Life like Drowning

It's a constant source of amazement to me how simply it happens that I cause myself shit loads of trouble. It's like, when things seem to be pretty good or going well, in my head I create all sorts of problems or issues. Even when I am happy I create sadness all around me. Like at the moment I seriously don't have anything occuring that should be upsetting me, I've got decisions to make and all that, but in general it's all good. I should be all cheery, excited and all that stuff. But I'm not. Well, occasionally I am yeah, but most of the time I'm just not.

Like at this time i'm in a rather decent situation. One that I would have been completely delighted to be in if asked. But, for whatever reason, I'm picking holes in the fairytale, shooting bullets straight through the good shit. In my head it's just not real, I'm almost not accepting it. Of course it's just me being paranoid. This is of course perfectly explainable, my trust has never been well repayed exactly, even after a long, long, time. The way I see things is that after something good happens, the time spent waiting for the next events just sucks. Even worse when there isn't really anything planned out. When I'm on my own, with nobody around, sitting in my room... I'm self destructive, it really does feel like I'm drowning. Sinking Under the weight of all my own self-created bullshit.

Now, I've gotta admit, after all sorts of stops and starts, fuck-up's and near misses, I've finally managed to have what could be described as a fun, emotional and most importantly real relationship. Obviously it's not conventional, theirs no labels or tags. I'm nobodys boyfriend atm, and I'm pretty much cool with all that. Except though, this way of doing stuff (all be it at my own suggestion) means that I constantly question. Aside from the obvious query of whether this is even the person I want to be with just now, I also constantly wonder why me ? Like what have I got that seems to fool people into thinking I'm attractive ? I don't get it, I'm just trouble, i'm not that nice a person, I can't pretend that I'm always the good guy. Also I can't help but always wonder when it'll just peter out. I've learned that all good things finish, so when will this. Next week will test this theory out. I'm watching with interest.

It's simple really, deep down like. I just wanna be able to relax and be totally pleased in my surroundings and circumstance. It's gone on far too long now. The constant urge to change things, to test the limits and boundaries. To ask so many fucking questions that eventually I'll get one answer I don't want to hear. Not actual questions of course, more like pushing others with my actions just to see how much they'll withstand, how strong there affection is. Eventually I'll get one answer I don't want to hear. No matter how small or trivial the act and BANG ! Killed it. Basicly everything good that happens to me is already set to end. My own stupidness and self hating costs me everything I want. I am such a fucking mess. I watch myself make everything fucked up and toxic. I cannot trust myself to just accept happiness. It's like happiness is something that needs to be created, the blown-up. Go me.

I actually don't even know what in trying to communicate with this, i'm more or less just rambling. I guess I'm just destined to be an awkward bastard forever. I should just give up. Is there really much point to drowning through life ? Maybe the brief moments with those who matter make it worth while. I'll see.

I'll be talkin to ya xx