Dissapointed

Once again, i'm sitting on my own, let down. In this case though it's not a big deal, just something i was looking forward to. It's funny, i actually don't like looking forward to things, the feeling of excitement is always overcome by the knowledge that the liklihood is that it won't happen.

Oooh well, The truth is, maybe your scared, maybe you're sitting worried that i'll turn out like everyother guy out there and in the end just let you down, but not gently, no.. let u down and tear you up at th esame time. Well no ! People have done it to me before and i'd not put anyone through it, however i'll go through it again and again and again, because i can't help myself.

I can tell it's difficulult with you, but i pretend to not be bothered by it, i take the silences and days without taling and just press on, but to me that isn' how it's done. I barely know you, but i want to spend every minute i can with you, you are one of the people who have the calming effect on me, i can list every person who has had this power, one girl and one guy (you know who you are), the only people i ever feel really get me. You though, have a chance, we are so similar, i just don't think you know it yet, and hopefully you will before it's too late.

I hate myself when i get like this, paranoid, self destructing steve. I manage to keep him hidden away for soo long but he always appears again, even though right now nothing is actually wrong, everything is going kinda well, on the surface anyway, i still have a few doubts. But you asked for trust, and i'll give it to you !

I guess it's all to do with me really. I work in two extremes, i either don't trut a person at all and force them away from me, or i go the other way and throw myself head first into everything they say, everyminute they breathe, and when it ends i'm fucked. It's complicated, i wish i could understand it but i won't ever ! To make matters worse i always seem to pick the wrong option for the wrong people, and in my most receent case i'm not decided. The issue is, she's fun, pretty crazy and just brilliant to be honoust, but with her own issues, so just like me really ! However, i don't smoke, havn't touched drugs in the longest time and drink pretty rarely. Yay for me you might say, but i disagree, the straight-edge live i've been kidding myself on with recently is quickly running out of energy. I'm bored living like this. The problem though with the girl lies in that i think deep down she wants somebody to just take her and look after her, whther she'll admit ot or not ! And whilst i can be that peron, i don't know if i want to be. Why shouldn't for once i be the one needing some help, i always seem to be the one giving it out !

Time will tell however, i really can't see what's going to happen here, i do promise that i'll try my very hardest, i just don't know quite what tactic to play, and when people say.. ' just be yourself' it doesn't help ! how can it ? When i don't know who 'myself' truely is....

I think the best chance is for a long walk, maybe a nightime walk actually, and just talk, find out about each other, what we're both actually wanting. I know what i want from all this, it's the same as i always do, but i can't talk for her. It's funny everytime i say i'll not let it get to me this time and i'll be cool with it all, but the fact is, i fall every single time, it doesn't take much, just the right type of person ! And away i go, hoplessly searching. It's pretty much a never ending cycle, and one which i can't win really, not now anyway. Surely i shouldn't be wanting to find 'it' at 15/16/17 ??? I have before though and i will again, even if i have to fight for it !

.... The simple truth, here it is... I'm addicted to love.

I'll be talkin to ya xxx