What is happiness ?
How can it be defined ?
In my belief, happiness is a state of mind, brought on by any number of causes. No matter how big or small, anything can make somebody happy. And everybodys different, differant things do it for them etc...
My experiences however suggest one severely downbeat fact ! True happiness, surely what we're all after is just a dream, and is near to impossible to find, as we only realize how great something/someone was, once it's lost or over. When we're living these moments there taken for granted, almost wasted. It's only with hindsight we eventually grasp just how much we enjoyed something, or just how much a person meant to you. It's sad but it really does seem true......
Happiness is only in looking back then ? I sincerally hope i'm wrong !
I'll be talkin to yaa xxx
Sunday, 5 April 2009
Saturday, 4 April 2009
Confessions of a borderline insomniac
It's like stupid O'clock and i can't fucking sleep ! Maybe writin some shit down will help. You never know i suppose. I'd straight blog it, but i can't be arsed wanderin over and kicking up the computer. So i'll just write it here, in my trusty Ipod notes section, will probably post it up later on the blog. I'm enjoyin the dark and quiet anyway, why ruin it with a noisy bloody computer ?
Well frankly i feel like i've hit rock bottom, a new low actually. All my options look exhausted and i've no clue which way to turn. I've barely got anyone i can trust and it sucks ! I say barely cause there are still a few, most notably Dave. Take a bow mate, i know that you won't change or bullshit me. You're really the only person i trust enough to give any idea of what's really goin on in my head and ho the real 'me' is. I'm difficult i know that, but i try my best to not be a dick around you ! True i probably only give up about 5% of what's really goin on, but that's 4% more then anyone else gets from me. It's strange like, cause sometimes without meaning it, i do just open up and out comes loads of stuff i'd really rather i didn't say, but at least i know you won't judge me or hate me for it. To be honoust i wish i could tell you everything, hell, i wish i could tell anybody ! But i can't, i'm just scared of leaving myself open like that. Last night for example me and Dave had a nice wee walk, and i was all set to show him some of the places were i like to go, my little 'reflective' areas you could say. But i couldn't, not yet, some stuff is just best being kept private, it's still raw and maybe sharing it would cheapen the effect it has on me ?
I know this probably makes no sense to anybody......
Thing is like, the last year, their is soo much stuff i've done which i should regret, i've been hurt countless times, hurt others, made countless mistakes, lost friends, made friends with the wrong people and generally just acted carelessly, without giving a fuck. But i wouldn't change a thing ! It's making 'me' into 'me', if you get what i mean ? Even the last month, so mcuh happened, and i was sky high for awhile, the best i'd felt in ages, then after what ? 10 days or something, i was on my arse again ! But that's just the way the world goes 'round. I'll learn from it, i'd much rather be regretting what i did do then what i didn't do. And in that respect i have very little regrets....
I Should be happy ! I can't though, theirs still so much shit goin on, well i see it that way anyway. What bothers me the most, is the way that you just don't care ! But i can't help that. You have you're own little journey to make. Maybe we'll meet at the end ? Just get my dvd back though eh ?
God i wish i could sleep, this isn't nice, feels like i'm back to being friends with Mr. Insomnia again.... Fabbie ! Well, at least i'm warm.....
Sweet dreams people.
I'll be talkin to yaa xxx
Well frankly i feel like i've hit rock bottom, a new low actually. All my options look exhausted and i've no clue which way to turn. I've barely got anyone i can trust and it sucks ! I say barely cause there are still a few, most notably Dave. Take a bow mate, i know that you won't change or bullshit me. You're really the only person i trust enough to give any idea of what's really goin on in my head and ho the real 'me' is. I'm difficult i know that, but i try my best to not be a dick around you ! True i probably only give up about 5% of what's really goin on, but that's 4% more then anyone else gets from me. It's strange like, cause sometimes without meaning it, i do just open up and out comes loads of stuff i'd really rather i didn't say, but at least i know you won't judge me or hate me for it. To be honoust i wish i could tell you everything, hell, i wish i could tell anybody ! But i can't, i'm just scared of leaving myself open like that. Last night for example me and Dave had a nice wee walk, and i was all set to show him some of the places were i like to go, my little 'reflective' areas you could say. But i couldn't, not yet, some stuff is just best being kept private, it's still raw and maybe sharing it would cheapen the effect it has on me ?
