Today is the 20th of September 2009. One year ago today was possibly the worst day of my life. On the 20th of September 2008, I broke. Part of me died. A part of me that will never be brought back. Any suggestion of ideals and a truely happy existance were forever washed away.
From that day untill very recently, I was existing in a state of numbness. Living outwith myself. I could'nt see nor find any beauty or love. I was really, badly depressed, unable to exist without thoughts of sadness and her. Looking back on the worst of it, the period between this date and the end of Febuary. The real bad times as they are, they seem to me to be a blur. They melt into each other, each and every day, like a slow dissolving path into hell. And truthfully that does describe how I felt. I went as far as staring death in the faces. I looked into the eyes of a killer, but I escaped. I pulled through.
I covered it up of course, to an observer it would seem that life went on, with just a twinge of sadness. The truth of course, is much differant. I acted the part, with few drops of character. I have to however thank the person who was there to save me on the few occasions were I couldn't hide myself any longer. I had a few moments were I entirely broke down, and I have to thank my dad, who really did rescue me. Stopped me from doing anything too drastic and frankly answered my screams for help. Thank you so much. I wouldn't be lying if I said that if it wasn't for him, this blog would not be being written.
As previously stated I'm over the worst of it, I found ways to deal with the pain. Some immoral, some dangerous and some which are just plain stupid, but in the end it has helped. Of course Im not over it all. Never will be. I think about her everyday, and whilst it does make me happy to talk with her, especially now that our bond has re-kindled (all be it in a purely friendly way) it does make things easier. That's not to say I don't look back and feel the crushing pain that comes with knowing that the best, most amazing period of your life has came and went. I do fucking love you though.
Contrast last year to this year. On the weekend that marked the end last year, she was a permanet fixture almost. All of Friday night and much of today was spent in her company. As it should be, me, her and the opportunity to do just what ever we want. Of course it wasn't just us all the time, other people are around, revolving faces. But I don't mind, I know I'm a priority, just is she to me.
There is alot more to say, and it will be.... But not just now. I suppose I should just enjoy the fact that i had a nice weekend, whichi did. Thank you. It's a hard day, not a happy moment in the past, but atleast things have improved. And who knows what the future has in store...
Looking at the past is both full of enjoyment and sadness, to live is to feel. And feelings stay forever.
I'll be talkin to ya xxx
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