I never noticed the date. All day i knew that their was something important about it, but i couldn't work it out. Now it's hit me ! It's the 24th of September !!!!! Yah, that date won't mean anything to anybody except me. Cause i've never spoken about it..... Untill now.
What had happened was (as previously mentioned) this time last year i had just gone through a pretty fucked up, upsetting situation. I couldn't sleep, not well anyway, and was just starting to use medication to help. Stil occasionally do, but i really am feeling alot better ! Anyway, i'm not quite sure what happened, it's kinda a blur and it has been a year so i wouldn't expect to remeber it exactly, but i done something stupid, and it could have fucked things up seriously badly !
I don' think it was delibarate, i hope not.... But it wouldn't surprise me, if a part of me had told myself to do it, as i said, i wasn't in a good place ! Please bare in mind that i had just literary had everything i had worked on for 6 months torn away ! I'd been left completely stranded, with all my hopefull plans for the future broken. So i took too much, collapsed. Then i lost consciousness. It was not a nice night. I kept waking up, but couldn't move... I was in agony, but i couldn't make a sound, i wanted to scream so badly but everytime i opened my mouth nothing came out. For the one and only time in my life i was really scared, i din't know what was happening, i couldn't think straight ! I suppose i thought i would die. That part didn't scare me, it never has. But i was scared of how others would react, it would have been a pretty damm shit way to go anyway. I deserve a far better death then that !
However, after what must have been 4 maybe 5 hours, i relaxed, i fell asleep, and crawled into bed. When i got up the next day my house was empty ( I was given that week of school) and i walked the dog and pretty much hated myself. I still don't know whether it really was an accident or not, but i still don't trust myself. I know what i'm capable of, and why i have to avoid any chance i can get to self destruct. I'm the most dangerous thing in the world to me ! That's an oddly comforting thing actually !
Well anyway, i needed to get that of my chest, Be safe, Be lawful, love all.
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx
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Wow, that's a really huge secret to have built up inside. Thank god you're okay. I'm not quite sure what to say, except that telling someone you're close to might help even more if it's still bothering you a lot.
ReplyDeleteKeeping something like that bottled up, and hidden from family and friends can be very dangerous. Blogging about it helps, but not nearly as much as really letting it out to a friend.