Alrighty, i'm going to take a little step back in time here, to the tune of about three years ago (2007). As usual i'm involved, and as it so often is, the story's all about a girl. So, i suppose i'll just kick off.
Around late Mid May i went away with the school on a two week (well, 10 days) camp to the North of Scotland. My entire year group went and whilst i didn't really enjoy it, there was some fairly decent moments. It being an 'active camp' type of thing, we were of course moving around a fair bit, but the main sorta 'base' for the group (about two hundred of us) was the famously haunted Carbisdale castle. It was on 'Most Haunted' once. Check it out. I saw nothing but :/ Anyway, this castle/house quickly turned into a two week house party location and there was a great atmosphere all about the joint. It was gooooood. So, back on topic, one night i'm sitting there, listening to my pal rambling on about some trivial pish, when her friend sit's down and joins us. I knew the girl vaguelly but we still had to be introduced as names weren't appearing in eithers head. To cut a long chat short, we got on very well. Surprisingly so. Eventually i had to head of but i wandered away with the (now all too familier) nagging feeling that their was something a little bit out of the ordinary about our exchange. However, i only seen her sporadically for the remaining time there, but from that i was able to understand that she most certaintly wanted to hang around with me (unusual to me back then.)
Right, zoom forward a good few weeks. Some point in June (early on actually.) Since returning from the school camp my group of friends had really merged with a group of girls whom prior to going were nothing more than faces in the halls. Now we were best of mates, weird how that happens eh ? It wouldn't last of course.
As a group we were buzy, doing whatever the hell you do when you're 14/15 and think you're the coolest fuckers in the whole wide world. Seriously, we did. We'd go drinking in parks, walk around Princess street, sit eating McDonalds and drinking Starbucks in the gardens (always the back gardens beside the train train tracks.) Because of this group activity i found myself getting closer to the girl i had met at Carbisdale. I'll call her 'Nina.'
Me and Nina had been slowly but surely building something. Through shootin' the shit on Msn & leaving constant Bebo comments, it was obvious to everyone that we were headed towards begin a couple. On my part i was going crazy for her. I thought she was the most interesting, fun, beautiful and sexy thing in my life. Keep in mind that despite being well versed in certain things, i was still quite emotionally immature and naive. So after a period of time we did indeed start going out. The thing is but, i was also seeing this other girl prior to all this who was lovely, but only 13 years old (i was just about to turn 15) and when i measured up the two scenarios, 'Nina' blew her out the water. Totally. To this day i still rate this as one of the worst descisionss i ever made. A totally rash and poorly thought-out mistake. I havn't learned from it, i can admit to that, but i would be interested to see were i'd have been now had i done the right thing. I'd go so far as to say a completely differant person.
So here i was, all happy and excited, my first proper girlfriend ! But i actually barely saw her until i sauntered of for a weeks holiday in New York (a great holiday btw.) This was a scenario i didn't know how to cope with ! I wouldn't get any phone signal there (cheap, shit, phone.) Needless to say i didn't talk to her until i got home. And then it was my birthday, i was seriously hoping my 15th birthday was gonna be really good but als, my evening was one of the worst ever !
I still can't explain the way i screwed up that night but on the same wave lenth her behaviour was horrible too. Maybe it just proved that we were never meant to be together, i donno....
We went to the cinema, loads of us, a big group. But it was one of the few times in my life that i just froze. I done nothing to give that 'boyfriendy' vibe, i could have been anybody. Never once during the film did i make moves towards her, no arm round tactic, no holding hands, barely even any small talk. Rookie errors. By the same token she didn't help matters by sitting all cold, moody and distant for most of the film. Eventually (clearly pissed off) she walked out saying she (and her friends) needed the bathroom, and woud see us after in the lobby area. That was a weird thing to do and it really annoyed me like, i'd not deserved that. It was petty and immature, i mean just open you're fucking mouth and tell me if you've got a problem y'kno :/ So anyway i walked out afters and she said nothing, like total silence, and that's basicly how she remained walking up Leith walk toward Princess street, so i just thought screw it and walked of with my pals to meet some other dudes, who wouldn't act all fucking weird.
We broke up two days later.
Now the weird thing is right, what was barely an event to even notch up on the story of my life. This entire episode had a very deep and intense effect on me. Both good a bad things. A first i was upset and it tooke me a long time to get over things. Infact i wasn't with another girl for seven months, but when that happened it was something really special and well worth the wait. This set of events led me to (that summer 07) to read Johnny Depp's Bio for the first time, leading me to discover the work of Jack Kerouac both of which had a big effect on me. All of this realyl led to my personality growing and becomining a thing that could be defined. This is what promted my facination with relationships and fear of comminting. This also promted me to cut myself for th efirst time and i suppose that's gotta be a negative. It also is what makes me always suspicious of females in these scenarios. I never trust people or believe them when they tell me they like me or have feelings for me. I can't explain it liie, buti always fear the worst and am paranoid regarding those situations, like it's all fake or if not then it's all just gonna crumble out from under me. For that i blame this.
But the postives outweigh everything else. I learned to be more choosey, i learned how to deal with being hurt, i learned that not everything in life would be nice. I created for myself a persona, a new 'me', i became who i am now. And sometimes, just sometimes, i like who i am. So for all of this i suppose i've gotta thank 'Nina', you made an effect on me which has meant more then anything you would have ever been. So for all of that and more, Here's looking at you kid.
I'll Be Talkin To Ya XxX
Monday, 8 March 2010
Here's Looking At You Kid
Alrighty, i'm going to take a little step back in time here, to the tune of about three years ago (2007). As usual i'm involved, and as it so often is, the story's all about a girl. So, i suppose i'll just kick off.
Around late Mid May i went away with the school on a two week (well, 10 days) camp to the North of Scotland. My entire year group went and whilst i didn't really enjoy it, there was some fairly decent moments. It being an 'active camp' type of thing, we were of course moving around a fair bit, but the main sorta 'base' for the group (about two hundred of us) was the famously haunted Carbisdale castle. It was on 'Most Haunted' once. Check it out. I saw nothing but :/ Anyway, this castle/house quickly turned into a two week house party location and there was a great atmosphere all about the joint. It was gooooood. So, back on topic, one night i'm sitting there, listening to my pal rambling on about some trivial pish, when her friend sit's down and joins us. I knew the girl vaguelly but we still had to be introduced as names weren't appearing in eithers head. To cut a long chat short, we got on very well. Surprisingly so. Eventually i had to head of but i wandered away with the (now all too familier) nagging feeling that their was something a little bit out of the ordinary about our exchange. However, i only seen her sporadically for the remaining time there, but from that i was able to understand that she most certaintly wanted to hang around with me (unusual to me back then.)
Right, zoom forward a good few weeks. Some point in June (early on actually.) Since returning from the school camp my group of friends had really merged with a group of girls whom prior to going were nothing more than faces in the halls. Now we were best of mates, weird how that happens eh ? It wouldn't last of course.
As a group we were buzy, doing whatever the hell you do when you're 14/15 and think you're the coolest fuckers in the whole wide world. Seriously, we did. We'd go drinking in parks, walk around Princess street, sit eating McDonalds and drinking Starbucks in the gardens (always the back gardens beside the train train tracks.) Because of this group activity i found myself getting closer to the girl i had met at Carbisdale. I'll call her 'Nina.'
Me and Nina had been slowly but surely building something. Through shootin' the shit on Msn & leaving constant Bebo comments, it was obvious to everyone that we were headed towards begin a couple. On my part i was going crazy for her. I thought she was the most interesting, fun, beautiful and sexy thing in my life. Keep in mind that despite being well versed in certain things, i was still quite emotionally immature and naive. So after a period of time we did indeed start going out. The thing is but, i was also seeing this other girl prior to all this who was lovely, but only 13 years old (i was just about to turn 15) and when i measured up the two scenarios, 'Nina' blew her out the water. Totally. To this day i still rate this as one of the worst descisionss i ever made. A totally rash and poorly thought-out mistake. I havn't learned from it, i can admit to that, but i would be interested to see were i'd have been now had i done the right thing. I'd go so far as to say a completely differant person.
So here i was, all happy and excited, my first proper girlfriend ! But i actually barely saw her until i sauntered of for a weeks holiday in New York (a great holiday btw.) This was a scenario i didn't know how to cope with ! I wouldn't get any phone signal there (cheap, shit, phone.) Needless to say i didn't talk to her until i got home. And then it was my birthday, i was seriously hoping my 15th birthday was gonna be really good but als, my evening was one of the worst ever !
I still can't explain the way i screwed up that night but on the same wave lenth her behaviour was horrible too. Maybe it just proved that we were never meant to be together, i donno....
We went to the cinema, loads of us, a big group. But it was one of the few times in my life that i just froze. I done nothing to give that 'boyfriendy' vibe, i could have been anybody. Never once during the film did i make moves towards her, no arm round tactic, no holding hands, barely even any small talk. Rookie errors. By the same token she didn't help matters by sitting all cold, moody and distant for most of the film. Eventually (clearly pissed off) she walked out saying she (and her friends) needed the bathroom, and woud see us after in the lobby area. That was a weird thing to do and it really annoyed me like, i'd not deserved that. It was petty and immature, i mean just open you're fucking mouth and tell me if you've got a problem y'kno :/ So anyway i walked out afters and she said nothing, like total silence, and that's basicly how she remained walking up Leith walk toward Princess street, so i just thought screw it and walked of with my pals to meet some other dudes, who wouldn't act all fucking weird.
We broke up two days later.
Now the weird thing is right, what was barely an event to even notch up on the story of my life. This entire episode had a very deep and intense effect on me. Both good a bad things. A first i was upset and it tooke me a long time to get over things. Infact i wasn't with another girl for seven months, but when that happened it was something really special and well worth the wait. This set of events led me to (that summer 07) to read Johnny Depp's Bio for the first time, leading me to discover the work of Jack Kerouac both of which had a big effect on me. All of this realyl led to my personality growing and becomining a thing that could be defined. This is what promted my facination with relationships and fear of comminting. This also promted me to cut myself for th efirst time and i suppose that's gotta be a negative. It also is what makes me always suspicious of females in these scenarios. I never trust people or believe them when they tell me they like me or have feelings for me. I can't explain it liie, buti always fear the worst and am paranoid regarding those situations, like it's all fake or if not then it's all just gonna crumble out from under me. For that i blame this.
But the postives outweigh everything else. I learned to be more choosey, i learned how to deal with being hurt, i learned that not everything in life would be nice. I created for myself a persona, a new 'me', i became who i am now. And sometimes, just sometimes, i like who i am. So for all of this i suppose i've gotta thank 'Nina', you made an effect on me which has meant more then anything you would have ever been. So for all of that and more, Here's looking at you kid.
I'll Be Talkin To Ya XxX
Around late Mid May i went away with the school on a two week (well, 10 days) camp to the North of Scotland. My entire year group went and whilst i didn't really enjoy it, there was some fairly decent moments. It being an 'active camp' type of thing, we were of course moving around a fair bit, but the main sorta 'base' for the group (about two hundred of us) was the famously haunted Carbisdale castle. It was on 'Most Haunted' once. Check it out. I saw nothing but :/ Anyway, this castle/house quickly turned into a two week house party location and there was a great atmosphere all about the joint. It was gooooood. So, back on topic, one night i'm sitting there, listening to my pal rambling on about some trivial pish, when her friend sit's down and joins us. I knew the girl vaguelly but we still had to be introduced as names weren't appearing in eithers head. To cut a long chat short, we got on very well. Surprisingly so. Eventually i had to head of but i wandered away with the (now all too familier) nagging feeling that their was something a little bit out of the ordinary about our exchange. However, i only seen her sporadically for the remaining time there, but from that i was able to understand that she most certaintly wanted to hang around with me (unusual to me back then.)
Right, zoom forward a good few weeks. Some point in June (early on actually.) Since returning from the school camp my group of friends had really merged with a group of girls whom prior to going were nothing more than faces in the halls. Now we were best of mates, weird how that happens eh ? It wouldn't last of course.
As a group we were buzy, doing whatever the hell you do when you're 14/15 and think you're the coolest fuckers in the whole wide world. Seriously, we did. We'd go drinking in parks, walk around Princess street, sit eating McDonalds and drinking Starbucks in the gardens (always the back gardens beside the train train tracks.) Because of this group activity i found myself getting closer to the girl i had met at Carbisdale. I'll call her 'Nina.'
Me and Nina had been slowly but surely building something. Through shootin' the shit on Msn & leaving constant Bebo comments, it was obvious to everyone that we were headed towards begin a couple. On my part i was going crazy for her. I thought she was the most interesting, fun, beautiful and sexy thing in my life. Keep in mind that despite being well versed in certain things, i was still quite emotionally immature and naive. So after a period of time we did indeed start going out. The thing is but, i was also seeing this other girl prior to all this who was lovely, but only 13 years old (i was just about to turn 15) and when i measured up the two scenarios, 'Nina' blew her out the water. Totally. To this day i still rate this as one of the worst descisionss i ever made. A totally rash and poorly thought-out mistake. I havn't learned from it, i can admit to that, but i would be interested to see were i'd have been now had i done the right thing. I'd go so far as to say a completely differant person.
So here i was, all happy and excited, my first proper girlfriend ! But i actually barely saw her until i sauntered of for a weeks holiday in New York (a great holiday btw.) This was a scenario i didn't know how to cope with ! I wouldn't get any phone signal there (cheap, shit, phone.) Needless to say i didn't talk to her until i got home. And then it was my birthday, i was seriously hoping my 15th birthday was gonna be really good but als, my evening was one of the worst ever !
I still can't explain the way i screwed up that night but on the same wave lenth her behaviour was horrible too. Maybe it just proved that we were never meant to be together, i donno....
We went to the cinema, loads of us, a big group. But it was one of the few times in my life that i just froze. I done nothing to give that 'boyfriendy' vibe, i could have been anybody. Never once during the film did i make moves towards her, no arm round tactic, no holding hands, barely even any small talk. Rookie errors. By the same token she didn't help matters by sitting all cold, moody and distant for most of the film. Eventually (clearly pissed off) she walked out saying she (and her friends) needed the bathroom, and woud see us after in the lobby area. That was a weird thing to do and it really annoyed me like, i'd not deserved that. It was petty and immature, i mean just open you're fucking mouth and tell me if you've got a problem y'kno :/ So anyway i walked out afters and she said nothing, like total silence, and that's basicly how she remained walking up Leith walk toward Princess street, so i just thought screw it and walked of with my pals to meet some other dudes, who wouldn't act all fucking weird.
We broke up two days later.
Now the weird thing is right, what was barely an event to even notch up on the story of my life. This entire episode had a very deep and intense effect on me. Both good a bad things. A first i was upset and it tooke me a long time to get over things. Infact i wasn't with another girl for seven months, but when that happened it was something really special and well worth the wait. This set of events led me to (that summer 07) to read Johnny Depp's Bio for the first time, leading me to discover the work of Jack Kerouac both of which had a big effect on me. All of this realyl led to my personality growing and becomining a thing that could be defined. This is what promted my facination with relationships and fear of comminting. This also promted me to cut myself for th efirst time and i suppose that's gotta be a negative. It also is what makes me always suspicious of females in these scenarios. I never trust people or believe them when they tell me they like me or have feelings for me. I can't explain it liie, buti always fear the worst and am paranoid regarding those situations, like it's all fake or if not then it's all just gonna crumble out from under me. For that i blame this.
But the postives outweigh everything else. I learned to be more choosey, i learned how to deal with being hurt, i learned that not everything in life would be nice. I created for myself a persona, a new 'me', i became who i am now. And sometimes, just sometimes, i like who i am. So for all of this i suppose i've gotta thank 'Nina', you made an effect on me which has meant more then anything you would have ever been. So for all of that and more, Here's looking at you kid.
I'll Be Talkin To Ya XxX
Watch This !
Please give this a watch ! It's amazing. One of those times when a camera captures a band doing what they do best. One of the best songs ever aswel :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYP1gxC9G6A
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYP1gxC9G6A
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx
Watch This !
Please give this a watch ! It's amazing. One of those times when a camera captures a band doing what they do best. One of the best songs ever aswel :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYP1gxC9G6A
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYP1gxC9G6A
I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx
Sunday, 7 March 2010
Learning To Breathe
So it's happened again. It generally just hits me, like a flood. I can't avoid it. I've never learned.
Each time it feels new and fresh, like it's what's been missing, like I couldn't cope without it. Just like learning to breathe all over again.
We'll see were this all leads too. I'm not pinning hopes on it. I can see far enough into the (near) future to see that the road has a dead end, but the journey is gonna be the reward on this trip. Hopefully.
It seems to me that it's moved up a gear, a definate shift in the tide. I have to admit to being slightly surprised, but it's there so I can't hide anymore. It's been a long time since it felt this impressive. I'm excited.
I'll be talkin to ya xx
Each time it feels new and fresh, like it's what's been missing, like I couldn't cope without it. Just like learning to breathe all over again.
We'll see were this all leads too. I'm not pinning hopes on it. I can see far enough into the (near) future to see that the road has a dead end, but the journey is gonna be the reward on this trip. Hopefully.
It seems to me that it's moved up a gear, a definate shift in the tide. I have to admit to being slightly surprised, but it's there so I can't hide anymore. It's been a long time since it felt this impressive. I'm excited.
I'll be talkin to ya xx
Learning To Breathe
So it's happened again. It generally just hits me, like a flood. I can't avoid it. I've never learned.
Each time it feels new and fresh, like it's what's been missing, like I couldn't cope without it. Just like learning to breathe all over again.
We'll see were this all leads too. I'm not pinning hopes on it. I can see far enough into the (near) future to see that the road has a dead end, but the journey is gonna be the reward on this trip. Hopefully.
It seems to me that it's moved up a gear, a definate shift in the tide. I have to admit to being slightly surprised, but it's there so I can't hide anymore. It's been a long time since it felt this impressive. I'm excited.
I'll be talkin to ya xx
Each time it feels new and fresh, like it's what's been missing, like I couldn't cope without it. Just like learning to breathe all over again.
We'll see were this all leads too. I'm not pinning hopes on it. I can see far enough into the (near) future to see that the road has a dead end, but the journey is gonna be the reward on this trip. Hopefully.
It seems to me that it's moved up a gear, a definate shift in the tide. I have to admit to being slightly surprised, but it's there so I can't hide anymore. It's been a long time since it felt this impressive. I'm excited.
I'll be talkin to ya xx
Thursday, 4 March 2010
Falling In
'Everytime I see your face
My heart takes off on a high speed chase
Now don’t be scared it’s only love
That we’re falling in
I would never do you wrong
Or let you down or lead you on
Don’t look down it’s only love
Baby that we’re falling in'
Jason Wade-Lifehouse
I'll Be Talkin To Yaa xx
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