False Faces

What is becoming increasingly clear to me of late is that i'm allowing the worse sides of my personality to be in control more often. What i mean is that i like to think that deep down i am a pretty good guy, i'm friendly, polite, charming and normally have my heart in the right place. However, i also have a much meaner side, i suppose a counter me. That side is angry, bitchy, selfish, manipulative and self destructve. Up until now i only engaged that sie of me when it was needed, or sometimes when i was faced with certain situations. But now i'm realising that i' acting like that most of the time. The lines are blurring so to speak. And i'm not entirely sure what one is me anyway, and that's kinda scary.

It's usually in social scenarios that the worst in me is coming out. I'm becoming more erratic and unpredictable amongst others with regards to what i'll say and do. Even people that i like would have every right to turn and hit after some comments that i've made to them. I don't get why they havn't to be honest. I'd hit me ! I want to be nice y'know, but every time a thought comes into my head i just blurt it out, like i've not got that filter that's meant to stop me saying things that'll lead me into trouble. My actions too, the way i conduct myself is getting less and less usual all the time. I can be like differant people all in the space of one conversation. Like all will be going fine and well, then suddenly i'll just have a moment of madness (or stupidity) and talk some bollocks and piss someone off. It's gotta stuff ! Seriously.

I don't know what it is. It could maybe be a sorta defence mechanism. That's the only thing i can think of me. I'm just staying on the offense, so that i don't ever have to get defensive. If i focus on everyone else, maybe nobody will think to look at me and ask questions. Although that might be exactly what i need, i don't want to do it. Basicly what i'm saying (i think) is that i'm shit scarred of letting ppeople in again, and in order to close myself emotionally, and not have to deal with that kinda shit, i'm just using other peoples thoughts and emotions. The more i focus on them, the less time will be spent opening up my horrible box of secrets and weirdness. At this point in time i'm actually having fun, thoughless, enjoyable fun. But at the same time i am in the most fucked up head space i've had for years. There is a lot going on up there that i'm refusing to deal with. Too hard, instead i'm just throwing all of my crap into being the witty, funny, cheeky, kinda cute guy in a big group of people. I'm being a bit of a mutha fucker but maybe purely for my own best interests. For now anyway. I suppose this is going to end up being a waiting game, It's pretty exciting actually. Hmmmm.... Plenty to think about, but it can wait. I'm not up to that challenge just yet.

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx