ever see, and who has their own life to live which jumps from continent to continent fairly regularly. I Like to think that theirs this powerful unspoken everlasting bond between us, but i'm not even sure that one truely exists or whether it's just me being overly hopeful and sentimental. Fuck knows, i shouldn't let it play on me so much.
But have you ever felt like you might have wasted a good few months of your life, chasing something that in the end just never happened. For reasons that you can't really fathom. Well if so, i know the feeling ! It's strange i never knew what i wanted from it all, and to an extent i suppose i might have gotten something back from in, but the emotional investment i created through april/may is now kicking me in the ass because i can't just drop it, but i'm watching it just run away. This one i suppose is potentially the result of my own lack of activity in one very specific area, but it's complicated in that respect, cause i was never sure of what i wanted until it was gone. I hate myself y'know that !
Soo to continue, i've went from this time last year from having loads of close friends, a girlfriend who i loved to bits and loads of others just sorta there and about, to this year havin less friends then ever before (although the once i have are the best), a pretty much burned out lovelife due to being ever so slightly silly and to the point just really fucking unhappy about the way things are going. This was not how it was supposed to happen. My plans have all went BOOM ! Adnd i can't handle being this in the lurch, with practically no control over what's happening around me. My influence has diminished to the stage were nobody really listened to word i say. I really m feeling, without sounding pathetic, lonely. It's a feeling that i've not experinced to this extent for a very, very long time. Shit.
I'm desperate to just get out, in the dark, find somewere quiet, and really think, work out a responce to all this, plan out a direction kinda. Just sit under the moon and the stars, and understand how unimportant and irrelevant i really am... And why that makes it all the more important that i have it how i want, or at least fight for the opportunity to achieve that.
Oh, and the reason it struck me tonight, and why it's made such an effect on me ?
Happy Birthday Steve :)
Their are still a few who care....
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx
The Night The Moon Was Made
The last few days have sorta proved something to me, one of those things that you don't want to believe but when it's finally accepted it just seem so fucking clear and obvious that you just wish you noticed/realised soo much earlier. Tonight it's sink in and i'm glad kinda.
So what is this big, major revalation then ? Well it's really just the fact that i've noticed just how few people i really have around me that i trust and care for. It's worrying really, not many is the answer. One of whom i barely ever see, and who has their own life to live which jumps from continent to continent fairly regularly. I Like to think that theirs this powerful unspoken everlasting bond between us, but i'm not even sure that one truely exists or whether it's just me being overly hopeful and sentimental. Fuck knows, i shouldn't let it play on me so much.
But have you ever felt like you might have wasted a good few months of your life, chasing something that in the end just never happened. For reasons that you can't really fathom. Well if so, i know the feeling ! It's strange i never knew what i wanted from it all, and to an extent i suppose i might have gotten something back from in, but the emotional investment i created through april/may is now kicking me in the ass because i can't just drop it, but i'm watching it just run away. This one i suppose is potentially the result of my own lack of activity in one very specific area, but it's complicated in that respect, cause i was never sure of what i wanted until it was gone. I hate myself y'know that !
Soo to continue, i've went from this time last year from having loads of close friends, a girlfriend who i loved to bits and loads of others just sorta there and about, to this year havin less friends then ever before (although the once i have are the best), a pretty much burned out lovelife due to being ever so slightly silly and to the point just really fucking unhappy about the way things are going. This was not how it was supposed to happen. My plans have all went BOOM ! Adnd i can't handle being this in the lurch, with practically no control over what's happening around me. My influence has diminished to the stage were nobody really listened to word i say. I really m feeling, without sounding pathetic, lonely. It's a feeling that i've not experinced to this extent for a very, very long time. Shit.
I'm desperate to just get out, in the dark, find somewere quiet, and really think, work out a responce to all this, plan out a direction kinda. Just sit under the moon and the stars, and understand how unimportant and irrelevant i really am... And why that makes it all the more important that i have it how i want, or at least fight for the opportunity to achieve that.
Oh, and the reason it struck me tonight, and why it's made such an effect on me ?
Happy Birthday Steve :)
Their are still a few who care....
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx
So what is this big, major revalation then ? Well it's really just the fact that i've noticed just how few people i really have around me that i trust and care for. It's worrying really, not many is the answer. One of whom i barely ever see, and who has their own life to live which jumps from continent to continent fairly regularly. I Like to think that theirs this powerful unspoken everlasting bond between us, but i'm not even sure that one truely exists or whether it's just me being overly hopeful and sentimental. Fuck knows, i shouldn't let it play on me so much.
