Eternal Sunshine

'How happy is the blameless vestal's lot !
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind !
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd...'

- Alexander Pope

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx

Eternal Sunshine

'How happy is the blameless vestal's lot !
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind !
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd...'

- Alexander Pope

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xx

Let Loose

I need to vent, gotta write what's going on in my head down. This is going to be a rambling mess of course, but that's sorta how i'm feeling at this moment in time. I am fucked, and it seesms so is everything around me. I don't know what is going on anymore !

The options i'd presumed i had are maybe not so much options but possibilities and slim one's at that. Not good ! I'm soo fucking confused abbout were to turn y'know. I can't just line people up and get the truth from them but wouldn't it be much simpler and nicer to have that option, albeit rather boring. But this isn't as fun as it used to be, that's probably as i'm in a sorta lull at this moment which i don't want to be in but is inevitable, and due to all that shit i'm lost the enthusiasm for a challenge, for a chase. I just want it, and i don't even know what that is it. Not anymore, i just hope i do when it appears. The priority is still a priority, but i can't see it. It's all good ad friendly, but i'm not feeling that bubbling away, the edge, the kind of chemistrey and anticipation that normally is required in these circumstances. However last time i didn't feel that it led to 8 months of that. So what do i know ! But it needs to be conbustable. And i don't think this is. Not yet anyway, times not gonna finish though, so my eyes and ears are firmly open. Who else ? There is others. One is practically a stranger but, so no idea what the story there is, apart from that despite giving less than a shit about it, everytime i'm around hers truelly, and usually after a drink, i become soo engrossed in her it's crazy. But this one ain't so dumb, i don't think. It's all very carefully set-up. We are dealing with a game player in this one, i'd need to work for this, and maybe i don't wanna. Not yet. But fuck me i think it'd be worth the extra legwork. Not content to end there, higher forces keep throwing other folks into my sphere of existance. One could be an option but i won't allow it. Not now. It would be the least of an issue, the simplest and most accesible. But i couldn't go through with it. I'm just not that way inclined. My guilt factor goes through the roof when any contact is made, but that's just not a possibility in the end. Maybe a case of caring too much and fucking it all up. So what else, i refuse to go back. OR atleast don't volunteer to. SO that means no to her.. and even her. Both would be awesome and apt. But no. Just no. Shit, i can't believe i'm saying that. Too be honest, given the chance i'd fall back into it all. But that would be too stupid. I think ? So what am i looking at ? Seems bleak don't it ! And i hate that, it's all abotu closing down a gap. A group dynamic that just needs slightly shifted, but it's tricky. I am on radars, i'm sure, but it just hard to hit the target. Especially when i don't know what the target is, or how hard i want to hit.

This is all too complicated, so i need to lift up slightly and maybe just lay lowon this side of things for a wee while, instead of thrusting myself head first into crazytown. I could sit back and let things slowly build or whatever. But the sad and dumb truth is that i love crazytown. I'm far too comfortable in the chaos that ensues. I hate being bored, and i suppose i've had a boring lat month, until now. Proving that you just gotta introduce a little anarchy. But i am getting a little tired of it. I genuinaly have lift in a haze of chaos for about two years now, at some point i have to confront and answer the most difficult and simpele question i could be asked......

Why ?

Why ?

Why ?


Go fuck yourselfs.

I'll Be Talking To Ya xxx

Let Loose

I need to vent, gotta write what's going on in my head down. This is going to be a rambling mess of course, but that's sorta how i'm feeling at this moment in time. I am fucked, and it seesms so is everything around me. I don't know what is going on anymore !

