The last few days have sorta proved something to me, one of those things that you don't want to believe but when it's finally accepted it just seem so fucking clear and obvious that you just wish you noticed/realised soo much earlier. Tonight it's sink in and i'm glad kinda.
So what is this big, major revalation then ? Well it's really just the fact that i've noticed just how few people i really have around me that i trust and care for. It's worrying really, not many is the answer. One of whom i barely ever see, and who has their own life to live which jumps from continent to continent fairly regularly. I Like to think that theirs this powerful unspoken everlasting bond between us, but i'm not even sure that one truely exists or whether it's just me being overly hopeful and sentimental. Fuck knows, i shouldn't let it play on me so much.
But have you ever felt like you might have wasted a good few months of your life, chasing something that in the end just never happened. For reasons that you can't really fathom. Well if so, i know the feeling ! It's strange i never knew what i wanted from it all, and to an extent i suppose i might have gotten something back from in, but the emotional investment i created through april/may is now kicking me in the ass because i can't just drop it, but i'm watching it just run away. This one i suppose is potentially the result of my own lack of activity in one very specific area, but it's complicated in that respect, cause i was never sure of what i wanted until it was gone. I hate myself y'know that !
Soo to continue, i've went from this time last year from having loads of close friends, a girlfriend who i loved to bits and loads of others just sorta there and about, to this year havin less friends then ever before (although the once i have are the best), a pretty much burned out lovelife due to being ever so slightly silly and to the point just really fucking unhappy about the way things are going. This was not how it was supposed to happen. My plans have all went BOOM ! Adnd i can't handle being this in the lurch, with practically no control over what's happening around me. My influence has diminished to the stage were nobody really listened to word i say. I really m feeling, without sounding pathetic, lonely. It's a feeling that i've not experinced to this extent for a very, very long time. Shit.
I'm desperate to just get out, in the dark, find somewere quiet, and really think, work out a responce to all this, plan out a direction kinda. Just sit under the moon and the stars, and understand how unimportant and irrelevant i really am... And why that makes it all the more important that i have it how i want, or at least fight for the opportunity to achieve that.
Oh, and the reason it struck me tonight, and why it's made such an effect on me ?
Happy Birthday Steve :)
Their are still a few who care....
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx
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