Paper Heart.

Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........

Good, had to let that out.

I have a problem, i'm bothered, in a good way though, i'm feeling something again, so i'm not heartless, but it's taking me down. This little problem started of as nothing, but it's grown arms and legs and i invested in the emotional baggage and now it's all bullshit and fucked up.

I'll start at the begining, as it's a very good place to start. But i'll keep the background brief, cause it's late and i can't be arsed.

First day of uni i met a nice girl > All friendly and such > She ended up being totally into me > Slept together at a party > Nothing came of it and i wasn't too concerned > Life goes on, la, lala, la > 'Bout 2 month later i hear that she really does like me, still aren't particularly bothered > On the 28th of November i ended up sleeping with her again > Realised that i actually really like her aswel !!! Never a good thing > Turns out she can only communicate her feelings toward me when sh'es drunk > Now i'm feeling bad about it, cause i've decided that i really do like her and am kinda strugglin to cope with the somewhat scitsophrenic (Spell ?) relationship we have.

Give myself some space to get deep on this shit.... So the thing is when it's just a normal day and we're both straight and sober it's kinda just like we're friends. But not as close friends as before. The reason for this of course is that she's now aware of the fact that i know she likes me, but can't tell me out of fear or embaresment or something, added to the nakedness and such aswel of course. Now, i know she's had bad things happend in the past in regards to relationships, which is making this difficutlt for her like, but i'm actually very good at that kinda thing and know for a fact that i would be the best damm boy she ever had ! But i'm not so certain i'll ever get the chance.

See i was gonna ask her to the cinema or something right, one night this week. So i thought i'd send her a wee text askin how she was and that, not mentiong going out or nothing though, i would leave that till later in the text convo, so it seemed nice and natural. Not pre-planned... Like your reading about ! But as it goes, i never had a text back or nothing ! Of course this could be down to a variety of reasons, and i'm a certainty to be looking to much into it but fuck it ! It's bothered me. Annoying though, because i was desperate to remain 100% detached from this whole mess, but as per i got myself sucked in ! I'm soo predictable like that. I just can't stay away for long enough.

See now i'm worried cause i'm thinking that all of this is just gonna build up and then explode into something nasty which is precisely what i don't want. Our mutual friends are planning a christmas part on friday which i'm presuming i'll be heading along too and now i'm considering refusing to do anything with her. I think that i should stop it before it get's too a stage were i get overly invested. Welll, more so then i am now anyway. So i think the best option for me would be to just give up the ghost and stop the madness now, before i or she makes it fucking worse :/ Easy to say that of course, i'm not good at turning down propositions, if you know what i mean...

I just really don't know what i want to do here !! I didn't plan for this, i have no grand fecking schemes to solvee the mess. I'm drawing blanks all over the shop when i try to think of anything and it's tiring me out. I have such a hatred of this kinda crap, but i really can't resist gettting myself into it. I suppose i could see this coming from the word go like. Would it be fair to assume i'm pretty much just being used ??....

Those question marks were serious by the way. Anybody readign this feel free to give me some fresh perspectives or opinions. Infact, please do, i could really do with some comments on this one !!!

Man, life sucks. In a beautiful kinda way. My paper heart is bleeding....

Thanks for reading,

I'll be talkin to yaa xx