As The Wind Blows

I love walking in the dark, with the wind blowing around you. Ever notice how the trees always seem to be going at differant directions, depending on your perspective. Tonight they were blowing down, they looked sad, defeated. Sorta tragic really, considering that once upon a time they were standing proud, looking amazing and were untouchable, well.. kinda !

Expectation is the weakness here, when you expect you can be left disapointed, you'd have thought people would have learnt that over te last few thousand years, but no, we all keep doing it, curcumstances are never as cut and dried as they seem, or at least as we would like them to be.

I love that sound... Like the sound of wind blowing through bushes and leaves, rustling them above and beside you, whilst your feet hit the hard road, walking, alone and in silence, no cars or traffic to take you out your head, this is were the magic happens, things make sense, when you can only hear yourself in your head....It actually feels like i'm in a John Carpenter movie, i secretly wish to be greeted by a knife wielding, masked killer around a corner purely for some excited. I'd actuakky love to live a real life horror movies, ghost, something like that !

Do you ever just wish you were somebody else entirely ? Just morph into another human. It's strange. I look at myself, and i barely recognise it all. I'm not what or who i was previously, it's like i've been diluted, watered down. Sanatised even ! It's horrible. I find myself clinging to what i was like, forcing it, but it's not the same. Recently i've noticed signs of things returning to how they were, i've been improving, regaining my abilities, but it's a slow process, and i'm being stunted. Their really isn't anything to do. I cant cause trouble, when i have to create the situation in the first place. It's just so boring. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I might actually be mentally ill, i have never been able to accept a situation, it's always stringing events together by merely just existing, but invoking trouble, untill i get what i want, what i need. But what i really want doesnt exist anymore. Sure we might pass each by every so often, like boats in the night. And yeah we might have docked together for a while, but it was never going to be forever, i didn't want it to be, of course i still don't, but it is exactly what i need now. To save me from this shit ! This mundane, poison ridden, risk free, pathetic existance. That's harsh i know, but i generally feel sufficated sometimes. Not by people, just by everything in life, it's not fair. Were did it all go ? WERE THE FUCK IS IT ???

Help me....

Please....

I now want to sing karaoke ! Weird.

I need a mission statement, a proper plan, a good one. It's not that easy of course, but i know that all i need is one thing, one event, to set of a chain, a domino effect so to speak. It's bound to happen ! I've been good, i've bided my time, but now i'm needing mmy luck to change. It's almost like a tiger or something, being shaved and flung into a zoo, with no possible escape. I feel sorry for that poor bastard, atleast i've got a chance. But looking back on this blog of late, it's been moan, moan, moan ! Like a broken fucking records. It's time to be pro-active kids ! I just need to make shit stuff happen ! It's all do-able. It's been done before. I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself, feeling hard done by.

The past is set in stone, of course, it can't be changed. But the future is unwritten, that's my ace card, the fact that i'm working on a blank canvas. People still aren't keen to get to close to me, and i like that, they are still wary, despite my relative good behaviour and lack of drive recently. Folks know the potential is there, for me to fly of the side of the mountain and just fall all the fucking way down, laughing as i drop and pulling in anybody who is near down with me. Some of you are safe, but the rest of the world is fair game, be prepared. You've all been warned, back off now... Or enjoy the fall.

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

As The Wind Blows

I love walking in the dark, with the wind blowing around you. Ever notice how the trees always seem to be going at differant directions, depending on your perspective. Tonight they were blowing down, they looked sad, defeated. Sorta tragic really, considering that once upon a time they were standing proud, looking amazing and were untouchable, well.. kinda !

Expectation is the weakness here, when you expect you can be left disapointed, you'd have thought people would have learnt that over te last few thousand years, but no, we all keep doing it, curcumstances are never as cut and dried as they seem, or at least as we would like them to be.

I love that sound... Like the sound of wind blowing through bushes and leaves, rustling them above and beside you, whilst your feet hit the hard road, walking, alone and in silence, no cars or traffic to take you out your head, this is were the magic happens, things make sense, when you can only hear yourself in your head....It actually feels like i'm in a John Carpenter movie, i secretly wish to be greeted by a knife wielding, masked killer around a corner purely for some excited. I'd actuakky love to live a real life horror movies, ghost, something like that !

Do you ever just wish you were somebody else entirely ? Just morph into another human. It's strange. I look at myself, and i barely recognise it all. I'm not what or who i was previously, it's like i've been diluted, watered down. Sanatised even ! It's horrible. I find myself clinging to what i was like, forcing it, but it's not the same. Recently i've noticed signs of things returning to how they were, i've been improving, regaining my abilities, but it's a slow process, and i'm being stunted. Their really isn't anything to do. I cant cause trouble, when i have to create the situation in the first place. It's just so boring. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I might actually be mentally ill, i have never been able to accept a situation, it's always stringing events together by merely just existing, but invoking trouble, untill i get what i want, what i need. But what i really want doesnt exist anymore. Sure we might pass each by every so often, like boats in the night. And yeah we might have docked together for a while, but it was never going to be forever, i didn't want it to be, of course i still don't, but it is exactly what i need now. To save me from this shit ! This mundane, poison ridden, risk free, pathetic existance. That's harsh i know, but i generally feel sufficated sometimes. Not by people, just by everything in life, it's not fair. Were did it all go ? WERE THE FUCK IS IT ???

Help me....

Please....

I now want to sing karaoke ! Weird.

I need a mission statement, a proper plan, a good one. It's not that easy of course, but i know that all i need is one thing, one event, to set of a chain, a domino effect so to speak. It's bound to happen ! I've been good, i've bided my time, but now i'm needing mmy luck to change. It's almost like a tiger or something, being shaved and flung into a zoo, with no possible escape. I feel sorry for that poor bastard, atleast i've got a chance. But looking back on this blog of late, it's been moan, moan, moan ! Like a broken fucking records. It's time to be pro-active kids ! I just need to make shit stuff happen ! It's all do-able. It's been done before. I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself, feeling hard done by.

The past is set in stone, of course, it can't be changed. But the future is unwritten, that's my ace card, the fact that i'm working on a blank canvas. People still aren't keen to get to close to me, and i like that, they are still wary, despite my relative good behaviour and lack of drive recently. Folks know the potential is there, for me to fly of the side of the mountain and just fall all the fucking way down, laughing as i drop and pulling in anybody who is near down with me. Some of you are safe, but the rest of the world is fair game, be prepared. You've all been warned, back off now... Or enjoy the fall.

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

This Morning You Wake, A Sunray Hit's Your Face...

Some Lyrics From Eminem. Taken from the song 'Love The Way You Lie Part 2.'


'This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
hush baby, speak softly, tell me I’ll be sorry that you
pushed me into the coffee table last night so I can push you off me
try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy
baby, without you, I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug me
then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me
then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we
know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs
that we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky
together, we move mountains, let’s not make mountains out of molehills,
you hit me twice, yeah, but who’s countin’
I may have hit you three times, I’m startin’ to lose count
but together, we’ll live forever, we found the youth fountain
our love is crazy, we’re nuts, but I refused counselin’
this house is too huge, if you move out I’ll burn all two thousand
square feet of it to the ground, ain’t shit you can do about it
with you I’m in my f–kin’ mind, without you, I’m out it'

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

This Morning You Wake, A Sunray Hit's Your Face...

Some Lyrics From Eminem. Taken from the song 'Love The Way You Lie Part 2.'


'This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
hush baby, speak softly, tell me I’ll be sorry that you
pushed me into the coffee table last night so I can push you off me
try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy
baby, without you, I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug me
then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me
then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we
know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs
that we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky
together, we move mountains, let’s not make mountains out of molehills,
you hit me twice, yeah, but who’s countin’
I may have hit you three times, I’m startin’ to lose count
but together, we’ll live forever, we found the youth fountain
our love is crazy, we’re nuts, but I refused counselin’
this house is too huge, if you move out I’ll burn all two thousand
square feet of it to the ground, ain’t shit you can do about it
with you I’m in my f–kin’ mind, without you, I’m out it'

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

Over, When You Said Goodbye....

Honestly I thought it was something special. really, I enjoyed every minute. And I've missed what it was every minute since it fell apart. But maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe it was an illusion ? A charade ? Could I have just been a way to feel better about yourself ? To try and convince yourself that you were capable of some level of humanity and love. Only to jump ship to an easier and less difficult person as soon as it became an option ?

Probably not ! I think more of you then that. But I couldn't even begin to judge you if it was the case ! You see, I would find it perfectly understandable, inevitable even, I can't be easy to live with, especially in a confined environment for much of the time.

Mybe what I'm stumbling about trying to say is, I don't care. That's not mean, it's a compliment. However you feel regarding me now doesn't matter, because I will always have the time we spent together, and nothing can take that away from me. Nothing....

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

Over, When You Said Goodbye....

Honestly I thought it was something special. really, I enjoyed every minute. And I've missed what it was every minute since it fell apart. But maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe it was an illusion ? A charade ? Could I have just been a way to feel better about yourself ? To try and convince yourself that you were capable of some level of humanity and love. Only to jump ship to an easier and less difficult person as soon as it became an option ?

Probably not ! I think more of you then that. But I couldn't even begin to judge you if it was the case ! You see, I would find it perfectly understandable, inevitable even, I can't be easy to live with, especially in a confined environment for much of the time.

Mybe what I'm stumbling about trying to say is, I don't care. That's not mean, it's a compliment. However you feel regarding me now doesn't matter, because I will always have the time we spent together, and nothing can take that away from me. Nothing....

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

Moments

When you put some actual thought into it, you realise that you split your life into individual moments. Every chapter of it is summed up in your mind by one particular vison, or moment. Often exagarated, but usually perfect. And that is what it's all about i'd say. Life is these moments, i saw a film last night, Love & Other Drugs, and it really rammed this point home to me so to speak. Life cannot be perfect, as people we all have flaws and will almost certaintly muck up every good thing we are given, this can't be helped. Sad but true. However, it's not too matter, because in the end what we do have is the perfect moments, as many as we want. And they won't ever leave us, they can't be lost. Because these monets are forever engrained in our minds, they become a part of us, part of the make-up that creates us, forms us and makes us whatever it is that we are and are supposed to become.

So this brings me to me.... The moments in my head, i've got many, i live in these monets more often than not, cling to them even. But that's not the be all and end all, i am on a constant journey to create new moments, new segments of reality, little steps of perfection on a rough and sort of depressing staircase. However, it really isn't easy that's for sure. It's like at the moment, life is diluted, everything is watered down. Colours don't stand out as bright as they have before, nothing is as exciting, everything has become the same. Excitemtn has basically just fucked off, this is as bad as it's been in a long time. The small brief moments of enjoyment are just toally overshadowed by the shit that surrounds them. I cannot win with this ! It dawned on me a matter of hours ago that my decisions in the past, and lack of action in certain scenarios have all resulted in this ! I am without a doubt the very man who was was too afraid to fly so who never did land. Were would i have been now had i just flown, had i just went for it, took the leap of faith so to speak. Not here that's for sure, but then i would have missed out on so much else, it's impossible to know or comprehend ! So i won't.

End of the day, this is exactly were i am, my own choices have led me here, so instead of complaining i'm going to make it work, i will find something, anything and everything will be good again. As Bette Davis would say: 'Why Let Us Ask For The Moon, When We Have The Stars.'

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xXx