Footprints in the Snow

Hi. So after 8 month of casual togetherness, and 5 months of a proper relationship. It's finished. Me and the younger Reini broke up on Sunday night. And frankly. I'm very upset.

Straight away i need to say that it wasn't a bitter event, their wasn't a falling out, or any sort of arguments or dissagreements. It just sorta happened. I'll try to summarise the very complicated set of events that brought it to an end as quickly as possible. On Thursday i arrived at her flat all ready to go to a party that night, only to be greeted with an upset girlfriend who was having a crisis of confidence. She was scared about the future and all the 'what if's' Of course i calmed her down and decided that i should probably stay with her that night as opposed to heading out. She fell asllep on me around 9ish and slept straight through till 11 the next day. Despite things seeemingly being ok, i knew that it had just been glossed over. Friday we had an awesome day, pretty much summing up what makes us work so well, not just as a couple but as friends. Sadly it would be our last day together as a couple. I didn't stay that night, i don't really know why, but around midnight when i was traveling back home, i knew deep down that it would most likely be a long time before i was doing that journey again. And i was right. On Sunday night after my pub quiz i went round to meet her. What ensued was a half hour conversation which the end result was a break up. Now i'm not gonna lie. It was difficult one of the hardest talks i've ever had actually. And it took every little bit of strenth i had to not cry. She didn't quite have this strenth, and she broke down in tears. One of the toughest, hardest, most emotionally in control people i know, yet she was in pieces. When it came time to leave, i struggled. It took two attempts to finally get out of the flat and into the cold streets. And without a backwards glance i walked off. Knowing that it would probably never quite be the same again.

From the start of middle of November i began to develop feeling for this girl, and she started to become a major part of my life, and throughout the entire winter period this connection grew, and grew, and grew. In what was the coldest and harshest winter i've probably ever experienced, her presence was a highlight. And it's funny despite the fact that the majority of our time as a couple (March till August) was played out against a sunny backdrop, the resounding sound in my mind when i think of her is the noise o snow under our feet, and i associate her with falling snow. Strange i know. In decembe rwe started sleeping with each other. It was very casual but like everything regarding us it was bound to grow into something alot more encompasing and powerful. From Christmas day onwards to be honest, it was written that we would have some sort of story to tell. That entire period was awesome. Memories of her walking out of the cinema and catching snow flakes in her mouth, or us getting out of a taxi at 1am at my house and almost falling over getting to the door over the ice. Or even Walking back to hers at 6am after a hogmany party that proved very dramatic, and holding on to each other for fear of falling in the snow. Good times indeed. But i suppose that was just a pre-curser to what would follow, and although these months shaped and in my opinion defined our time together, the real stuff was still waiting.

In March, at a birthday party, after much thought and deliberation we finally started to be a couple, it made some sense. Yet was also a complete risk. What if things went wrong and we lost our relationship and our friendship ? Well that question is what eventually did bring us apart, the fear of never being able to hang out or just be friends again. But at the time we chose to go ahead with it, and what happened was 5 of the best months of my life. We spoke on an almost daily basis and hung out as often as possible, far too much happened during that period to ever detail here, but all i can say is that it was magical. Despite what we expected it went on almost without a hitch. And we drew closer and closer almost every day we spent together. She told me she loved me in April and i was shocked. But i said it back, and i meant it, and my feelings were proven right over the coming months, were it dawned on me that she was just about the most Fricken Awesome person i'd ever met. Not only did i love going out with her and actually 'doing stuff' but the down times were soo good too. The days when we would do literally nothing, just sit about and talk, hold hands and talk complete rubbish but find it all insanely funny. I'd listen to her stupid comments and we'd laugh, forming little 'in' jokes as we moved on. Just entirely comfertable with each other. Or whne the elder Reini and her boyfriend were present, the strange little family we had created. But sadly, this closeness and family feel is probably all in the past now, no matter what happens i can't see it being re-created.

This is all harder to write then i thought it would be.

All i suppose that is left to say is that i hope after this month of away time we're taking, we can return to each others lifes and once again be friends. Or as we stated numerous times BEST frineds. And i do want that, of course the geer shift is going to be hard, the change in stauts is just something i'll have to deal with. I always thought that this break-up would be easier, but i was totally wrong. If anything it's harder. For the first time you were a girlfriend who was all over my life. Who was a vital part in my day to day. And it is soo fucking hard to watch you slip away. To know that in the month we're trying to not speech, you are trying to lose the feeling you had towards me, and the feelings that we shared. It's killing me, but i do understand, but that doesn't mean i can't be sad about it. I'm not going to lie, i think it's a waste, of all the time we spent together to let those feelings leak out and die. But your right, it might be the only way to be able to remain friends, and who knows what the future has in store. But right now, i just have to get used to not having you text me everyday, to not hearing your voice on the phone in the morning when i wake you up for work. For not having the excitement of the walk up gorgie road to Robertson avenue. To just not having you. For not being able to love you. Even though that is all i can do. I just have to move on. And try not to let a part of me die, again. Even though i fear that it already has.

So no matter what the future has in store, or whatever might happen. You will always be special, and maybe my best friend. 'Cause you are totally Fricken Awesome. Regardless of how you choose to move on. And i'll never forget the feelings i felt, and the days we spent together, in the winter or the summer. And whenever next the snow falls, no matter were you are in my life, or who ever else has joined it. I'll always love you. And it'll always be your footprints i see in the snow. Always....

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx