A kind of illusion

I was having a long, hard think about everything earlier on. About how my life is shaping and basicly how on the surface everything is fine and going well, but underneath I'm really needing to make some choices. It's difficult to put it down, but that won't stop me from trying. It's like I have created this little sphere of life for myself, when I'm in there it's grand. Everything is great and life is fun, but it isn't real. Well it is, it happens, but it's forced, it's the way I can deal with things without having to face up to my choices and decisions. The truth is though I would much rather just break down all that bullshit and try and grow the fuck up and face up to everything, instead of pretending that I love this 'no ties, no responsibility' way of living I've built up. Truth is it doesn't work for me, I cannot just waltse through life pretending I don't care and acting all nonchelant. Truth is I do care, alot, but I'm scared, petrified of 'rocking the boat' so to speak.

It's no secret that (despite the act I put on) I do develop emotions for people, places etc, very easily. Dangerously so infact, to the extent that even if I don't want to, I'm always certain to become dependent and emotionally involved, especially with people. Trouble is, I can't bring myself to act on these feelings, I'm too scared of being hurt, again, and I'm all too aware that no matter what I do or how hard I try, any sort of relationship will come to an end, I'll fuck it up somehow. The only way to avoid this is to stay well fucking clear of any sort of 'traditional' relationship protocal, but as I'm all to aware I can't deal with that.

When it comes down to it, even though I will always claim the opposite, what I really want isn't complicated. I just want to feel wanted, I crave that sense of involvment and importance that comes with being 'that someone special'. But I can't bring myself to do it, I can't even remember now how that would be possible, to allow somebody so close, so personal. I would love to make it happen, but I just can't.

Y'see quite simply I'm petrified. Completely frightened by the idea of even bringing that coversation up, what if it ruins everything ? What if I'm laughed at, turned away. I'm a complete bombscare, unpredictable, rash, sometimes cruel and manipulative. Nobody would ever want to, or even deserve to be so unfortunate as to be with me. However, despite all of that, I still think that given the opportunity, I could still be the best boyfriend in the world, although it may contradict what I said just previous. I'm done it before and I can do it again, I may have changed substantially in the last two years, but that same person is still there, I can be a nice guy, if given the opportunity, and the will to do so.

The last year I have not been a nice guy, I can't argue with that. Infact only now am I realising that maybe I have to change my outlook. The truth is, I have treated my life as a game, I've allowed the risks to be high, and accepted everything that's went with it. I havn't been happy with it though. Treating my life as an unimportant peice of shit is one thing, but I've roped others in, nice people who don't deserve it. I have hurt people, made them cry, ruined nights for others, made a general mess, I couldn't help it, but maybe I should try too, cut out all this bullshit. I have to start remembering that to others maybe all of this isn't a game, maybe it is there real feelings that I'm hurting, maybe they don't suppress everything like me and therefore I'm hurting them with my actions. I really don't want to hurt anybody, especially the peope that i really do care for. I just wish I could say it, to tell them, not in a bullshitty way, but with sincerity, because I do mean it. I just want everything to be perfect, and I know that's impossible.

I made a decision last month, a choice, which unexpectedly caused alot of trouble, to me it was just another option to take, and it was worth it, I stand by it, I have too. If I denied that I enjoyed every minute I'd be lying. But I think that whatever that was is now finished, I could be wrong, but with great sadness I think I'll just have to accept that that is a brief moment in my life, which like so many others, passed to quickly, but was good for what it was. But I need to ask myself whether, If I just stepped out this comfort zone of mine, and made the effort, would it change things. The signs, hints, looks, suggestion has all Bern present, but like so many times previous, I can't afford to take that plunge. I stand to lose to much. And whilst my current situation isn't ideal, I couldn't deal with losing it all, again.

I just feel that if I actually do like somebody, and there are a few that I think I do just now, trying to make something happen will just result in bad shit happening, I never get the breaks, I never have good luck. And seriously, why can't I for once pick some nice, simple, ordinary girl. Anybody that I cross paths with seem to be a constant challenge, never like the simple relationships I see others having. It never seems to be black and White with me, there is always uncertainties, the grey area. I have no idea.

Cards on the table, I've acted immature, like a total dick, and without thought or care for others, despite my admiration and love for them. Maybe, just maybe it's time to try and unravel the illusion, and just be 'me' again, whatever that means,

I'm just so fucking scared, I can't deal with all of this anymore, it's just to much, I really am sorry, I promise I will make it up to everybody soon, I'll do good. Serious.

I'll be talkin to ya xXx