I know this probably makes no sense to anybody......
Thing is like, the last year, their is soo much stuff i've done which i should regret, i've been hurt countless times, hurt others, made countless mistakes, lost friends, made friends with the wrong people and generally just acted carelessly, without giving a fuck. But i wouldn't change a thing ! It's making 'me' into 'me', if you get what i mean ? Even the last month, so mcuh happened, and i was sky high for awhile, the best i'd felt in ages, then after what ? 10 days or something, i was on my arse again ! But that's just the way the world goes 'round. I'll learn from it, i'd much rather be regretting what i did do then what i didn't do. And in that respect i have very little regrets....
I Should be happy ! I can't though, theirs still so much shit goin on, well i see it that way anyway. What bothers me the most, is the way that you just don't care ! But i can't help that. You have you're own little journey to make. Maybe we'll meet at the end ? Just get my dvd back though eh ?
God i wish i could sleep, this isn't nice, feels like i'm back to being friends with Mr. Insomnia again.... Fabbie ! Well, at least i'm warm.....
Sweet dreams people.
I'll be talkin to yaa xxx
Friday, 3 April 2009
All The Same
Y'know what right annoys me ? All the fucking, preppy little jack wills, ralph lauren clones that i see walking about every day ! They all look exactly the same, without fail, with their canterbury trackies and their fucking body warmers ! Have none of them ever had an original thought in their life !
Now wait, if memory serves me right, in one big group of private school, preppy little shits that walked past me today, one of the clones had a pair of black shoes instead of white, and was wearing a beanie hat. That was as radical as they could manage, he was clearly the rebel of the pack, the non-conformist, showing his uniqueness and pulling away from the pack..... What A Maverick !... Fuck sake !
It's a sad world we live in where this standard dress code is almost accepted, and the folk who dare to actually wear clothes that are some way creative and/or stylish (in real terms, not their impression of) are given funny looks and mocked for being 'differant' or 'awkward'. No wonder i hate them ! It's pathetic ! I really don't understand why somebody would be happy to go about looking like every single other person in their wee clique ! How do these people define themselves ?
Thing is, they'll probably coast through their lives like this, just trying to fit in and do what they think is 'cool'. Probably go to some typical University or whatever, and change their opinion of what the world is every time they read or see something new, influenced and motivated by whatever there told to be led by. Sad thing is, eventually they'll grow-up and realise that all their life they havn't once had an original bloody thought, and by the time this dawns on them it's too late, cause they've followed the pattern and become just another boring, everyday person, never achieving anything or doing something exciting in their life.
If i didn't loathe them so much, i'd almost feel sorry for them.
The sad, young, preppy, wealthy, spoilt, privatly educated youth of the country. In my opinion the secret shame of the country.
The clone Army....
God i hate them !
I'll be talkin to yaa xxxx
Now wait, if memory serves me right, in one big group of private school, preppy little shits that walked past me today, one of the clones had a pair of black shoes instead of white, and was wearing a beanie hat. That was as radical as they could manage, he was clearly the rebel of the pack, the non-conformist, showing his uniqueness and pulling away from the pack..... What A Maverick !... Fuck sake !
It's a sad world we live in where this standard dress code is almost accepted, and the folk who dare to actually wear clothes that are some way creative and/or stylish (in real terms, not their impression of) are given funny looks and mocked for being 'differant' or 'awkward'. No wonder i hate them ! It's pathetic ! I really don't understand why somebody would be happy to go about looking like every single other person in their wee clique ! How do these people define themselves ?
Thing is, they'll probably coast through their lives like this, just trying to fit in and do what they think is 'cool'. Probably go to some typical University or whatever, and change their opinion of what the world is every time they read or see something new, influenced and motivated by whatever there told to be led by. Sad thing is, eventually they'll grow-up and realise that all their life they havn't once had an original bloody thought, and by the time this dawns on them it's too late, cause they've followed the pattern and become just another boring, everyday person, never achieving anything or doing something exciting in their life.
If i didn't loathe them so much, i'd almost feel sorry for them.
The sad, young, preppy, wealthy, spoilt, privatly educated youth of the country. In my opinion the secret shame of the country.
The clone Army....
God i hate them !
I'll be talkin to yaa xxxx
Thursday, 2 April 2009
Sunnnny Day !!
It's Sooo bloody sunny out today !! It's cool, shows that summer's now too far away ! Excitin stuff. Was an ideal day for a nice walk, had the dog out early, but would have been nice to head out agian later, nobody to go with though ! Booo
I Did get a haircut though. Hopefully people will stop comparin me to fucking Zac Efron now (Shut up ! It has happened) i mean i'm sure he's a nice lad and all, but i can't bloody stand him ! However i am slightly paranoid that i now look like Gary Caldwell (thanks Uncle J !!!) But i think that's just me being a wee bit silly.
Have you ever had that awkward hairdresser moment when the person (usually like a trainee or some young girl) is doing the whole washing hair thingy, y'know the pre-cut shit. And then like they come round in front, and cause you're sittin and their standin , theminute they lean over to sort everything out, you get a complete eye-full ! Especially today, when her top left fek awl to the imagination. The question though is, were the hell do you look ?? Like as much as it's natural to stare, it's still rude ! But if you try and turn away it's really obvious and kinda embarasin. But if you just sit there, it's like, hey, i'm starin at you're tits ! I mean really, it's a lose-lose situation !
Ahh well ! What ya gonna do. It's pretty funny actually !
Seriously, i'm just bloggin for the bloody sake of it now, i'm just that cool ! Shaft this, i'm away to phone for food.
Fun Times.
I'll be talkin to yaaa xxx
I Did get a haircut though. Hopefully people will stop comparin me to fucking Zac Efron now (Shut up ! It has happened) i mean i'm sure he's a nice lad and all, but i can't bloody stand him ! However i am slightly paranoid that i now look like Gary Caldwell (thanks Uncle J !!!) But i think that's just me being a wee bit silly.
Have you ever had that awkward hairdresser moment when the person (usually like a trainee or some young girl) is doing the whole washing hair thingy, y'know the pre-cut shit. And then like they come round in front, and cause you're sittin and their standin , theminute they lean over to sort everything out, you get a complete eye-full ! Especially today, when her top left fek awl to the imagination. The question though is, were the hell do you look ?? Like as much as it's natural to stare, it's still rude ! But if you try and turn away it's really obvious and kinda embarasin. But if you just sit there, it's like, hey, i'm starin at you're tits ! I mean really, it's a lose-lose situation !
Ahh well ! What ya gonna do. It's pretty funny actually !
Seriously, i'm just bloggin for the bloody sake of it now, i'm just that cool ! Shaft this, i'm away to phone for food.
Fun Times.
I'll be talkin to yaaa xxx
OC Series 3 !!!
Watching the Seth/Summer break-up is possibly the most hard to watch thing i've seen in a long time !! It's horrific ! Like huge sympathy for Bilson, but Brody, Seriously ? Dude is just fucked in the head ! We all know he's never gonna get any better !
This ranks pretty highly on my sad scens from stuff list ! Here it is btw.....
5. Superboy/Wondergirl. From Teen Titans comic, during infinite crisis.
4. Seth/Summer. Break-up in the Oc Series 3
3. Edward Scissorhands. The scene near the end, where Winona comes out the house sayin he's dead.
2. The letter scene from the Notebook. When Ally is reading the 365th letter Noah sent her, that's been kept away from her. Everyone should cry !!!
1. Last scene of the Titanic. When Rose, is dreaming of the Titanic. She see's all the dead folk alive, then looks up the big staircase and Jack just turns. Then they kiss, brilliant stuff !
I'll be Talking To Ya xxxx
This ranks pretty highly on my sad scens from stuff list ! Here it is btw.....
5. Superboy/Wondergirl. From Teen Titans comic, during infinite crisis.
4. Seth/Summer. Break-up in the Oc Series 3
3. Edward Scissorhands. The scene near the end, where Winona comes out the house sayin he's dead.
2. The letter scene from the Notebook. When Ally is reading the 365th letter Noah sent her, that's been kept away from her. Everyone should cry !!!
1. Last scene of the Titanic. When Rose, is dreaming of the Titanic. She see's all the dead folk alive, then looks up the big staircase and Jack just turns. Then they kiss, brilliant stuff !
I'll be Talking To Ya xxxx
Lost
Awrite, So i'm back with some more pearls of wisdom, from my young, muddled head !
It's simple, i feel lost. Completely middle of the road, stranded, out the way, lost..... And i can't figure out what to do, not this time anyway.