But have you ever felt like you might have wasted a good few months of your life, chasing something that in the end just never happened. For reasons that you can't really fathom. Well if so, i know the feeling ! It's strange i never knew what i wanted from it all, and to an extent i suppose i might have gotten something back from in, but the emotional investment i created through april/may is now kicking me in the ass because i can't just drop it, but i'm watching it just run away. This one i suppose is potentially the result of my own lack of activity in one very specific area, but it's complicated in that respect, cause i was never sure of what i wanted until it was gone. I hate myself y'know that !
Soo to continue, i've went from this time last year from having loads of close friends, a girlfriend who i loved to bits and loads of others just sorta there and about, to this year havin less friends then ever before (although the once i have are the best), a pretty much burned out lovelife due to being ever so slightly silly and to the point just really fucking unhappy about the way things are going. This was not how it was supposed to happen. My plans have all went BOOM ! Adnd i can't handle being this in the lurch, with practically no control over what's happening around me. My influence has diminished to the stage were nobody really listened to word i say. I really m feeling, without sounding pathetic, lonely. It's a feeling that i've not experinced to this extent for a very, very long time. Shit.
I'm desperate to just get out, in the dark, find somewere quiet, and really think, work out a responce to all this, plan out a direction kinda. Just sit under the moon and the stars, and understand how unimportant and irrelevant i really am... And why that makes it all the more important that i have it how i want, or at least fight for the opportunity to achieve that.
Oh, and the reason it struck me tonight, and why it's made such an effect on me ?
Happy Birthday Steve :)
Their are still a few who care....
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx
Friday, 19 June 2009
To Do list.....
For Dave.....
Ahem :D
Saturday 20th ( tomorrow): Managing Ghana Lol
Wednesday 24th: Director Q'n'A At same place as lastr night
Friday 26th: Show In perth
Sunday 28: Party at mine :)
There yi have it. Get on it !
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx
Ahem :D
Saturday 20th ( tomorrow): Managing Ghana Lol
Wednesday 24th: Director Q'n'A At same place as lastr night
Friday 26th: Show In perth
Sunday 28: Party at mine :)
There yi have it. Get on it !
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx
To Do list.....
For Dave.....
Ahem :D
Saturday 20th ( tomorrow): Managing Ghana Lol
Wednesday 24th: Director Q'n'A At same place as lastr night
Friday 26th: Show In perth
Sunday 28: Party at mine :)
There yi have it. Get on it !
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx
Ahem :D
Saturday 20th ( tomorrow): Managing Ghana Lol
Wednesday 24th: Director Q'n'A At same place as lastr night
Friday 26th: Show In perth
Sunday 28: Party at mine :)
There yi have it. Get on it !
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
A return
So, I'm back. Yeah.....
Had a good week, have been awake 35 hours now though. Lying in bed, filled with sleepy pills, my minds racing, so much to get down. But no ! It'll wait I need to lie here and force sleep somehow. No more pills, accidents do happen, I'll just lie here.
I'm unhappy, why I couldn't say, but I havn't felt like this in a long, long time. It's bad worse then usual ! Of has to be worked out, needs to be.
I'm to blame. I cannot let go....
I'm scared and very, very alone. I can only cry, I'll wake up feeling better ! But it's a temporary fix.
Steve Runciman = under construction.
Not a plaything.....
Have a nice night, would like to join you.
I'll be talkin to yaa xxx
Had a good week, have been awake 35 hours now though. Lying in bed, filled with sleepy pills, my minds racing, so much to get down. But no ! It'll wait I need to lie here and force sleep somehow. No more pills, accidents do happen, I'll just lie here.
I'm unhappy, why I couldn't say, but I havn't felt like this in a long, long time. It's bad worse then usual ! Of has to be worked out, needs to be.
I'm to blame. I cannot let go....
I'm scared and very, very alone. I can only cry, I'll wake up feeling better ! But it's a temporary fix.
Steve Runciman = under construction.
Not a plaything.....
Have a nice night, would like to join you.
I'll be talkin to yaa xxx
A return
So, I'm back. Yeah.....
Had a good week, have been awake 35 hours now though. Lying in bed, filled with sleepy pills, my minds racing, so much to get down. But no ! It'll wait I need to lie here and force sleep somehow. No more pills, accidents do happen, I'll just lie here.
I'm unhappy, why I couldn't say, but I havn't felt like this in a long, long time. It's bad worse then usual ! Of has to be worked out, needs to be.
I'm to blame. I cannot let go....
I'm scared and very, very alone. I can only cry, I'll wake up feeling better ! But it's a temporary fix.
Steve Runciman = under construction.
Not a plaything.....
Have a nice night, would like to join you.
I'll be talkin to yaa xxx
Had a good week, have been awake 35 hours now though. Lying in bed, filled with sleepy pills, my minds racing, so much to get down. But no ! It'll wait I need to lie here and force sleep somehow. No more pills, accidents do happen, I'll just lie here.
I'm unhappy, why I couldn't say, but I havn't felt like this in a long, long time. It's bad worse then usual ! Of has to be worked out, needs to be.
I'm to blame. I cannot let go....
I'm scared and very, very alone. I can only cry, I'll wake up feeling better ! But it's a temporary fix.
Steve Runciman = under construction.
Not a plaything.....
Have a nice night, would like to join you.
I'll be talkin to yaa xxx
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
Bye For Awhile
Hey ! Just to say that in a few hours I'll me flyin away to Orlando, Florida (yes, the orange making capital of the world),
I'm lookin forwards to it :) Just me and the fathership ! Will be good. Anyway, no Internet connection there, so you may have to wait awhile for the next chapter of me ! Haha, doubt that really concerns anyone but ahh well....
So loyal readers (if any) Have a good week, stay safe, play hard, live a little ! Back Sunday, don't be forgettin ;)
Byeeeeeee
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx
I'm lookin forwards to it :) Just me and the fathership ! Will be good. Anyway, no Internet connection there, so you may have to wait awhile for the next chapter of me ! Haha, doubt that really concerns anyone but ahh well....
So loyal readers (if any) Have a good week, stay safe, play hard, live a little ! Back Sunday, don't be forgettin ;)
Byeeeeeee
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx
Bye For Awhile
Hey ! Just to say that in a few hours I'll me flyin away to Orlando, Florida (yes, the orange making capital of the world),
I'm lookin forwards to it :) Just me and the fathership ! Will be good. Anyway, no Internet connection there, so you may have to wait awhile for the next chapter of me ! Haha, doubt that really concerns anyone but ahh well....
So loyal readers (if any) Have a good week, stay safe, play hard, live a little ! Back Sunday, don't be forgettin ;)
Byeeeeeee
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx
I'm lookin forwards to it :) Just me and the fathership ! Will be good. Anyway, no Internet connection there, so you may have to wait awhile for the next chapter of me ! Haha, doubt that really concerns anyone but ahh well....
So loyal readers (if any) Have a good week, stay safe, play hard, live a little ! Back Sunday, don't be forgettin ;)
Byeeeeeee
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx
Sunday, 7 June 2009
Everythings Changed... Except ?
What a change a year can bring. It's Sunday night, June 7th. I feel a twinge of sadness looking back on the fact that on the equivalent Sunday last year (2008) i was back home after a fantastic day, that topped a brilliant weekend. I can remember it right clearly aswel ! Friday night the Paris's were dowe, just the usual banter etc... Saturday morning i was at a funeral for a teacher, but it was a great occasion (despite obviously being quite sad) After said funeral me and wee half pint headed into the city to meet the love and her pal. Had a great day, then me with some people from school and then dad picked me up and took me home, were the paris's came down (again) for another good night. I had a nice book come through the post aswel ! About John Hughes and his films. Inspired me, i do say. Then it was topped of on a Sunday that was as random as it was fantastic. Headed up on a train with a Skywalker look-a-like to the highlands gateway (Begins with a P for the un-educated) and then went to some random lassies house for a bbq ! The mrs was there like, so i was known ! Anyway, what could have been a weird day, wasn't just due to the fact that right then i realised that i was in a situation that was more serious then i had thought, and the 2 and a bit hours spent on a trampoline were some of the best spent of my life !
Obviously all of that resulted in some of the best times of my life, with the remaining weeks until a certain departure being some of the happiest i'll ever have. The entire month of June to be honoust was something special. I had finished exams in late may so that whole period was stress free (mostly) and fantasticly rewarding and fun. I always had something new to look forward too and i was slowly , but surely feeling something i hadn't in a long time.