The options i'd presumed i had are maybe not so much options but possibilities and slim one's at that. Not good ! I'm soo fucking confused abbout were to turn y'know. I can't just line people up and get the truth from them but wouldn't it be much simpler and nicer to have that option, albeit rather boring. But this isn't as fun as it used to be, that's probably as i'm in a sorta lull at this moment which i don't want to be in but is inevitable, and due to all that shit i'm lost the enthusiasm for a challenge, for a chase. I just want it, and i don't even know what that is it. Not anymore, i just hope i do when it appears. The priority is still a priority, but i can't see it. It's all good ad friendly, but i'm not feeling that bubbling away, the edge, the kind of chemistrey and anticipation that normally is required in these circumstances. However last time i didn't feel that it led to 8 months of that. So what do i know ! But it needs to be conbustable. And i don't think this is. Not yet anyway, times not gonna finish though, so my eyes and ears are firmly open. Who else ? There is others. One is practically a stranger but, so no idea what the story there is, apart from that despite giving less than a shit about it, everytime i'm around hers truelly, and usually after a drink, i become soo engrossed in her it's crazy. But this one ain't so dumb, i don't think. It's all very carefully set-up. We are dealing with a game player in this one, i'd need to work for this, and maybe i don't wanna. Not yet. But fuck me i think it'd be worth the extra legwork. Not content to end there, higher forces keep throwing other folks into my sphere of existance. One could be an option but i won't allow it. Not now. It would be the least of an issue, the simplest and most accesible. But i couldn't go through with it. I'm just not that way inclined. My guilt factor goes through the roof when any contact is made, but that's just not a possibility in the end. Maybe a case of caring too much and fucking it all up. So what else, i refuse to go back. OR atleast don't volunteer to. SO that means no to her.. and even her. Both would be awesome and apt. But no. Just no. Shit, i can't believe i'm saying that. Too be honest, given the chance i'd fall back into it all. But that would be too stupid. I think ? So what am i looking at ? Seems bleak don't it ! And i hate that, it's all abotu closing down a gap. A group dynamic that just needs slightly shifted, but it's tricky. I am on radars, i'm sure, but it just hard to hit the target. Especially when i don't know what the target is, or how hard i want to hit.

This is all too complicated, so i need to lift up slightly and maybe just lay lowon this side of things for a wee while, instead of thrusting myself head first into crazytown. I could sit back and let things slowly build or whatever. But the sad and dumb truth is that i love crazytown. I'm far too comfortable in the chaos that ensues. I hate being bored, and i suppose i've had a boring lat month, until now. Proving that you just gotta introduce a little anarchy. But i am getting a little tired of it. I genuinaly have lift in a haze of chaos for about two years now, at some point i have to confront and answer the most difficult and simpele question i could be asked......

Why ?

Why ?

Why ?


Go fuck yourselfs.

I'll Be Talking To Ya xxx

The Last.....

'Reverse time.

This is my last wish, my last kiss, my last chance, my last dance....

To spend the rest of my life with You, tonight.'

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xXx

The Last.....

'Reverse time.

This is my last wish, my last kiss, my last chance, my last dance....

To spend the rest of my life with You, tonight.'

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xXx

False Faces

What is becoming increasingly clear to me of late is that i'm allowing the worse sides of my personality to be in control more often. What i mean is that i like to think that deep down i am a pretty good guy, i'm friendly, polite, charming and normally have my heart in the right place. However, i also have a much meaner side, i suppose a counter me. That side is angry, bitchy, selfish, manipulative and self destructve. Up until now i only engaged that sie of me when it was needed, or sometimes when i was faced with certain situations. But now i'm realising that i' acting like that most of the time. The lines are blurring so to speak. And i'm not entirely sure what one is me anyway, and that's kinda scary.

It's usually in social scenarios that the worst in me is coming out. I'm becoming more erratic and unpredictable amongst others with regards to what i'll say and do. Even people that i like would have every right to turn and hit after some comments that i've made to them. I don't get why they havn't to be honest. I'd hit me ! I want to be nice y'know, but every time a thought comes into my head i just blurt it out, like i've not got that filter that's meant to stop me saying things that'll lead me into trouble. My actions too, the way i conduct myself is getting less and less usual all the time. I can be like differant people all in the space of one conversation. Like all will be going fine and well, then suddenly i'll just have a moment of madness (or stupidity) and talk some bollocks and piss someone off. It's gotta stuff ! Seriously.

I don't know what it is. It could maybe be a sorta defence mechanism. That's the only thing i can think of me. I'm just staying on the offense, so that i don't ever have to get defensive. If i focus on everyone else, maybe nobody will think to look at me and ask questions. Although that might be exactly what i need, i don't want to do it. Basicly what i'm saying (i think) is that i'm shit scarred of letting ppeople in again, and in order to close myself emotionally, and not have to deal with that kinda shit, i'm just using other peoples thoughts and emotions. The more i focus on them, the less time will be spent opening up my horrible box of secrets and weirdness. At this point in time i'm actually having fun, thoughless, enjoyable fun. But at the same time i am in the most fucked up head space i've had for years. There is a lot going on up there that i'm refusing to deal with. Too hard, instead i'm just throwing all of my crap into being the witty, funny, cheeky, kinda cute guy in a big group of people. I'm being a bit of a mutha fucker but maybe purely for my own best interests. For now anyway. I suppose this is going to end up being a waiting game, It's pretty exciting actually. Hmmmm.... Plenty to think about, but it can wait. I'm not up to that challenge just yet.

I'll Be Talkin To Ya xxx