Confessions of a borderline insomniac

It's like stupid O'clock and i can't fucking sleep ! Maybe writin some shit down will help. You never know i suppose. I'd straight blog it, but i can't be arsed wanderin over and kicking up the computer. So i'll just write it here, in my trusty Ipod notes section, will probably post it up later on the blog. I'm enjoyin the dark and quiet anyway, why ruin it with a noisy bloody computer ?

Well frankly i feel like i've hit rock bottom, a new low actually. All my options look exhausted and i've no clue which way to turn. I've barely got anyone i can trust and it sucks ! I say barely cause there are still a few, most notably Dave. Take a bow mate, i know that you won't change or bullshit me. You're really the only person i trust enough to give any idea of what's really goin on in my head and ho the real 'me' is. I'm difficult i know that, but i try my best to not be a dick around you ! True i probably only give up about 5% of what's really goin on, but that's 4% more then anyone else gets from me. It's strange like, cause sometimes without meaning it, i do just open up and out comes loads of stuff i'd really rather i didn't say, but at least i know you won't judge me or hate me for it. To be honoust i wish i could tell you everything, hell, i wish i could tell anybody ! But i can't, i'm just scared of leaving myself open like that. Last night for example me and Dave had a nice wee walk, and i was all set to show him some of the places were i like to go, my little 'reflective' areas you could say. But i couldn't, not yet, some stuff is just best being kept private, it's still raw and maybe sharing it would cheapen the effect it has on me ?

I know this probably makes no sense to anybody......

Thing is like, the last year, their is soo much stuff i've done which i should regret, i've been hurt countless times, hurt others, made countless mistakes, lost friends, made friends with the wrong people and generally just acted carelessly, without giving a fuck. But i wouldn't change a thing ! It's making 'me' into 'me', if you get what i mean ? Even the last month, so mcuh happened, and i was sky high for awhile, the best i'd felt in ages, then after what ? 10 days or something, i was on my arse again ! But that's just the way the world goes 'round. I'll learn from it, i'd much rather be regretting what i did do then what i didn't do. And in that respect i have very little regrets....

I Should be happy ! I can't though, theirs still so much shit goin on, well i see it that way anyway. What bothers me the most, is the way that you just don't care ! But i can't help that. You have you're own little journey to make. Maybe we'll meet at the end ? Just get my dvd back though eh ?

God i wish i could sleep, this isn't nice, feels like i'm back to being friends with Mr. Insomnia again.... Fabbie ! Well, at least i'm warm.....

Sweet dreams people.

I'll be talkin to yaa xxx