Contrast then to this year ! When despite now being cleared of the hassle of my shitty school forever, i'm unhappy. It's simple, the reasons why, i have nothing filling the gap that was filled last year, i'm hollow and a bit empty, like all of this build of has just been an anti-climax and that this is the way things will be from now on. An afterthought, not of any major importance. Not a nice thought sadly, and just a wee bit depressing. You would think that their would be something to do about it, but it really doesn't seem that way ! As far as i can see i've used up all my options in this case, and sadly nothing or nobody can compare. Bummer ! My best bet is just to plow on, things will pick up, or at least they should, i deserve them to, i always go out with good intentions, and i've been treated pretty fuckin horribly by life in that respect ( I'm not moaning, i'm very lucky in other ways) but still, it bothers me.
See, whilst last year as i was now going back to school, for a somewhat pointless last two weeks i wasn't bothered, it was an exciting time for me. School was a skive, i was sneakin out to meet people, sending soppy, cute texts and generaly just feeling young and excited ! The year previously as well i suppose. On a differant level, that was when i was first finding out who i was and what i wanted from life. And despite a somewhat shit event in June that last year, it really had a positive effect as i lost somebody i wanted, but realised that the friends around me were great and that i could have a great summer with them. True, it wouldn't rival the late May/early June that i had encountered, but still overall it was good. It wouldn't last, people change and as i did, i don't think i was ever accepted as much by those 'friends' especially coming toward the end of my 4th year.
But then it didn't matter, cause at that stage i had met 'her' and nothing could bother me, i felt indestructible. And last summer when the big plane left here, towards parts exotic, i was gutted, as i had fallen in love with some of it's cargo, but i knew that it would be ok. I was ready for a summer of talk, were the things could be learned, and brought towards a whole new level, making the glorious (august) re-union even more exciting, as two months worth of conversation, phonecalls, webcams and pictures and all the tension and nervous energy they created, would be released in what can only be described as one of the most powerful and destructive, yet wonderful, feelings i've ever had the good fortune and luck to enjoy. If only, it could remain so ! Ahh well.
So this year, what do i have to look forward too ? Well on Tuesday i have a weeks holiday in florida, Good times ! But after that i'm clean, nothing at all, apart from driving lessons etc... This year there is no she, nobody to talk to everynight until 8am. Nobody to love. Theirs not even somebody to focus on, to beat myself up over, like the year before that (2007), which whilst, being sad and annoying, is also quite a strong emotion. Knowing that you are capable of feeling such strenth for another. Although compared to the following year what i felt was nothing, just childish, confused yearnings, nothing more. But no, i really have got nothin to feel for, or nobody as it may be, i could have had, but i pretty much let that potentiol slide about a month ago ! Ahh well, no great loss on that front really, i can do much better !
So here's to the future ! Let's hope something unexpected can come along and cheer me up, change the direction of what's bound to be a mundane, excitement free summer ! Let's hope.But fuck it's not likely.
So everything changed.... Except.... For the way i feel about you.
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx
Obviously all of that resulted in some of the best times of my life, with the remaining weeks until a certain departure being some of the happiest i'll ever have. The entire month of June to be honoust was something special. I had finished exams in late may so that whole period was stress free (mostly) and fantasticly rewarding and fun. I always had something new to look forward too and i was slowly , but surely feeling something i hadn't in a long time.
Contrast then to this year ! When despite now being cleared of the hassle of my shitty school forever, i'm unhappy. It's simple, the reasons why, i have nothing filling the gap that was filled last year, i'm hollow and a bit empty, like all of this build of has just been an anti-climax and that this is the way things will be from now on. An afterthought, not of any major importance. Not a nice thought sadly, and just a wee bit depressing. You would think that their would be something to do about it, but it really doesn't seem that way ! As far as i can see i've used up all my options in this case, and sadly nothing or nobody can compare. Bummer ! My best bet is just to plow on, things will pick up, or at least they should, i deserve them to, i always go out with good intentions, and i've been treated pretty fuckin horribly by life in that respect ( I'm not moaning, i'm very lucky in other ways) but still, it bothers me.
See, whilst last year as i was now going back to school, for a somewhat pointless last two weeks i wasn't bothered, it was an exciting time for me. School was a skive, i was sneakin out to meet people, sending soppy, cute texts and generaly just feeling young and excited ! The year previously as well i suppose. On a differant level, that was when i was first finding out who i was and what i wanted from life. And despite a somewhat shit event in June that last year, it really had a positive effect as i lost somebody i wanted, but realised that the friends around me were great and that i could have a great summer with them. True, it wouldn't rival the late May/early June that i had encountered, but still overall it was good. It wouldn't last, people change and as i did, i don't think i was ever accepted as much by those 'friends' especially coming toward the end of my 4th year.
