A Year From Now

By Across 5 April's:

'Complete and total adoration,

My gift to you, my heart was yours.

In ten weeks you shaped it,

In one night you murdered it.

Torn from my chest and laid at your feet,

That first step that you took was the worst.

Since then you've walked a thousand miles in silence and short remark,

And I still have these memories,But we'll never see what we could have been.

Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?

Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?

Remember....

cause that's all you can do.

We'll never make another memory,

We'll never make another memory.

I wish I'd have died in your arms the last time we were together,

So I wouldn't have to wake without you today.

This time I thought things were real.

You said they were.

What happened?

You were a priority, Was I an option?

I let you see a side of me that I don't share with anyone.

Promises are just words unless they are fulfilled.

you knew from the beginning all I had to offer you was my heart,

I'm sorry that wasn't enough.

So, we'll go our own ways,

And hopefully you'll remember the things I've told you,

Hopefully you'll understand that everything I said was in sincerity.

A broken heart is not what I wanted from this,

But I guess I've learned from it.

But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?

I don't consider this a mistake,

I just wish the story didn't end this way,

Cause I'm still in love with the person who helped me write it.

Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?

Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?'

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

Feeling

I Hate It !

How i can't go more than a day without having some huge breakdown ! I miss how i used to not care, didn't know any better. But it's not as simple anymore, i've been there too many times, should no better. But still i want it !

I don't even know what 'it' is anymore. I just know it when it's there, and i hate when it's not ! I felt it 4 weeks ago, but in the last two it's dissapeared again ! The only thing i can be sure of is that whenever i feel as happy as it makes me, it always leads to unhappiness, that's just the way it is. Nothing i or anyone else can do, it's a never ending fucking cycle !

However, i do need to feel something, and soon ! I don't care what, or even who, i just need something to happen, anything ! Please, please, please. I'm at a new low, even though the loss doesn't hurt nearly as much this time, it's the realisation that's killing me ! I wish this could be the last time, but i'm not clever enough to make it that, i'll fall, again and again, I'm addicted !

Fuck Sake Let me Feel something ! God damm it, i need it, just a change, something new or old i don't give a shit ! Please.... LET ME FUCKING FEEL SOMETHING !!!!!!

I need help, somebody please... Please, anyone ? ..... Help me .......

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

Soo.....

Afternoon, Been a while...

I've had a crazy last few days really, but i'm finally on holiday now, 2 weeks of doing fuck awl (maybe a bit studyin) can't wait ! Right, so what have i been doing since last time, nothing of note really, lets seee... School, trip to the doctors, Hockey Tournament ( Don't ask), Wee night out on friday with Shaun and Grant, and cinema yesterday, with a night in with dave and Greig. Pretty good on the whole.

What is annoying me however is other people at school, on friday night even though i did go out, with the two people who i wiuld class as proper friends in that godforesaken shit hole of a place, there was something big happening ! But once again, people chose to neglect to spread this information. Now it wouldn't bother me if i just wasn't invited or anything, but i know that if i'd heard about it and said something i would have been welcomed ! These people can be you're best mate but only when it suits them !! Thts is of course th ereason why i don't spend half as much time with them as i usd too, just kinda do my own thing now ! Works out well enough. Also, for whatever reason they all seem to have some sort of anti-grant campaign on the go. Like, they just sem to not like him at all, and whenever he's not somethere they bitch about him rotten ! I don't understand it, but it's pretty damm annoying, i like him, sure we might not be as close as we once were, but that's not my fault, he had a few weird months which pretty much ruined alot of stuff, but we're gettin better again which is nice ! Still wouldn't trust him with much though...

Football last night, Shite, not that i'm particularly bothered likes, but still ! It's pretty rubbish to see you're country get completely pumped by somebody else, Ahh well, again i'm not that concerned.

Got much bigger probelms infront just now, and for once i really have no clue how to approach the biggest of the lot ( which isn't exams by the way, i've got them covered). No, No, this is waaay more confusin, other people always are ! But how can i be expected to know what to do when i'm not getting told what the problem is ! It makes no sesne to me, sure i've had communication issues in the past, but this is ridiculous ! I have literally not heard anything (voluntarily anyway) for about two weeks, and i havn't seen them in person for two weeks, two days ! I hate it, it's a shame really, cause i liked the idea of this, and liked the person most importantly ! I'll see though, surely over two weeks off something should happen ! Probably not mind you, it seems like i'm just fighting a losing battle.

Bad Times

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx

My Dog

Molly !

My Cute, crazy, loving, Fun, Lazy, Cuddly, 8 year old Black Labrador !

The Real Love Of My Life

And the calming influence, She keeps me sane sometimes

Never Happier then when i'm in the middle of the park, just walking, her always 5 paces infront (unless she's swimming) !

Love You Loads !

I'll Be Talkin To Yaa xx

Little Poem

There Once Was A Little Boy, Who Never Knew How To Love, Until A Girl Broke His Heart...

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx

Buzy, Buzy, Buzy

Christ i'm tired !

The last week and two days have been hectic ! Like non-stop, finally done my drama (practical) exam today, delighted to get that out the way ! Kinda sad it's over though, was good fun. But ooh well, at least i've manged to have two days off normal school for it, and off tomorrow afternoon aswel 'cause of a right pointless football tournament ! But more excitin then.... Media Studies, drama and english.

Good news is though that i go off on Easter holidays for two weeks this friday. Can't Wait ! Like, i know i'll have to study for all my highers and stuff, but it'll be nice to have time all to myself again, maybe go out occasionally, have a little bit fun. Should be good !

Rather stressed about these exams actually. Like, if i do bad i'll have to do a 6th year at school and won't be allowed to take my place at Uni ! I know i'm goin a year earier then pretty much anybody, but it just seems the best idea, really hate school frankly ! Like i've got m8s and stuff, Shaun, Grant, Chris, Ryan, Struan etc.... Loads in all fairness, but the silly thing is only a handful to i actually like, my better friends all exist outside of school, which is probably best so i don't have to see them every day ! Haha. But yeah, I get the results and go to Napier Uni next year i'll hopefully meet plenty new people and make new pals, which is always nice .

Right, so anyway, i'm gonna take my leave for now, enjoyed the chat, bye, bye, now

I'll be talkin to ya xxxx

Make Sense ?

Somebody Who means the world to me, but who is going through a really difficult time just now, just asked me if this made sense....

'It's strange, that you cannot find any strength to even try to find a voice, to speak your mind. You know its a simple game, i understand no one understands. Nothing hurts you. Breath easy, cry hard, die to live, live to die, its only temporary, till the end.'

It makes no sense, yet perfect sense, and i love it ! And I Love her !

Secrets are fun....

Goodnight

I'll be talkin to yaa xxx