As The Wind Blows

I love walking in the dark, with the wind blowing around you. Ever notice how the trees always seem to be going at differant directions, depending on your perspective. Tonight they were blowing down, they looked sad, defeated. Sorta tragic really, considering that once upon a time they were standing proud, looking amazing and were untouchable, well.. kinda !

Expectation is the weakness here, when you expect you can be left disapointed, you'd have thought people would have learnt that over te last few thousand years, but no, we all keep doing it, curcumstances are never as cut and dried as they seem, or at least as we would like them to be.

I love that sound... Like the sound of wind blowing through bushes and leaves, rustling them above and beside you, whilst your feet hit the hard road, walking, alone and in silence, no cars or traffic to take you out your head, this is were the magic happens, things make sense, when you can only hear yourself in your head....It actually feels like i'm in a John Carpenter movie, i secretly wish to be greeted by a knife wielding, masked killer around a corner purely for some excited. I'd actuakky love to live a real life horror movies, ghost, something like that !

Do you ever just wish you were somebody else entirely ? Just morph into another human. It's strange. I look at myself, and i barely recognise it all. I'm not what or who i was previously, it's like i've been diluted, watered down. Sanatised even ! It's horrible. I find myself clinging to what i was like, forcing it, but it's not the same. Recently i've noticed signs of things returning to how they were, i've been improving, regaining my abilities, but it's a slow process, and i'm being stunted. Their really isn't anything to do. I cant cause trouble, when i have to create the situation in the first place. It's just so boring. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I might actually be mentally ill, i have never been able to accept a situation, it's always stringing events together by merely just existing, but invoking trouble, untill i get what i want, what i need. But what i really want doesnt exist anymore. Sure we might pass each by every so often, like boats in the night. And yeah we might have docked together for a while, but it was never going to be forever, i didn't want it to be, of course i still don't, but it is exactly what i need now. To save me from this shit ! This mundane, poison ridden, risk free, pathetic existance. That's harsh i know, but i generally feel sufficated sometimes. Not by people, just by everything in life, it's not fair. Were did it all go ? WERE THE FUCK IS IT ???

Help me....

Please....

I now want to sing karaoke ! Weird.

I need a mission statement, a proper plan, a good one. It's not that easy of course, but i know that all i need is one thing, one event, to set of a chain, a domino effect so to speak. It's bound to happen ! I've been good, i've bided my time, but now i'm needing mmy luck to change. It's almost like a tiger or something, being shaved and flung into a zoo, with no possible escape. I feel sorry for that poor bastard, atleast i've got a chance. But looking back on this blog of late, it's been moan, moan, moan ! Like a broken fucking records. It's time to be pro-active kids ! I just need to make shit stuff happen ! It's all do-able. It's been done before. I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself, feeling hard done by.

The past is set in stone, of course, it can't be changed. But the future is unwritten, that's my ace card, the fact that i'm working on a blank canvas. People still aren't keen to get to close to me, and i like that, they are still wary, despite my relative good behaviour and lack of drive recently. Folks know the potential is there, for me to fly of the side of the mountain and just fall all the fucking way down, laughing as i drop and pulling in anybody who is near down with me. Some of you are safe, but the rest of the world is fair game, be prepared. You've all been warned, back off now... Or enjoy the fall.

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx