The Last.....

'Reverse time.

This is my last wish, my last kiss, my last chance, my last dance....

To spend the rest of my life with You, tonight.'

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xXx

The Last.....

'Reverse time.

This is my last wish, my last kiss, my last chance, my last dance....

To spend the rest of my life with You, tonight.'

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xXx

False Faces

What is becoming increasingly clear to me of late is that i'm allowing the worse sides of my personality to be in control more often. What i mean is that i like to think that deep down i am a pretty good guy, i'm friendly, polite, charming and normally have my heart in the right place. However, i also have a much meaner side, i suppose a counter me. That side is angry, bitchy, selfish, manipulative and self destructve. Up until now i only engaged that sie of me when it was needed, or sometimes when i was faced with certain situations. But now i'm realising that i' acting like that most of the time. The lines are blurring so to speak. And i'm not entirely sure what one is me anyway, and that's kinda scary.

It's usually in social scenarios that the worst in me is coming out. I'm becoming more erratic and unpredictable amongst others with regards to what i'll say and do. Even people that i like would have every right to turn and hit after some comments that i've made to them. I don't get why they havn't to be honest. I'd hit me ! I want to be nice y'know, but every time a thought comes into my head i just blurt it out, like i've not got that filter that's meant to stop me saying things that'll lead me into trouble. My actions too, the way i conduct myself is getting less and less usual all the time. I can be like differant people all in the space of one conversation. Like all will be going fine and well, then suddenly i'll just have a moment of madness (or stupidity) and talk some bollocks and piss someone off. It's gotta stuff ! Seriously.

I don't know what it is. It could maybe be a sorta defence mechanism. That's the only thing i can think of me. I'm just staying on the offense, so that i don't ever have to get defensive. If i focus on everyone else, maybe nobody will think to look at me and ask questions. Although that might be exactly what i need, i don't want to do it. Basicly what i'm saying (i think) is that i'm shit scarred of letting ppeople in again, and in order to close myself emotionally, and not have to deal with that kinda shit, i'm just using other peoples thoughts and emotions. The more i focus on them, the less time will be spent opening up my horrible box of secrets and weirdness. At this point in time i'm actually having fun, thoughless, enjoyable fun. But at the same time i am in the most fucked up head space i've had for years. There is a lot going on up there that i'm refusing to deal with. Too hard, instead i'm just throwing all of my crap into being the witty, funny, cheeky, kinda cute guy in a big group of people. I'm being a bit of a mutha fucker but maybe purely for my own best interests. For now anyway. I suppose this is going to end up being a waiting game, It's pretty exciting actually. Hmmmm.... Plenty to think about, but it can wait. I'm not up to that challenge just yet.

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

False Faces

What is becoming increasingly clear to me of late is that i'm allowing the worse sides of my personality to be in control more often. What i mean is that i like to think that deep down i am a pretty good guy, i'm friendly, polite, charming and normally have my heart in the right place. However, i also have a much meaner side, i suppose a counter me. That side is angry, bitchy, selfish, manipulative and self destructve. Up until now i only engaged that sie of me when it was needed, or sometimes when i was faced with certain situations. But now i'm realising that i' acting like that most of the time. The lines are blurring so to speak. And i'm not entirely sure what one is me anyway, and that's kinda scary.

It's usually in social scenarios that the worst in me is coming out. I'm becoming more erratic and unpredictable amongst others with regards to what i'll say and do. Even people that i like would have every right to turn and hit after some comments that i've made to them. I don't get why they havn't to be honest. I'd hit me ! I want to be nice y'know, but every time a thought comes into my head i just blurt it out, like i've not got that filter that's meant to stop me saying things that'll lead me into trouble. My actions too, the way i conduct myself is getting less and less usual all the time. I can be like differant people all in the space of one conversation. Like all will be going fine and well, then suddenly i'll just have a moment of madness (or stupidity) and talk some bollocks and piss someone off. It's gotta stuff ! Seriously.

I don't know what it is. It could maybe be a sorta defence mechanism. That's the only thing i can think of me. I'm just staying on the offense, so that i don't ever have to get defensive. If i focus on everyone else, maybe nobody will think to look at me and ask questions. Although that might be exactly what i need, i don't want to do it. Basicly what i'm saying (i think) is that i'm shit scarred of letting ppeople in again, and in order to close myself emotionally, and not have to deal with that kinda shit, i'm just using other peoples thoughts and emotions. The more i focus on them, the less time will be spent opening up my horrible box of secrets and weirdness. At this point in time i'm actually having fun, thoughless, enjoyable fun. But at the same time i am in the most fucked up head space i've had for years. There is a lot going on up there that i'm refusing to deal with. Too hard, instead i'm just throwing all of my crap into being the witty, funny, cheeky, kinda cute guy in a big group of people. I'm being a bit of a mutha fucker but maybe purely for my own best interests. For now anyway. I suppose this is going to end up being a waiting game, It's pretty exciting actually. Hmmmm.... Plenty to think about, but it can wait. I'm not up to that challenge just yet.

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

End Of The World As You Know It

I'm fascinated by the manner in which everything can change in your life and you almost don't realise. What i'm meaning is that over a period of time, small things come up and become big things, your priorities start to differ and eve nthe genral routine of your life becomes completely differant. And because the process is spread out over a distance of time, you just don't realise until it's all changed.

This thought just sorta came to me last night. I was lying in bed, not sleeping, and i began to realise that if you took me this time last year, and compared that with myself now, there is very little similarity with regards to the thoughts and priorities in ones head. Like it's all new faces. Most of the old has just been let go. I'm ruthless like that, i'll drop people on a whim. But not just that. These new people, who i didn't even know existed last year, are my life now. These people are the ones who i spent time with. Who i live with, learn with, drink with, fuck with. And it is weird to think that i has no idea of any of them only a year ago ! Of course thre's the inner circle. The few and trusted who have been in my life forever. And they'll never dissapear, but the've been joined by soo many other folk.

Also, i think it would be fair to say that i've changed pretty drasticly too. I've really noticed that i've began to open up a little more. I'm waayyy less scared of allowing people in. I've began to trust people more then i did before, and i'm enjoying it. Doing this is actually allowing me to become closer with the people who i call friends. The reason behind this i think, is maybe the fact that, unlike before i now have a group of friends (who i met mostly through uni) that instead of just accepting as they are hanging about in the same areas as me, i actually am proper friends with ! I really like these people, and that feels really, really good.

Another huge change is just location. Now i hang out and peoples own flat's. Belonging to them. As opposed to going to peoples parent's houses, or student flat's like i wa this time last year and beforee that. Even though i still live at home, it makes me feel more independant. Like i'm seeing what it takes to live outwith your families protection, and i'm totally confidnet that i could sustain myself in that manner, and probably enjoy it aswel. Having spent the majority of my time in the last few months staying away from home anyway i'm used to it all, and frankly it just seems normal. As does going out without having to plan for being underage and things like that. I can now enjoy being out without the uncertainty of maybe getting chucked out of someplace, or not even getting in ! It's whole new freedom and one that just makes life a whole lot fucking easier. Having a group of older friends of course, led to me being out all the time, and getting used to that enviroment, but i was still having to use my mates I.D and although it worked one hundred percent of the time (Thank's Dave) IIt's just cool to have my own now.

All in all, at this point, i finally feel grown up ! I am confident in myself, and assured in what i'm doing. I have awesome friends in all avenues of my life, and an entire new year to look forward to at university. I actually cannot fucking wait ! I'm on the cusp of passing my driving test (finally) and that'll just add to it all. Even though i completely loathe driving cars ! Haha.

So i suppose all that's left to say, is that the world i was existing in 365 days ago, is all in the past. So here's to the future. I firmly believe that something fantastic is about to happen, i'm just about to fall into the best damm time of my life. It's the end of the world as i know it... And i feel fine.

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

End Of The World As You Know It

I'm fascinated by the manner in which everything can change in your life and you almost don't realise. What i'm meaning is that over a period of time, small things come up and become big things, your priorities start to differ and eve nthe genral routine of your life becomes completely differant. And because the process is spread out over a distance of time, you just don't realise until it's all changed.

This thought just sorta came to me last night. I was lying in bed, not sleeping, and i began to realise that if you took me this time last year, and compared that with myself now, there is very little similarity with regards to the thoughts and priorities in ones head. Like it's all new faces. Most of the old has just been let go. I'm ruthless like that, i'll drop people on a whim. But not just that. These new people, who i didn't even know existed last year, are my life now. These people are the ones who i spent time with. Who i live with, learn with, drink with, fuck with. And it is weird to think that i has no idea of any of them only a year ago ! Of course thre's the inner circle. The few and trusted who have been in my life forever. And they'll never dissapear, but the've been joined by soo many other folk.

Also, i think it would be fair to say that i've changed pretty drasticly too. I've really noticed that i've began to open up a little more. I'm waayyy less scared of allowing people in. I've began to trust people more then i did before, and i'm enjoying it. Doing this is actually allowing me to become closer with the people who i call friends. The reason behind this i think, is maybe the fact that, unlike before i now have a group of friends (who i met mostly through uni) that instead of just accepting as they are hanging about in the same areas as me, i actually am proper friends with ! I really like these people, and that feels really, really good.

Another huge change is just location. Now i hang out and peoples own flat's. Belonging to them. As opposed to going to peoples parent's houses, or student flat's like i wa this time last year and beforee that. Even though i still live at home, it makes me feel more independant. Like i'm seeing what it takes to live outwith your families protection, and i'm totally confidnet that i could sustain myself in that manner, and probably enjoy it aswel. Having spent the majority of my time in the last few months staying away from home anyway i'm used to it all, and frankly it just seems normal. As does going out without having to plan for being underage and things like that. I can now enjoy being out without the uncertainty of maybe getting chucked out of someplace, or not even getting in ! It's whole new freedom and one that just makes life a whole lot fucking easier. Having a group of older friends of course, led to me being out all the time, and getting used to that enviroment, but i was still having to use my mates I.D and although it worked one hundred percent of the time (Thank's Dave) IIt's just cool to have my own now.

All in all, at this point, i finally feel grown up ! I am confident in myself, and assured in what i'm doing. I have awesome friends in all avenues of my life, and an entire new year to look forward to at university. I actually cannot fucking wait ! I'm on the cusp of passing my driving test (finally) and that'll just add to it all. Even though i completely loathe driving cars ! Haha.

So i suppose all that's left to say, is that the world i was existing in 365 days ago, is all in the past. So here's to the future. I firmly believe that something fantastic is about to happen, i'm just about to fall into the best damm time of my life. It's the end of the world as i know it... And i feel fine.

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx

All Your Perfect Little Faults

It's weird how after a certain amount of time away from somebody, somebody who you spend alot of time with, that you begin to miss the strangest things. Of course you miss th eobvious, there looks, there smell, there smile all that stuff. But on top of that you begin to miss all the things that you found less than perfect. In simple terms, you begin to miss all their faults, and probelms. All the issues they have, and every little thing that you ever found annoying or upsetting. Whether it's....

The fact that when you walk, you hold yourself funny, kinda looking like a stupid cartoon...

Or that you can't converse for any more than five minutes without drifting of and then having to be reminded about what we're talking about...

The fact that you're soo stubbernly resitant to changing opinions on anything that you just down right refuse to change your mind...

Even the fact that you constantly spout strange viewpoints and ideas about life, that could only make sense to you...

You always got your phrases and sayings mixed up, resulting in some hilarious and dumb statement...

Or that you always say 'like i always say' when to be honest, never once have you said that regarding something that you actually do always say...

Or how about that fact that you snore. Really, really loudly...

And that you take hours to wake up in the morning and then proceed to be tired until about 3 o'clock in the afternoon...

The fact that despite really, really believing in something, and wanting to do the best you can, when faced with a choice, you can never look outwith that moment, you can't see a big picture...

You've got shite will power and self control...

Or that you continually listen to the same set of songs, until you've succesfully driven everybody else within ear shot mental...

And worst of all, despite all of these faults, and all the problems you caused, and the headaches you gave, i still find you totally, and completely, perfect.

I'll Be Talkin To Yaa XxX