But then it didn't matter, cause at that stage i had met 'her' and nothing could bother me, i felt indestructible. And last summer when the big plane left here, towards parts exotic, i was gutted, as i had fallen in love with some of it's cargo, but i knew that it would be ok. I was ready for a summer of talk, were the things could be learned, and brought towards a whole new level, making the glorious (august) re-union even more exciting, as two months worth of conversation, phonecalls, webcams and pictures and all the tension and nervous energy they created, would be released in what can only be described as one of the most powerful and destructive, yet wonderful, feelings i've ever had the good fortune and luck to enjoy. If only, it could remain so ! Ahh well.
So this year, what do i have to look forward too ? Well on Tuesday i have a weeks holiday in florida, Good times ! But after that i'm clean, nothing at all, apart from driving lessons etc... This year there is no she, nobody to talk to everynight until 8am. Nobody to love. Theirs not even somebody to focus on, to beat myself up over, like the year before that (2007), which whilst, being sad and annoying, is also quite a strong emotion. Knowing that you are capable of feeling such strenth for another. Although compared to the following year what i felt was nothing, just childish, confused yearnings, nothing more. But no, i really have got nothin to feel for, or nobody as it may be, i could have had, but i pretty much let that potentiol slide about a month ago ! Ahh well, no great loss on that front really, i can do much better !
So here's to the future ! Let's hope something unexpected can come along and cheer me up, change the direction of what's bound to be a mundane, excitement free summer ! Let's hope.But fuck it's not likely.
So everything changed.... Except.... For the way i feel about you.
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx
Everythings Changed... Except ?
What a change a year can bring. It's Sunday night, June 7th. I feel a twinge of sadness looking back on the fact that on the equivalent Sunday last year (2008) i was back home after a fantastic day, that topped a brilliant weekend. I can remember it right clearly aswel ! Friday night the Paris's were dowe, just the usual banter etc... Saturday morning i was at a funeral for a teacher, but it was a great occasion (despite obviously being quite sad) After said funeral me and wee half pint headed into the city to meet the love and her pal. Had a great day, then me with some people from school and then dad picked me up and took me home, were the paris's came down (again) for another good night. I had a nice book come through the post aswel ! About John Hughes and his films. Inspired me, i do say. Then it was topped of on a Sunday that was as random as it was fantastic. Headed up on a train with a Skywalker look-a-like to the highlands gateway (Begins with a P for the un-educated) and then went to some random lassies house for a bbq ! The mrs was there like, so i was known ! Anyway, what could have been a weird day, wasn't just due to the fact that right then i realised that i was in a situation that was more serious then i had thought, and the 2 and a bit hours spent on a trampoline were some of the best spent of my life !
Obviously all of that resulted in some of the best times of my life, with the remaining weeks until a certain departure being some of the happiest i'll ever have. The entire month of June to be honoust was something special. I had finished exams in late may so that whole period was stress free (mostly) and fantasticly rewarding and fun. I always had something new to look forward too and i was slowly , but surely feeling something i hadn't in a long time.
Contrast then to this year ! When despite now being cleared of the hassle of my shitty school forever, i'm unhappy. It's simple, the reasons why, i have nothing filling the gap that was filled last year, i'm hollow and a bit empty, like all of this build of has just been an anti-climax and that this is the way things will be from now on. An afterthought, not of any major importance. Not a nice thought sadly, and just a wee bit depressing. You would think that their would be something to do about it, but it really doesn't seem that way ! As far as i can see i've used up all my options in this case, and sadly nothing or nobody can compare. Bummer ! My best bet is just to plow on, things will pick up, or at least they should, i deserve them to, i always go out with good intentions, and i've been treated pretty fuckin horribly by life in that respect ( I'm not moaning, i'm very lucky in other ways) but still, it bothers me.
See, whilst last year as i was now going back to school, for a somewhat pointless last two weeks i wasn't bothered, it was an exciting time for me. School was a skive, i was sneakin out to meet people, sending soppy, cute texts and generaly just feeling young and excited ! The year previously as well i suppose. On a differant level, that was when i was first finding out who i was and what i wanted from life. And despite a somewhat shit event in June that last year, it really had a positive effect as i lost somebody i wanted, but realised that the friends around me were great and that i could have a great summer with them. True, it wouldn't rival the late May/early June that i had encountered, but still overall it was good. It wouldn't last, people change and as i did, i don't think i was ever accepted as much by those 'friends' especially coming toward the end of my 4th year.