It's a mixture of a bunch of stuff, like, if i'm leavin school this year, in about 6 weeks actually, (i think) What will i do with myself ? I'll make new friends hopefully, but will i ? I mean i've been at my school for ever and i don't seem to have many from their who i actually enjoy. My other mates will be doin all thier own stuff too, so i'm just worried that i'll be left on my own ! I mean yeah i'll meet new people and probably get along fine with them, but i just don't see myself making many friends, i just struggle to connect with people unless i feel a connection instantly ! It's pretty difficult to explain.
Not just that though, theirs the other issue aswell. As in what to do i do about my feelings for certain people. I mean i've proven countles times, that unless i'm careful i'll lose myself to somebody and it never goes well. It's just confusing, i don't know whether to say something and explain ow i'm feeling, or just to let it go and move on, which is probably best, as theirs like no future here me not thinks, but still, i don't want to just give-up ! I hate the way giving-up makes me feel, like a coward, a loser and generally a complete failure, i don't want to fail at anything, let alone this, but i am so lost, i have no idea which way to head.
Being lost isn't always a bad thing though, due to the way i'm feeling right now, i've actually taken to just walkin (in the dark), getting lost, good and proper ! Then just wanderin till i feel like finding my way home. I enjoy actually going out about some of the places that are pretty representative of the last month and just sitting, thinking, trying to work everything out, no success yet though, it does center me though, it's strange. But i do feel better afterwards !
Doing this though, really lets me focus on the most neglected person in my life, myself. And i've found that getting lost in my own mind, lost in myself, is a positive thing. The way i see it, is that when i'm focusing on me, and lost in myself, then i can (for a few moments anyway) completely forget why i'm trying to hide anyway ! And can at least pretend that all is well in my life and i'm not a complete emotional wreck !
Sometimes i really fucking hate myself !
Truth is, theirs is two places in the i'm more then happy to be lost. Myself, of course.... And in you ! ..... Or maybe you ?? Shit !
I'm sorry, i know it was barely anytime at all, but i just miss you soo fucking much !
What do i do though ????
I'll be talkin To Yaa xxxx
It's simple, i feel lost. Completely middle of the road, stranded, out the way, lost..... And i can't figure out what to do, not this time anyway.
It's a mixture of a bunch of stuff, like, if i'm leavin school this year, in about 6 weeks actually, (i think) What will i do with myself ? I'll make new friends hopefully, but will i ? I mean i've been at my school for ever and i don't seem to have many from their who i actually enjoy. My other mates will be doin all thier own stuff too, so i'm just worried that i'll be left on my own ! I mean yeah i'll meet new people and probably get along fine with them, but i just don't see myself making many friends, i just struggle to connect with people unless i feel a connection instantly ! It's pretty difficult to explain.
Not just that though, theirs the other issue aswell. As in what to do i do about my feelings for certain people. I mean i've proven countles times, that unless i'm careful i'll lose myself to somebody and it never goes well. It's just confusing, i don't know whether to say something and explain ow i'm feeling, or just to let it go and move on, which is probably best, as theirs like no future here me not thinks, but still, i don't want to just give-up ! I hate the way giving-up makes me feel, like a coward, a loser and generally a complete failure, i don't want to fail at anything, let alone this, but i am so lost, i have no idea which way to head.
Being lost isn't always a bad thing though, due to the way i'm feeling right now, i've actually taken to just walkin (in the dark), getting lost, good and proper ! Then just wanderin till i feel like finding my way home. I enjoy actually going out about some of the places that are pretty representative of the last month and just sitting, thinking, trying to work everything out, no success yet though, it does center me though, it's strange. But i do feel better afterwards !
Doing this though, really lets me focus on the most neglected person in my life, myself. And i've found that getting lost in my own mind, lost in myself, is a positive thing. The way i see it, is that when i'm focusing on me, and lost in myself, then i can (for a few moments anyway) completely forget why i'm trying to hide anyway ! And can at least pretend that all is well in my life and i'm not a complete emotional wreck !
Sometimes i really fucking hate myself !
Truth is, theirs is two places in the i'm more then happy to be lost. Myself, of course.... And in you ! ..... Or maybe you ?? Shit !
I'm sorry, i know it was barely anytime at all, but i just miss you soo fucking much !
What do i do though ????
I'll be talkin To Yaa xxxx
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