Yell Any Louder ?

Sometimes it really hits you..... Like a big fucking train, smashing right into your ribs. It's all bullshit, everythings material & eventually, whether you want it too or not, it's all gonna come tumbling down..... Like a stack of cards.....

I'm feeling like no matter how loud i shout, or how hard i cry to convey my emotions, nobody can hear me, see me. Being here too, so far away from the singular thing that i have been able to invest my emotions in, without contact for so fucking long, it's making me sick. genuinely. It's not as if i don't want to be here, I'm enjoying myself, back home i usually feel the same, it's just that place is packed full of distractions, people who i can allow myself to be open with. Whilst here, it's too close for comfort. I like spending time with family, but it is different, every single statement or glimpse into my thoughts or feelings has to be vetted, pre-planned. I can't allow myself to be spontaneous on a regular and frequent basis. Problems would ensue.

I will be back home roughly this time next week (there or there abouts anyway) but I'm anxious to find out whether things will be different. Two week isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things, but it is more then ample time for the dynamics to change, for certain individuals to understand larger truths and maybe, just maybe, all the good stuff to come undone. I'm not freaking out, just ready to experience the worst, i know how to roll with that punch, but in reality i just don't want it to be swung, because eventually i will just stop dodging them. Of course upon my return, things could go to plan and all will be well in the world again. Fingers crossed i suppose. I can't really see any reason for it all to turn on it's head and fuck up, but that has never stopped it before has it. I was pre-warned, and I'm no better, but this time it does sorta feel different, more real. Actually i should stop worrying, that's my problem isn't it, what happens will happen. But i was told before we both left that i would be missed and that she loved me. Maybe for once, it's all going to run smoothly for me. I'm smiling now.

I am looking forward to getting home, birthday party on the Sunday, then out for my actual birthday on the Tuesday (22nd). It should be great fun.

Until later...

I'll be talkin to ya xx