But then it didn't matter, cause at that stage i had met 'her' and nothing could bother me, i felt indestructible. And last summer when the big plane left here, towards parts exotic, i was gutted, as i had fallen in love with some of it's cargo, but i knew that it would be ok. I was ready for a summer of talk, were the things could be learned, and brought towards a whole new level, making the glorious (august) re-union even more exciting, as two months worth of conversation, phonecalls, webcams and pictures and all the tension and nervous energy they created, would be released in what can only be described as one of the most powerful and destructive, yet wonderful, feelings i've ever had the good fortune and luck to enjoy. If only, it could remain so ! Ahh well.
So this year, what do i have to look forward too ? Well on Tuesday i have a weeks holiday in florida, Good times ! But after that i'm clean, nothing at all, apart from driving lessons etc... This year there is no she, nobody to talk to everynight until 8am. Nobody to love. Theirs not even somebody to focus on, to beat myself up over, like the year before that (2007), which whilst, being sad and annoying, is also quite a strong emotion. Knowing that you are capable of feeling such strenth for another. Although compared to the following year what i felt was nothing, just childish, confused yearnings, nothing more. But no, i really have got nothin to feel for, or nobody as it may be, i could have had, but i pretty much let that potentiol slide about a month ago ! Ahh well, no great loss on that front really, i can do much better !
So here's to the future ! Let's hope something unexpected can come along and cheer me up, change the direction of what's bound to be a mundane, excitement free summer ! Let's hope.But fuck it's not likely.
So everything changed.... Except.... For the way i feel about you.
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx
Obviously all of that resulted in some of the best times of my life, with the remaining weeks until a certain departure being some of the happiest i'll ever have. The entire month of June to be honoust was something special. I had finished exams in late may so that whole period was stress free (mostly) and fantasticly rewarding and fun. I always had something new to look forward too and i was slowly , but surely feeling something i hadn't in a long time.
Contrast then to this year ! When despite now being cleared of the hassle of my shitty school forever, i'm unhappy. It's simple, the reasons why, i have nothing filling the gap that was filled last year, i'm hollow and a bit empty, like all of this build of has just been an anti-climax and that this is the way things will be from now on. An afterthought, not of any major importance. Not a nice thought sadly, and just a wee bit depressing. You would think that their would be something to do about it, but it really doesn't seem that way ! As far as i can see i've used up all my options in this case, and sadly nothing or nobody can compare. Bummer ! My best bet is just to plow on, things will pick up, or at least they should, i deserve them to, i always go out with good intentions, and i've been treated pretty fuckin horribly by life in that respect ( I'm not moaning, i'm very lucky in other ways) but still, it bothers me.
See, whilst last year as i was now going back to school, for a somewhat pointless last two weeks i wasn't bothered, it was an exciting time for me. School was a skive, i was sneakin out to meet people, sending soppy, cute texts and generaly just feeling young and excited ! The year previously as well i suppose. On a differant level, that was when i was first finding out who i was and what i wanted from life. And despite a somewhat shit event in June that last year, it really had a positive effect as i lost somebody i wanted, but realised that the friends around me were great and that i could have a great summer with them. True, it wouldn't rival the late May/early June that i had encountered, but still overall it was good. It wouldn't last, people change and as i did, i don't think i was ever accepted as much by those 'friends' especially coming toward the end of my 4th year.
But then it didn't matter, cause at that stage i had met 'her' and nothing could bother me, i felt indestructible. And last summer when the big plane left here, towards parts exotic, i was gutted, as i had fallen in love with some of it's cargo, but i knew that it would be ok. I was ready for a summer of talk, were the things could be learned, and brought towards a whole new level, making the glorious (august) re-union even more exciting, as two months worth of conversation, phonecalls, webcams and pictures and all the tension and nervous energy they created, would be released in what can only be described as one of the most powerful and destructive, yet wonderful, feelings i've ever had the good fortune and luck to enjoy. If only, it could remain so ! Ahh well.
So this year, what do i have to look forward too ? Well on Tuesday i have a weeks holiday in florida, Good times ! But after that i'm clean, nothing at all, apart from driving lessons etc... This year there is no she, nobody to talk to everynight until 8am. Nobody to love. Theirs not even somebody to focus on, to beat myself up over, like the year before that (2007), which whilst, being sad and annoying, is also quite a strong emotion. Knowing that you are capable of feeling such strenth for another. Although compared to the following year what i felt was nothing, just childish, confused yearnings, nothing more. But no, i really have got nothin to feel for, or nobody as it may be, i could have had, but i pretty much let that potentiol slide about a month ago ! Ahh well, no great loss on that front really, i can do much better !
So here's to the future ! Let's hope something unexpected can come along and cheer me up, change the direction of what's bound to be a mundane, excitement free summer ! Let's hope.But fuck it's not likely.
So everything changed.... Except.... For the way i feel about you.
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx
Friday, 5 June 2009
From Where You Are
My Current Faveourite Song, Jason Wade Wrote This About A Friend Who Died In A Car Accident. Really Beautiful Lyrics. The Sentiment Of The Song, Really Gets To Me, Plays On The Past Etc... Enjoy !
So far away from where you are,
I miss the years that were erased,
I miss the years that were erased,
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx
'So far away from were you are,
These miles have turn us worlds apart,
And i miss you,
Yeah i miss you.
So far away from where you are,
Standing underneath the stars,
And i wish you were here.
I miss the years that were erased,
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face,
I miss all the little things,
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me,
Yeah i miss you,
And i wish you, were here.
I feel the beating of your heart,
I see the shadows of your face,
Just know that wherever you are,
Yeah i miss you,
And i wish you, were here .
I miss the years that were erased,
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face,
I miss all the little things,
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me,
Yeah i miss you,
And i wish you were here.'
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx
From Where You Are
My Current Faveourite Song, Jason Wade Wrote This About A Friend Who Died In A Car Accident. Really Beautiful Lyrics. The Sentiment Of The Song, Really Gets To Me, Plays On The Past Etc... Enjoy !
So far away from where you are,
I miss the years that were erased,
I miss the years that were erased,
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx
'So far away from were you are,
These miles have turn us worlds apart,
And i miss you,
Yeah i miss you.
So far away from where you are,
Standing underneath the stars,
And i wish you were here.
I miss the years that were erased,
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face,
I miss all the little things,
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me,
Yeah i miss you,
And i wish you, were here.
I feel the beating of your heart,
I see the shadows of your face,
Just know that wherever you are,
Yeah i miss you,
And i wish you, were here .
I miss the years that were erased,
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face,
I miss all the little things,
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me,
Yeah i miss you,
And i wish you were here.'
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx
Thursday, 4 June 2009
I'm Done
School= The past !!!!
Yes, i've left school, took a good few years, but that's me all done. It's great, had my last exam yesterday and now i'm away. Happy days !
So now, (presuming that i get into Uni) i have about 4 months off, the longest time without education EVER ! Good thing yes ? I'm pretty excited, must be said. I'll get a job likes, but still, i can sorta just do as i wish for a long time now, and sure as shit i WILL make it count :D
So what's in store for now then ? Well things are sorta in the air just now on a few fronts, i'm away to Florida next week though which will be nice. When i get back, hopefully things will settle down and i can get a view of the lay of the land. That's the ideal anyway, if i'm going to have an enjoyable 4 months, i'll really need to have all this sort itself out ! Get a good view of the lay of the land.
Sooo, I had a haircut today btw ! Looks nice, i look pretty ! Haha
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx
Yes, i've left school, took a good few years, but that's me all done. It's great, had my last exam yesterday and now i'm away. Happy days !
So now, (presuming that i get into Uni) i have about 4 months off, the longest time without education EVER ! Good thing yes ? I'm pretty excited, must be said. I'll get a job likes, but still, i can sorta just do as i wish for a long time now, and sure as shit i WILL make it count :D
So what's in store for now then ? Well things are sorta in the air just now on a few fronts, i'm away to Florida next week though which will be nice. When i get back, hopefully things will settle down and i can get a view of the lay of the land. That's the ideal anyway, if i'm going to have an enjoyable 4 months, i'll really need to have all this sort itself out ! Get a good view of the lay of the land.
Sooo, I had a haircut today btw ! Looks nice, i look pretty ! Haha
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx
I'm Done
School= The past !!!!
Yes, i've left school, took a good few years, but that's me all done. It's great, had my last exam yesterday and now i'm away. Happy days !
So now, (presuming that i get into Uni) i have about 4 months off, the longest time without education EVER ! Good thing yes ? I'm pretty excited, must be said. I'll get a job likes, but still, i can sorta just do as i wish for a long time now, and sure as shit i WILL make it count :D
So what's in store for now then ? Well things are sorta in the air just now on a few fronts, i'm away to Florida next week though which will be nice. When i get back, hopefully things will settle down and i can get a view of the lay of the land. That's the ideal anyway, if i'm going to have an enjoyable 4 months, i'll really need to have all this sort itself out ! Get a good view of the lay of the land.
Sooo, I had a haircut today btw ! Looks nice, i look pretty ! Haha
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx
Yes, i've left school, took a good few years, but that's me all done. It's great, had my last exam yesterday and now i'm away. Happy days !
So now, (presuming that i get into Uni) i have about 4 months off, the longest time without education EVER ! Good thing yes ? I'm pretty excited, must be said. I'll get a job likes, but still, i can sorta just do as i wish for a long time now, and sure as shit i WILL make it count :D
So what's in store for now then ? Well things are sorta in the air just now on a few fronts, i'm away to Florida next week though which will be nice. When i get back, hopefully things will settle down and i can get a view of the lay of the land. That's the ideal anyway, if i'm going to have an enjoyable 4 months, i'll really need to have all this sort itself out ! Get a good view of the lay of the land.
Sooo, I had a haircut today btw ! Looks nice, i look pretty ! Haha
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx
Monday, 1 June 2009
Ignorance is bliss
Okay, here's the deal: Tomorrow I have my rmps exam, 1 till 4, so far they have went fine (only been two mind) but with this I'm less confident. Infact I'm pretty much shitting myself over this ! I don't get it, exams are usually the one part of things I don't get stressed out about. I think it's cause of the pressure of leavin school that one year early, I don't get the 6th year safety net like all the other goons kicking about ! I really hope to Christ that I do well though, or I'm pretty much fucked, right up shit creek, nae paddle either !
I could have studied more tonight, but that idea freaked me out, what if I came upon something I don't know ? Too late to learn new things now so i'll just leave it. Not knowing now will make me less worried ! That's sucha stupid tactic yes, but I'm running with it ! Don't deter me all you naysayers ! Ooh fucking hell, I'm royally screwed ......
And I'm all friken sunburt ! I swear I'll get next to no sleep again tonight, I am used to that mind, but it's not a good move ahead of a 3 hour exam. Can't be healthy.
Ooh well, I just wrote a song, trying to be creative and ease the tension haha, songs ok, might record later. Still stressed though.
=Fail
I'll be talkin to ya xx
I could have studied more tonight, but that idea freaked me out, what if I came upon something I don't know ? Too late to learn new things now so i'll just leave it. Not knowing now will make me less worried ! That's sucha stupid tactic yes, but I'm running with it ! Don't deter me all you naysayers ! Ooh fucking hell, I'm royally screwed ......
And I'm all friken sunburt ! I swear I'll get next to no sleep again tonight, I am used to that mind, but it's not a good move ahead of a 3 hour exam. Can't be healthy.
Ooh well, I just wrote a song, trying to be creative and ease the tension haha, songs ok, might record later. Still stressed though.
=Fail
I'll be talkin to ya xx
Ignorance is bliss
Okay, here's the deal: Tomorrow I have my rmps exam, 1 till 4, so far they have went fine (only been two mind) but with this I'm less confident. Infact I'm pretty much shitting myself over this ! I don't get it, exams are usually the one part of things I don't get stressed out about. I think it's cause of the pressure of leavin school that one year early, I don't get the 6th year safety net like all the other goons kicking about ! I really hope to Christ that I do well though, or I'm pretty much fucked, right up shit creek, nae paddle either !
I could have studied more tonight, but that idea freaked me out, what if I came upon something I don't know ? Too late to learn new things now so i'll just leave it. Not knowing now will make me less worried ! That's sucha stupid tactic yes, but I'm running with it ! Don't deter me all you naysayers ! Ooh fucking hell, I'm royally screwed ......
And I'm all friken sunburt ! I swear I'll get next to no sleep again tonight, I am used to that mind, but it's not a good move ahead of a 3 hour exam. Can't be healthy.
Ooh well, I just wrote a song, trying to be creative and ease the tension haha, songs ok, might record later. Still stressed though.
=Fail
I'll be talkin to ya xx
I could have studied more tonight, but that idea freaked me out, what if I came upon something I don't know ? Too late to learn new things now so i'll just leave it. Not knowing now will make me less worried ! That's sucha stupid tactic yes, but I'm running with it ! Don't deter me all you naysayers ! Ooh fucking hell, I'm royally screwed ......
And I'm all friken sunburt ! I swear I'll get next to no sleep again tonight, I am used to that mind, but it's not a good move ahead of a 3 hour exam. Can't be healthy.
Ooh well, I just wrote a song, trying to be creative and ease the tension haha, songs ok, might record later. Still stressed though.
=Fail
I'll be talkin to ya xx
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